The idea of CTBing myself has consumed my thoughts for such a long time, but I just feel like I am pretending to be depressed and suicidal to get out of stuff.
I feel that unless I CTB all those thoughts remain just excuses for fucking up and being a useless lazy pig. It feels like CTB is the only way to validate and make these feelings real.
I never told anyone or tried to get professional help. And at this point it would be fucking impossible, I am afraid that they would lock me up or that they wouldn't believe me.
I want to CTB tomorrow, I have a rope and setup ready. I have no vision of any possible future, because I am an incompetent idiot.
Yet it all feels like an act. And it will all remain a fucking feeble excuse unless I actually do it. I am so fucking afraid, though.
I feel that unless I CTB all those thoughts remain just excuses for fucking up and being a useless lazy pig. It feels like CTB is the only way to validate and make these feelings real.
I never told anyone or tried to get professional help. And at this point it would be fucking impossible, I am afraid that they would lock me up or that they wouldn't believe me.
I want to CTB tomorrow, I have a rope and setup ready. I have no vision of any possible future, because I am an incompetent idiot.
Yet it all feels like an act. And it will all remain a fucking feeble excuse unless I actually do it. I am so fucking afraid, though.
