I feel like a bad/evil person all the time

[Jupit3rs]

I can't be happy for others: I'm trying, I'm really trying to feel genuine care or love but my heart doesn't seem to react. Besides thinking about ending my life, the other reason why i feel this way is because I can't connect with people, with my family, with those who somehow "want the best for me". Their happiness stings... I'm not sure why, maybe because I'm suffering? suffering in constant silence? that could be. Sometimes I call myself a "sinner": I'm not religious but the term seems to fit me perfectly, i can't think of myself as a "good person" because "good people" shouldn't be thinking about suicide... y'know... "what about your parents? what about everyone that knows you? you are gonna hurt them, you are truly evil"
Good people can also celebrate others achievements, show affection and love... but I'm broken, even if i feel things, is never about them, it's always centered on me. I'm just not worth it, i feel bad for every human that has had contact with me... yet, i still wish kidness to those in my situation, i still desire to spread some sort of love for everyone here: I know this pain too well and nobody deserves it.
I guess my point is... yes, i believe I'm awful, but there's a little of light in me somewhere and if someone out there is experiencing this, i hope they are aware of that.

 

[darkwater]

Are you sure that the religious morality of Christianity is not lurking in the background of your psyche? You are only a bad person if you intentionally harm others.

 

[Jupit3rs]

Are you sure that the religious morality of Christianity is not lurking in the background of your psyche? You are only a bad person if you intentionally harm others

I been questioning this for a while... I do think I have a problem with religion. In the past, when i was a child, I had a few experiencies with jehovah's witnesses: i used to read their books and be afraid of being send to hell, so maybe thats a reason.
I don't want to hurt people, which is why I haven't end my life yet... But, I still feel like i'm evil? Idk, it's a bit weird.

 

[veryhappyhuman]

You're not alone, I feel this way too. I honestly don't think we're bad/evil for thinking this way though. I recently learnt that apathy is one of the symptoms of depression so it makes sense. Maybe our mental grids are so overloaded that it genuinely can't fit in/process thoughts about others. Besides, we aren't harming anyone else by being this way so bad/evil seems too harsh.

A classic example in my case is when I see a news report about someone dying in an accident. I feel empathy for them for a bit, but it soon switches to "I wish it'd been me instead". IMO this proves that I'm not a complete sociopath (and hence bad/evil), but yet due to said mental grid overload, I can't process the empathy for too long and switch back to thinking about myself. This theory makes sense to me but others may feel differently.