Venting I dont want to live but i dont want to cbt

[nothingtodoh3r3]

Sorry if this is a mess but I want to get everything off my chest

I feel like not being here anymore,every day is just draining and a repeat of the last. I've been mentally and physically abused since I was little and it still happens today. My parents are abusive and manipulative but then suddenly turn nice which makes me feel guilty about hating them even though they have tortured me mentally for years.

I feel like such a disappointment and hated in my family like I see how my siblings are treated by my parents and how they are showerd with love but when it comes to me I'm shouted at and hit. School puts too much pressure with exams and I feel like I can't cope and end it all, but I'm too scared which makes me hate myself.

I've been raised in such a religious household but it's so toxic and I can't deal with it , sometimes I think God isn't real or has just given up on me .

I don't want to live but I don't want to die and I hate these feeling. All I can do is hate and myself for what I am.

There's so much I feel but can't translate into words.. life's unfair and we have been dealt a bad hand since the start, we are just seen as nothing and treated as nothing, looked down upon and ignored.

If you read though all of this I really appreciate it and please if you are able to relate to anything here please let me know

 

[HemlockWizard]

I'm glad you have a place to unload these mental and emotional burdens here.

I think I can relate. I have days when I simply don't want to exist. Not necessarily ctb, but just vanish from life and people's memories all at once and instantly. I will say that's not very common for me to feel anymore. I am finding more closure in the desire to ctb and as the years have gone by I think that's where my life has led. I've tried to redirect it and failed, so I'm okay that I have chosen one or the other instead of staying in between.

I hope you can find relief from the abuse and your peace.

 

[nothingtodoh3r3]

I'm glad you have a place to unload these mental and emotional burdens here.

I think I can relate. I have days when I simply don't want to exist. Not necessarily ctb, but just vanish from life and people's memories all at once and instantly. I will say that's not very common for me to feel anymore. I am finding more closure in the desire to ctb and as the years have gone by I think that's where my life has led. I've tried to redirect it and failed, so I'm okay that I have chosen one or the other instead of staying in between.

I hope you can find relief from the abuse and your peace.

Thanks, I'm glad to hear your finding closure.
I hope that one day this pain would end

 

[CowardStaysIn]

Listen - it is perfectly fine to hate your parents for how they treat you. They use you as their scapegoat and that is wrong. Wrong and disgusting. I was my narcissistic mother's scapegoat, so I get it. And wanting to die yet not wanting to ctb is nothing to feel ashamed of, nor anything to hate yourself for. It's a big decision, and you want to be sure.

I understand how you feel because I'm in the same boat - I don't want to live, but I don't want to ctb, neither (at least, not anytime soon). The only advice I can give you is to keep reaching out here: talking your feelings out here will help you to recognize what it is you're actually feeling. And don't feel pressure to ctb or that you just have to because you're on this forum. Many more people feel the same way as we do, but being honest about how you're feeling, as opposed to the stock answer of "fine", brings some sort of punitive measure.

"Take it one day at a time" is a cliche, I know, but it can help. Break your time into smaller blocks so it doesn't all seem so endless or that freedom (getting away from your toxic family) doesn't feel so far away. As for exams, just study, give yourself time to rest and nourish yourself and do the best you can. I know they make it seem like it's the end of your life if you don't excel, but this is only one chapter. The exams will end.

Do you have a counselor you can talk to or someone who could refer you to a trauma therapist? Your feelings are perfectly valid - you have been through so much, I can tell from this post.

 

[nothingtodoh3r3]

Listen - it is perfectly fine to hate your parents for how they treat you. They use you as their scapegoat and that is wrong. Wrong and disgusting. I was my narcissistic mother's scapegoat, so I get it. And wanting to die yet not wanting to ctb is nothing to feel ashamed of, nor anything to hate yourself for. It's a big decision, and you want to be sure.

I understand how you feel because I'm in the same boat - I don't want to live, but I don't want to ctb, neither (at least, not anytime soon). The only advice I can give you is to keep reaching out here: talking your feelings out here will help you to recognize what it is you're actually feeling. And don't feel pressure to ctb or that you just have to because you're on this forum. Many more people feel the same way as we do, but being honest about how you're feeling, as opposed to the stock answer of "fine", brings some sort of punitive measure.

"Take it one day at a time" is a cliche, I know, but it can help. Break your time into smaller blocks so it doesn't all seem so endless or that freedom (getting away from your toxic family) doesn't feel so far away. As for exams, just study, give yourself time to rest and nourish yourself and do the best you can. I know they make it seem like it's the end of your life if you don't excel, but this is only one chapter. The exams will end.

Do you have a counselor you can talk to or someone who could refer you to a trauma therapist? Your feelings are perfectly valid - you have been through so much, I can tell from this post.

Thank you for your kind words, unfortunately I really don't have anyone to tell and I don't think on intending to tell anyone. I'm sorry you have to go through something similar and I hope you find your help aswell.