Venting i don't want to be a catalyst for others suffering

[idciwtkms]

I'm planning to cbt soon but I've been hanging out with my friends and family and a part of me feels really guilty to do this, i don't want them to blame themselves for it , i also feel guilty for getting close to them in the first place laughing with them for giving them false hope(?) making fake promises, i wish i could fulfill all of those promises but I can't, would ignoring them and making them hate me make it easier to bear for them for when i finally do it, I've been ignoring calls and not replying to my friends lately hoping they'll stop texting and forget about me soon i tried being rude and distant with them but it's hard i just hope they don't blame themselves it's not their fault and i really do love them i don't want to be a catalyst for their sufferings , there's also this stray cat whom i feed every now and then i really wish someone else would look after her and feed her in my absence. there is so much i wanted to do , i still want to make my own comic books, bring my designs to life travel the world but i don't have time left for it. if i don't ctb now I'll try it a few years it's a cycle that doesn't end and doesn't go away no matter what i do.

 

[wannabeangel]

i keep struggling with the same feeling :( i hate the guilt i feel thinking about the pain it will bring to others i love, how they wont understand that i am free from pain and suffering, they'll only me mourning the daughter, the friend, the close family member, and the wife they all loved and wanted to see living a happy, healthy and successful life. but i feel like i will let them down no matter if i live or die, because i dont think i will keep living and growing to be happy. not with all my genetic issues that will just get worse as i age, and every happy moment i do have is always temporary. i love the happy moments, but they always end and im left alone in pain and not happy. they all want me to be strong, tell me im strong, but im really not. and i never asked to be strong.

i hate knowing that those i love will blame themselves in some way, especially my ex husband..... because honestly my desire to CTB stopped when i fell for him, but losing him brought it all back. but that isnt his fault, i was this way before, and he left me for a stupid mistake that i did, so it is my fault not his. but i doubt he will truly understand that, no matter how hard i try to make it clear in my notes. my parents, especially my mom, will probably blame themselves hard too, thinking they didnt do enough for me to help when they did more than anyone ever could, some things just cant be fixed no matter how hard you try sadly

i thought about distancing myself from people, or becoming mean to make them thing negatively of me, so they will maybe be more "happy" that im gone, but i dont think i can bring myself to do it. i hate hurting people, especially those i care about and love, and a lot of my pain rn is because i hurt someone i love with all my soul already, i cant bring myself to be mean to him to push him away

you're not alone in these feelings, they're very hard and i dont have much advice to give as im still struggling with it on my own. what i've been trying to do is make it clear in my notes that it's no ones fault, explain my reasons, and remind them to not blame themselves, and that there was nothing they have couldve done to stop me from making this choice, when the time comes

 

[idciwtkms]

wow it's like I'm talking to myself that is exactly how i feel too , i wish it was easier for both of us , i wish there were was an end to this cycle without hurting our loved ones without disappointing them, i understand you i hope the best for you and if possible a way out of feeling this way even though I can't do so myself

 

[Aflame5926]

for the both of you i wouldnt push into isolement. if you care for them leave them behind answers. create a small blog or video recording on the things they need to continue life. but also explain to them that there is a group where treatment wont work. and that they are blindly trusting into hope that can be so much traumatic aswell.

isolation will only accerlate your doom in social wise. at the end of the tunnel you litterly have nobody left. its better to give them to work with then ending up a ghost of a vengefull / tired person

its my 2 cent opinion tho.

 

[idciwtkms]

for the both of you i wouldnt push into isolement. if you care for them leave them behind answers. create a small blog or video recording on the things they need to continue life. but also explain to them that there is a group where treatment wont work. and that they are blindly trusting into hope that can be so much traumatic aswell.

isolation will only accerlate your doom in social wise. at the end of the tunnel you litterly have nobody left. its better to give them to work with then ending up a ghost of a vengefull / tired person

its my 2 cent opinion tho.

you're right i might write something to leave behind at first i didn't want to leave something behind for them to obsess over because i felt they feel too guilty because of it.

 

[wannabeangel]

wow it's like I'm talking to myself that is exactly how i feel too , i wish it was easier for both of us , i wish there were was an end to this cycle without hurting our loved ones without disappointing them, i understand you i hope the best for you and if possible a way out of feeling this way even though I can't do so myself

i hope the best for you too and im so sorry you have to feel the same way, i wish it could be easier for us all life is such a hard struggle and ending the cycle is even harder when you have people you care about dearly. i dont know if i will really get a way out of this feeling, thinking like this since 11 years old makes it seem like the thought will never go away. maybe it will, with some miracle, i believe in those i know they happen, im just not so sure it will happen for me.

i hope a miracle happens for you though, i like to try and think of all the pain im feeling currently will be transmuted into something positive for others and send that positive energy their way, it makes living through the pain worth something more if im a beacon of transmutation almost, maybe its just cope, but im sending as much positive energy as i can to you too

for the both of you i wouldnt push into isolement. if you care for them leave them behind answers. create a small blog or video recording on the things they need to continue life. but also explain to them that there is a group where treatment wont work. and that they are blindly trusting into hope that can be so much traumatic aswell.

isolation will only accerlate your doom in social wise. at the end of the tunnel you litterly have nobody left. its better to give them to work with then ending up a ghost of a vengefull / tired person

its my 2 cent opinion tho.

thats what i plan to do, because i dont think i could get myself to do anything else, and i also wouldnt wanna be remembered for my last actions and not all the love i put into so many people and so many things. i feel like its the 'healthiest' way to go about this sort of thing