Story I failed my first attempt at FSH

[bb5055]

hi this is my first post, just kind of a vent i guess. about two months ago i had my first ever actual attempt. i opted for FSH and went for an over the door rig. i had the rope attached to a dumbbell that looped under the other side of the door and back to the front side above where the dumbbell was. the door was shut and locked and i kicked the stool after probably an hour of shaking and terror of doing it. i started flailing about in panic and felt myself fading a bit. i ended up kicking/stomping on the door handle hard enough to break the lock and the door opened, then i fell and loosened the loop as fast as i could then went for a long walk.

i hear all the time people say they realized how much they wanted to live after getting so close like that and it's just not the case for me. i look back and really wish that i didn't break that lock. things haven't gotten better at all and now im too afraid to try again after how horrifying the experience was. i bought SN but its just sitting in a backpack vacuum sealed. its almost always on my mind that its there.

i dont want to die but at the same time i really want to. i feel devastatingly stuck in a body that's falling apart and stuck as an inherently broken and damaged person who cant manage to get any friends or a support system at all. if my life was better living would be great, if i had friends and loved ones all of this would be worth it to me. i feel this deep and impossible to get over chasm that exists between me and everyone else in the world and my inability to join everyone on the other side is ruining me every day. im in therapy and am on meds, i checked myself into the psych ward over 3 months ago to help with this and it just made it worse. it feels like i can never get better no matter how much i want to and no matter how much help i try and get.

i feel like me ctb is inevitable, its not a matter of if at this point but when. the SN seems like the most humane way of going out that i've found and i refuse to tell anyone i have it. if things keep getting worse it will be a mercy for me, and things in my life always just get worse

idk if anyone can relate, i don't have anyone to share this experience with other than my therapist but she'll throw me back in the psych ward if i bring it up and i really don't want to go through that again.

 

[stillbelow]

hello. im also new here, with some of the same experiences. i have a therapist and on meds, and i was put in the psych ward around 8 months ago after taking alot of benadryl. unfortunately the benadryl didnt work, but im fortunate enough to not have any brain damage. i really connected with what you said in the third paragraph, "devastatingly stuck in a body thats falling apart". its nice to know someone else is having similar experiences. i dont have any answers or advice but i just wanted you to know that theres someone out there kind of like you :) i hope you find the peace your looking for, whether that be ctb or surviving in this fuckass place