I feel better but my will to live is gone. Cannot commit to life or death.

[BeautifulMosaics]

I feel better, I am not isolated anymore and emotionally all round everything is better. However I HATE this. I was so willing to be done, now I feel better I feel like I'm "giving up" (when I think of suicide) and I feel like I have no excuse, but I'm just spiritually DONE with life, just DONE. I don't want to have faith and go through this merry-go-round again. I just don't have the interest or energy and yet somewhere inside me says "You should still try, you might be able to get back to what you once wanted to do for a career". But I don't WANNT TOO. But maybe I do but just don't have the energy - but wasn't that the problem to begin with in the first place??

Ugghh

I just hate feeling so split. It was better when I just knew I wanted to die tbh. I feel like if I found out I had a terminal illness I'd be happy but then maybe I would want a bit more time for life - however being terminally ill and knowing you have a death date is completely different to "just" having mental illness and you are expected to function when "just" mentally ill and struggling.

Maybe I just need to realise that I will never get what I want - I'm such an indecisive person, maybe I just need to bite the bullet and ctb and take all this guess work out of it because I'm sick of it honestly. It makes me feel extra guilty, feeling emotionally better but still wanting to ctb but if I still want to - surely I have the right to then?

 

[PrincessInWhite]

I feel similar- I know rationally so much about my body and physical and mental health is incompatible with life but here I am, pattering on anyway. I also struggle with choosing a method and constantly going back and forth, but the reality is minus pure powder short acting barbs (which I hear is near impossible to source) no method is without some risk of failure or pain. It's maddening. I'm sending you love

 

[BottomlessPit]

I know that life is never worth living, no matter the circumstances. But it is difficult to ctb on basis of rational thought alone; a compulsive will to die seems to be necessary in most cases. My greatest fear is that I will lose my compulsivity and become unable to ctb. I would be doomed to a lifetime of mediocrity, neither belonging fully to the living nor to the dead.

It makes me feel extra guilty, feeling emotionally better but still wanting to ctb but if I still want to - surely I have the right to then?

This is our life and ours alone. We don't have to justify any decisions we make regarding it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand it must be like being trapped, feeling as though you cannot commit to life or death. Life certainly is tiring. I can relate to having no will to live. I wish you the best.

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

I'm in limbo myself. I've removed myself from day-to-day monotonous inactivity to being out and about. This type of thing used to excite me because there was always something new to see and try. But none of it is registering even one bit of excitement.

I have my method together. Yet I'm non-committal to CTB at this moment. I was in this state for a while some time ago then something changed and I was ready to CTB. But I took too long to move forward. Now I'm back to the limbo state.

Honestly this state is just pure torture. I feel like I have to do something drastic and impulsive to get out of it. None of the usual daily slights from people have the ability to tip me over the edge. I'm to the point where I expect that bullshit so it has little to no affect. So I feel like I'm just useless rotting away.

This shit sux!!!

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Killing time

 

[rationaltake]

Killing time

Instead of myself

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Being stuck in limbo is the worst part. The smart move would be to seek recovery or to actually ctb, instead of just waiting around doing nothing. Easier said than done.

With each passing year it becomes more difficult to take action since you get used to being in limbo. For me the only reason why I am planning to ctb soon is because of life circumstances have forced my hand. Otherwise I would have probably lingered around aimlessly for years on end.