Venting i dont understand what other people see

[Life_and_Death]

im a fucking horrible person. i destroy everything i love. why cant they just let me die? i search and search for answers looking for ways out and i just see more to hate. more reasons to die. i fucking hate this existence. i hate me. just fucking ditch me already. im worthless. youre wasting your time. i cant be saved. im going to die. now fuck off somewhere and let me do it in peace.

Spoiler: just more bs

everything hurts and i cant do shit about it

 

[WornOutLife]

why cant they just let me die?

I tend to wonder the same, dear.

I'm really sorry you're suffering like this.

I can do nothing but wish you the best and hope things get better somehow!

 

[BandAddict]

I hate that feeling. I'm such a terrible person and I don't understand why people see so much in me. As much as I want people to love and be proud of me, I really just wish they'd give up on me and say I'd be better off dead...

 

[abruptum]

I ask and tell myself the same things, it really sucks that people can feel like this while others aren't able to understand the feeling.
I wish you the best sending my support <3

 

[autisticalex]

Unless it is there job, I don't think anyone cares if I die

 

[Life_and_Death]

I ask and tell myself the same things, it really sucks that people can feel like this while others aren't able to understand the feeling.
I wish you the best sending my support <3

They understand I'm in pain but that's about where it stops I think. I don't think they understand the details of it.

I hate that feeling. I'm such a terrible person and I don't understand why people see so much in me. As much as I want people to love and be proud of me, I really just wish they'd give up on me and say I'd be better off dead...

Idk if it's the same for you but a way to explain it for me is: I want to be loved but I know it's pointless. I'm just stupid enough to keep going back to it.

(brain explosion in text lol)

I took so long to respond because I found it.... Funny?... Ironic? Here you guys are offering support - (which I'll be honest part of me expected to wake up to bs) - in a post where I'm 'bitching' about people supporting me.

Is it hypocritical? Idk.... I know some of the people that commented/reacted do care. I mean, I'll see you on my profile (which I have set to not show up in news feeds or whatever I don't use that lol) and I'll see the same people on my threads. There was that... Last one, I think it was, where a bunch of you stood by me and I couldn't thank you enough for that. But hypocritical? I don't think so. You stand by a person's side (not just me but site wide) trying to help as much as you can while still being in the same situation yourself. However I feel what makes the difference is the decided time. If it is obviously impulsive, a goodbye thread doesn't become a goodbye thread anymore. However what makes that different from a 'normie' helping out, is you're just trying to get through the moment. I'm a big advocator for a peaceful death and impulsivness isn't that answer. The difference comes in the response of a real goodbye thread (not saying they aren't and I'm also done explaining shit so if you can't understand what I mean by that after talking about impulsive ones that's your problem, I'm just gonna report and ignore you). When it comes to a real one (pretending we all can hangout and stuff) I believe the people here would respond with "as long as you're sure" and a hug while my 'loved ones' wouldn't let go. They don't mean it in a selfish way. And I do know that for the most part I'm an amazing person. I just wish they could see and understand what's inside. Trust issues, bpd, psychosis, these things don't play well together and I wish people could see that.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I feel sick/want to throw up and I just yelled at my husband that I want to shoot myself/hang myself and that I'm just done with this exisistance.....

Add he just got me a ginger ale and tums for my belly.... People are so nice and I'm so horrible

 

[BandAddict]

Idk if it's the same for you but a way to explain it for me is: I want to be loved but I know it's pointless. I'm just stupid enough to keep going back to it.

Yes, that's it. I keep re-realizing that it isn't enough to keep me afloat. I do get tired of feeling like a failure and I want positive reinforment or whatever, but it doesn't actually fulfill anything in me long-term at all. It's a short "oh, that's nice," then I go back to feeling like shit.

And with the longer text you wrote, I'll admit I'm kinda brain dead atm but I think I get some of what you're saying, especially the last part. I feel like it would take years to explain even half of the way my mind works and how it all feels hopeless, beyond repair. Even when I'm laughing and joking around, it isn't enough to negate the turmoil that I can't explain. Sorry, I hope understood that somewhat.