Venting i dont want things to get better and prefer death

[unrealtournament]

for a majority of the time I'll be depressed thinking i am doomed, and that there is nothing i can fundamentally change about myself no matter what, however when people make me realize my mindset is what holds me back, i begin to cringe at the idea of bettering myself and no longer suffering.
i dont want to improve because some things cant be erased no matter what, in 10 years i could be a different man and it still wouldn't change some what I've done. no point in changing if your past will hold you back

 

[youpi]

What did you do?

 

[unrealtournament]

What did you do?

some things which i personally regret so much I'll never let go of, even if most of them are insignificant in the real world, i will never live them down im my head and will be forever haunted by my past

 

[worthIess]

attachment is the source of all suffering

 

[kk13]

I can relate. I feel like i just fycked up too much to go back to normal.

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me, it's more that I'm just really tired. I don't want to put in the colossal amount of effort required to (maybe) improve things, when I've already done that over and over and it was never worth it.

In my experience, things don't just magically improve. They require effort. Plus, things are rarely smooth sailing. Not all our effort is rewarded. It feels more rewarding for me to tell myself not to worry now. To simply try to take it as easy as I can till I can get off this ride.

I suppose I'm just so cynical now too. I kind of refuse to be drawn into cycles of false hope, great effort and inevitable disappointment over and over.