Venting I dont want to feel better

[Manic Panic]

I don't want to feel better , I want to hurt and I want to feel the pain , it's all I've known for all of my life . I want to ctb and I want it hurt the people who care about me . It wouldn't matter either way because I'd be gone and I'd never have to worry about the aftermath of what I've done.
Unlike most of you who care for your loved one , I don't have the same feelings . The people who say they care have watched me suffer nonstop and do nothing to help. I see my death as a revenge against them for not trying hard enough. A big middle finger to the ones who could've done something.
I just wish people understood...
I wish I would stop getting distracted and I could finally find the peace I've been looking for.
I wish the overdosing would work and that I didn't have to resort to SN or finding a place to do a Full Hanging...
This world is a cruel place and it's turned me into a cruel person.

 

[sadalways]

Honestly i understand this, in some way it really speaks to me. I used to be like "i want to get better" and pray for the best, imagining how happy i'd be if things went my way, but nowadays, i just want to feel enough pain to push me over the edge otherwise it's only gonna get worse. This world sucks and i hope that whatever you decide to do, you finally find peace.