Venting I don't understand myself

[Starfire]

I really don't understand myself. I never did. Sometimes people say that it's okay. That it's normal to have those days when nothing makes sense. But no, it's completely different for me. Everyday doesn't make sense. My whole being doesn't make sense. My whole emotion and feeling. As to why I love you, or adore you, or hate you, or despise you, or why I want to kill you, does not make sense. Sometimes I really dig deep and try to create a reason for myself by doing stupid things that will make people hate me. Just for the sole reason of having something to back up why I would also hate myself, but I end up being all confused with simultaneous guilt, love, anger,.. Guilt.. Love.. Anger. GUILT. LOVE. ANGER. It's a cycle. Never stops. Never makes sense.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Hi, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you have a better day and gain some clarity.

 

[Starfire]

Hi, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you have a better day and gain some clarity.

Thank you I hope for better days for you, too..

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry. Sounds like a very tormented way to live. I've been really embarrassed by my own behaviour in the past. Mainly because I'm really socially anxious and I end up saying or doing something stupid that makes me look rude. You seem to be suffering more intensely though.

When you say you seem to do things to make people hate you- do you think you are trying to push them away? Saying that you may be doing it so that their perception of you aligns with your own suggests you hate yourself? I guess a lot of us are suffering with that. I'm sorry.

Can I ask whether you have ever talked to anyone proffessionally? I've only done so once. Found it really uncomfortable but they do sometimes give you new insight as to why you might be behaving a certain way- and tools to try and alter your behaviour. I really hope things get better for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really tiring what you are going through and I'm sorry that you suffer like this. I wish you relief.

 

[Starfire]

I'm sorry. Sounds like a very tormented way to live. I've been really embarrassed by my own behaviour in the past. Mainly because I'm really socially anxious and I end up saying or doing something stupid that makes me look rude. You seem to be suffering more intensely though.

When you say you seem to do things to make people hate you- do you think you are trying to push them away? Saying that you may be doing it so that their perception of you aligns with your own suggests you hate yourself? I guess a lot of us are suffering with that. I'm sorry.

Can I ask whether you have ever talked to anyone proffessionally? I've only done so once. Found it really uncomfortable but they do sometimes give you new insight as to why you might be behaving a certain way- and tools to try and alter your behaviour. I really hope things get better for you.

Indeed I have sought professional help. But no one seems to give a definite explanation to why I'm feeling this way. They offer suggestions that I try to do but nothing seems to work, I still cannot understand why I constantly feel this way. That's why I secretly doubt the suicide hotlines will help. That the next psychiatrist will be different. I started to deem that the world is fucked up by itself to understand another kind of fucked up. The cycle is tiring.

It sounds really tiring what you are going through and I'm sorry that you suffer like this. I wish you relief.

Thank you. I wish the best for you, too

 

[No Entertainment]

Hi, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you have a better day and gain some clarity.

I like your username.

 

[want2dienow]

It sounds really tiring what you are going through and I'm sorry that you suffer like this. I wish you relief.

I found a broken record player.

I like your username.

Makes sense

 

[chronicallybroken]

I feel similarly. I don't know who I am, what I like, why I'm feeling what I'm feeling.