SomewhatLoved
all bleeding stops eventually...
- Apr 12, 2023
- 403
I'm well enough that I can maintain an outwardly function appearance at work. I do my job and I like to think I do it fairly well, but when my rotation is over and I go home I more often than not spend those 4 days off laying in bed, doing nothing, and then on the last day panicking to get all my shit together before I go back for another stretch of 12 hour days.
I did pretty well in school. When I was doing my clinical placements, I had a resident doctor/junior physician suggest that I should consider medical school. He wasn't the only one, I've had classmates and preceptors suggest the same to me. Family as well. It's almost made me feel like outwardly I appear to be capable, and then as a result of that I feel like I have the potential to some extent. It makes me feel like I have to or should do it. I would like it, too. My job is probably one of my few sources of happiness, and the idea of becoming a physician is exciting. It would be a very exciting and interesting job.
However, I feel handicapped by my mental illness. I was diagnosed with depression when I was young and I also suspect that I have BPD as I am heavily symptomatic of this condition (however, my interpretations of myself are of course biased and flawed). I've also experienced visual hallucinations in the past and think I may have experienced psychosis, at least at some point. I have social anxiety that in my personal life is disabling. Professionally it doesn't seem to affect me much, but in my personal life I struggle to socialize. I hate talking about myself. All of these things together result in me spending my time off feeling paralyzed. I struggle to be consistent in studying or effort outside of work, and I know that these things would prevent me from studying medicine. What I studied was a lot less intensive than that, and was a lower level of information.
It hurts knowing that I was possibly in some way born capable of pursuing such an admirable profession, but that at the same time I was either born with or developed psychological issues along the way. I work with doctors and I admire how knowledgeable they are and some of the procedures they are able to perform. I would have liked to be a doctor, but it feels impossible for me in this lifetime. I feel like I have either wasted potential with poor decisions, or I was stunted at some point in my life. I hate it.
I feel stuck in life. My career is definitely one aspect of that, but it's not the only one. My personal life as well. Over the years I've had fewer and fewer friends and now I'm pretty much completely isolated. I look at myself and I see who I am and I realize that even I wouldn't want to be friends with myself, so of course I understand why no one else is. But at the same time it hurts being alone so much.
I did pretty well in school. When I was doing my clinical placements, I had a resident doctor/junior physician suggest that I should consider medical school. He wasn't the only one, I've had classmates and preceptors suggest the same to me. Family as well. It's almost made me feel like outwardly I appear to be capable, and then as a result of that I feel like I have the potential to some extent. It makes me feel like I have to or should do it. I would like it, too. My job is probably one of my few sources of happiness, and the idea of becoming a physician is exciting. It would be a very exciting and interesting job.
However, I feel handicapped by my mental illness. I was diagnosed with depression when I was young and I also suspect that I have BPD as I am heavily symptomatic of this condition (however, my interpretations of myself are of course biased and flawed). I've also experienced visual hallucinations in the past and think I may have experienced psychosis, at least at some point. I have social anxiety that in my personal life is disabling. Professionally it doesn't seem to affect me much, but in my personal life I struggle to socialize. I hate talking about myself. All of these things together result in me spending my time off feeling paralyzed. I struggle to be consistent in studying or effort outside of work, and I know that these things would prevent me from studying medicine. What I studied was a lot less intensive than that, and was a lower level of information.
It hurts knowing that I was possibly in some way born capable of pursuing such an admirable profession, but that at the same time I was either born with or developed psychological issues along the way. I work with doctors and I admire how knowledgeable they are and some of the procedures they are able to perform. I would have liked to be a doctor, but it feels impossible for me in this lifetime. I feel like I have either wasted potential with poor decisions, or I was stunted at some point in my life. I hate it.
I feel stuck in life. My career is definitely one aspect of that, but it's not the only one. My personal life as well. Over the years I've had fewer and fewer friends and now I'm pretty much completely isolated. I look at myself and I see who I am and I realize that even I wouldn't want to be friends with myself, so of course I understand why no one else is. But at the same time it hurts being alone so much.
