IfGodHadLegs
Member
- Jul 16, 2026
- 11
Apologies for the poorly written rant; I'm tired and don't feel like proofreading.
I'm a current college student who works two jobs, and whilst my life is definitely still 'good' due to my privileges and opportunities I've been granted, this state has me feeling like I'm going crazy. It's been an underlying feeling for these past few days but it all came out of me after leaving work this evening.
All I do is work now. I have no time to live as a person. Either I'm working, or feeling guilt about not working. I was talking on the phone with my friend and she said something that stopped me in my tracks, 'all you really do is talk about work.'
At my two jobs I make $10 untaxed at the first and $8 at the second. My last two paychecks were $160 each and I currently have around $180 in my account. Neither of these jobs matter in the grand scheme of things. I was told by both that I was a great worker, but what does that really mean? The first is a university job that 18 year olds also work at, and the second is an internship where every minute I feel I'm either being disrespected or walked over by anyone that isn't my direct higher-ups. It's like I'm not even in the room sometimes; today I loaded trucks in 95 degree weather without so much as a 'thank you'. The girl who asked about me rudely didn't even get my name right. It's pathetic, but I wish I at least had something to hang onto to feel some sort of achievement from these things, even if they don't matter. All I get is exhaustion and a consolation prize that barely makes it through the next two weeks. I make less than I did when I was a 16 year old high schooler working a single job.
These jobs leave me too tired to do well in my classes, which leads to the guilt about not working harder. I feel like my classmates know I don't really belong; I've only been coasting by the fact my professors like me and that I have a lot of 'potential'. I'm almost done with my degree and I have hilariously little to show for it. I've wasted my college years failing repeatedly, lying to myself and my loved ones. Each of my days go > class > work > classwork > try to sleep around 3hrs so I can do more classwork > wake up and repeat the cycle. I was able to finally spend some time with some friends this week, and realized how much I missed just getting to goof off and not think about work 24/7.
As I've been living these past few months, I've looked in the mirror and realized that I've turned into my father. I love my father; He works harder than anyone that I know. An unfortunate amount. So much of his life has been work for jobs that wouldn't even buy flowers for his funeral. I'm grateful for the work he's done, it bought the car I drive and the home we live in, but growing up I rarely spoke to him outside of the words 'how was work today?' or asking him about basketball. It's silly but With my recent hyperfixation on the sport, I've realized I'm now the same. Last year, he broke his foot and spent 6 months rehabbing. Those 6 months were the longest I've seen my father. In those months I saw how much he loves my mother, how loved he is by his coworkers and his newfound love for gardening that I never saw before. Those were the happiest months I've seen him live. It pains me that I'll likely never be able to retire him, because he deserves a life that isn't just waiting for his next shift to start. This weekend, everyone in my immediate family was able to come visit me in college except for him, as he had to work. He smiled over the phone but I could tell he was upset, and my mom said the same. I know that if I have kids it'll be the same, though I doubt I could ever be half of a parent he is.
I don't want to be a millionaire. I don't want to never work. I just want enough to not feel guilty about buying myself food and to see my father retire. Is that too much to ask?
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this personal rant. Was gonna dm my best friend but I don't want to frighten her with my angst, lol.
Peace :]
I'm a current college student who works two jobs, and whilst my life is definitely still 'good' due to my privileges and opportunities I've been granted, this state has me feeling like I'm going crazy. It's been an underlying feeling for these past few days but it all came out of me after leaving work this evening.
All I do is work now. I have no time to live as a person. Either I'm working, or feeling guilt about not working. I was talking on the phone with my friend and she said something that stopped me in my tracks, 'all you really do is talk about work.'
At my two jobs I make $10 untaxed at the first and $8 at the second. My last two paychecks were $160 each and I currently have around $180 in my account. Neither of these jobs matter in the grand scheme of things. I was told by both that I was a great worker, but what does that really mean? The first is a university job that 18 year olds also work at, and the second is an internship where every minute I feel I'm either being disrespected or walked over by anyone that isn't my direct higher-ups. It's like I'm not even in the room sometimes; today I loaded trucks in 95 degree weather without so much as a 'thank you'. The girl who asked about me rudely didn't even get my name right. It's pathetic, but I wish I at least had something to hang onto to feel some sort of achievement from these things, even if they don't matter. All I get is exhaustion and a consolation prize that barely makes it through the next two weeks. I make less than I did when I was a 16 year old high schooler working a single job.
These jobs leave me too tired to do well in my classes, which leads to the guilt about not working harder. I feel like my classmates know I don't really belong; I've only been coasting by the fact my professors like me and that I have a lot of 'potential'. I'm almost done with my degree and I have hilariously little to show for it. I've wasted my college years failing repeatedly, lying to myself and my loved ones. Each of my days go > class > work > classwork > try to sleep around 3hrs so I can do more classwork > wake up and repeat the cycle. I was able to finally spend some time with some friends this week, and realized how much I missed just getting to goof off and not think about work 24/7.
As I've been living these past few months, I've looked in the mirror and realized that I've turned into my father. I love my father; He works harder than anyone that I know. An unfortunate amount. So much of his life has been work for jobs that wouldn't even buy flowers for his funeral. I'm grateful for the work he's done, it bought the car I drive and the home we live in, but growing up I rarely spoke to him outside of the words 'how was work today?' or asking him about basketball. It's silly but With my recent hyperfixation on the sport, I've realized I'm now the same. Last year, he broke his foot and spent 6 months rehabbing. Those 6 months were the longest I've seen my father. In those months I saw how much he loves my mother, how loved he is by his coworkers and his newfound love for gardening that I never saw before. Those were the happiest months I've seen him live. It pains me that I'll likely never be able to retire him, because he deserves a life that isn't just waiting for his next shift to start. This weekend, everyone in my immediate family was able to come visit me in college except for him, as he had to work. He smiled over the phone but I could tell he was upset, and my mom said the same. I know that if I have kids it'll be the same, though I doubt I could ever be half of a parent he is.
I don't want to be a millionaire. I don't want to never work. I just want enough to not feel guilty about buying myself food and to see my father retire. Is that too much to ask?
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this personal rant. Was gonna dm my best friend but I don't want to frighten her with my angst, lol.
Peace :]
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