i dropped out of college

[Hibiki]

it always feels awkward to post here because i'm never really active and nobody really knows me, but hello again. two days ago i had one of the worst breakdowns ever and finally made the decision, after a long while of consideration, to stop going to school, at least for the time being. my father was originally completely against the idea because he reasoned that doing nothing would make me feel worse than keeping myself busy, even if it stressed me out to no end. i suppose he sees now what kind of pain i'm in, and supports me wholeheartedly. he's really a wonderful father.

now that i am officially a neet, i feel even more worthless than before, because at least in school i was attempting to achieve something. i was studying music so it wasn't boring; it was just too much for me, both the work and the social aspect. i've noticed that over time i've become more introverted.

i feel like a waste of space, but i plan to distract myself from these feelings by doing the things i love, without having to worry about responsibilities. i can practice music on my own terms. i can get back into drawing; perhaps i could even try to set up a vgen account, if i get back the fanbase i used to have when i was an active animator on youtube. i can catch up on all the moege i need to finish. i could even get into new hobbies i've been interested in, like cosplaying and tailoring.

so perhaps this new change isn't all bad. like the director of the music program would say to me, i just need to take things one day at a time.



source: milky cat0618 on gelbooru

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I hope things get better for you. I wanna drop out of university so bad. I think it's not good for mental health.

 

[Hibiki]

I hope things get better for you. I wanna drop out of university so bad. I think it's not good for mental health.

i hope so too. it was probably easier for me because i was going to community college. even so, if you're set on dropping out, i don't see why you shouldn't. when i was telling my father about my plans, he said that nothing is more important than my life—whether or not i agree with that is another discussion—and if pausing your studies would help you recover, i'd support your decision. school absolutely takes a toll on your mental health. i envy those who are able to keep up with it.

 

[poplover]

jealous of you. i wanna drop out so bad but idk what i would do. i have until monday to decide if i want my 50% refund...

 

[PimpHand]

I dropped out of college in 2022. College caused deep traumatic events. I studied physics and since my country has absolutely no interest in deep research we live in an almost military field, competing for few opportunities. I dropped out because I didn't want to accept the pressure. Also they straight up refused any accommodations for my disability.

It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. Physics was everything for me. It was my identity, my personal love. I cried a lot, thought I was a failure. A complete wasted potential.

But nowadays I realized it was the right decision. Now I'm finishing Software Engineering and have a decent job. While my peers at physics barely have decent jobs after graduating. I heard of one girl that was excellent, she had a great research project, but couldn't even go to France complete her PhD because she didn't have enough money, and the government wouldn't give her any assistance.

We should stop normalizing the idea that people need to graduate at 21yo. Nowadays college doesn't even convert into a decent life. People should be able to stop something and move on. Just bc you started something doesn't mean you have to go all the way down.

You're not a waste OP. You have wonderful parents and I hope you can use that time to fill your creativity.

 

[.idiot]

I assume you didn't have any friends in college who could have supported you through your mental health issues there, given you had a breakdown there? And what specific things about college lead you to the point of having a breakdown?

Also- what program do you use for music, and what's your favored genre and song?

 

[naturalbornkitten]

I'm just enrolled in one class this semester and my family is judging me a lot because of it. I have no friends in college and I don't feel purpose in there. I understand feeling worthless, but you´re doing so much stuff! Keep going with your interests.

 

[HowToLive?]

I wish you good luck on your journey. Life can be really overwhelming sometimes so it's ok (and sometimes necessary) to slow down.

 

[hoppybunny]

Aa someone who dropped out of a harder university to go to an easier one, good on you for doing what's best for your mental health. You shouldn't have to suffer just to feel busy. Ofc idk if it was really the best choice since I've been job hunting for a year sinceni graduated buuutttt im coping by assuming i would have been job hunting regardless. Or dead.

 

[Hibiki]

I assume you didn't have any friends in college who could have supported you through your mental health issues there, given you had a breakdown there?

i'm scared to admit this because i know that others are / were in a much less fortunate situation, but i did have what you could consider "friends"; however, i saw them as just people i could talk to if i really needed (like, casually, not about personal things), not as people who actually cared about me or valued any friendship i might have had with them. i really only talked to these people because they were friends with my lover—who is probably the only human in the entire world who understands me; i would not be alive if not for him, i think—and i did not feel close to these people at all. in fact, they kind of scared me. i always pretended to get along with them just so they wouldn't hate me, but i was always scared to open myself up to them and try to be closer to them.

tl;dr: sort of, but i never opened up to them about my mental health, and they were really just acquaintances that i existed near for some time.

i also didn't have a breakdown at school. it was at home, so that's why i felt safe enough to feel all that i did, i guess.

And what specific things about college lead you to the point of having a breakdown?

it was just too overwhelming and made me hate myself even more than i already do. being surrounded by other musicians who appeared to have their lives together and an immense amount of skill only reduced my motivation and desire to continue studying and practicing. i felt like an outcast, both socially and in my musical abilities. i never really got along with anyone and i was consistently anxious every time i went to class, to the point where i'd rock back and forth in my chair and look visibly uncomfortable. i just couldn't stand to be perceived by others anymore. i've also never been able to keep up with homework.

Also- what program do you use for music, and what's your favored genre and song?

i'm not sure what you mean by this. i just play the piano, and clarinet on occasion. however, i do sometimes write my own music, which is a hobby / passion project separate from my studies. for that i use musescore but i hope to start producing things in the future. i enjoy lots of genres but my favorite at the moment would be denpa. my favorite song is i am not a robot by marina.

 

[.idiot]

i'm scared to admit this because i know that others are / were in a much less fortunate situation, but i did have what you could consider "friends"; however, i saw them as just people i could talk to if i really needed (like, casually, not about personal things), not as people who actually cared about me or valued any friendship i might have had with them. i really only talked to these people because they were friends with my lover—who is probably the only human in the entire world who understands me; i would not be alive if not for him, i think—and i did not feel close to these people at all. in fact, they kind of scared me. i always pretended to get along with them just so they wouldn't hate me, but i was always scared to open myself up to them and try to be closer to them.

tl;dr: sort of, but i never opened up to them about my mental health, and they were really just acquaintances that i existed near for some time.

i also didn't have a breakdown at school. it was at home, so that's why i felt safe enough to feel all that i did, i guess.


it was just too overwhelming and made me hate myself even more than i already do. being surrounded by other musicians who appeared to have their lives together and an immense amount of skill only reduced my motivation and desire to continue studying and practicing. i felt like an outcast, both socially and in my musical abilities. i never really got along with anyone and i was consistently anxious every time i went to class, to the point where i'd rock back and forth in my chair and look visibly uncomfortable. i just couldn't stand to be perceived by others anymore. i've also never been able to keep up with homework.


i'm not sure what you mean by this. i just play the piano, and clarinet on occasion. however, i do sometimes write my own music, which is a hobby / passion project separate from my studies. for that i use musescore but i hope to start producing things in the future. i enjoy lots of genres but my favorite at the moment would be denpa. my favorite song is i am not a robot by marina.

So the "friends" were really little more than classmates. Understandable why you would not open up to them then.

I think you should open up to your boyfriend if you haven't already about these things you're feeling- you said you think he's the only person who can really understand you, and that is a pretty heavy feeling so there certainly has to be some truth to it, which makes me certain he will be willing to help you.

I don't have much to say about your issues with how your classmates seem to be all put together while you feel lesser that isn't the usual generic "don't compare yourself to others" or "they're going through stuff too!" shit. I do however advise trying to find faults with them that you don't have so that you at least can possibly feel a little better about yourself if you really, REALLY can't help but compare yourself to them.

What I meant by "what program" is what kind of software you use for audio mixing and stuff when recording music. I thought that someone in a music major would be learning to work with stuff like that, but it appears I'm incorrect.

 

[Hibiki]

I think you should open up to your boyfriend if you haven't already about these things you're feeling- you said you think he's the only person who can really understand you, and that is a pretty heavy feeling so there certainly has to be some truth to it, which makes me certain he will be willing to help you.

my lover knows almost everything about me, so he's already aware of everything that i'm feeling and doing. i don't know what you mean about him helping me; it isn't his responsibility to fix me and he's already doing as much as he can to make me safe and comfortable.

a long time ago i did assume that finding a human to love me would heal me, but as it turns out, i'm still quite sad. even though being with him makes me really happy, i just hate myself so much that i can't be content with anything. i don't think i deserve anything that i have, and i'm still set on ending my life, for everyone else's sake.

What I meant by "what program" is what kind of software you use for audio mixing and stuff when recording music. I thought that someone in a music major would be learning to work with stuff like that, but it appears I'm incorrect.

the field of music is quite vast and not every music student focuses on production. some are studying to perform classical music in an ensemble, which doesn't require any technology or modern equipment. i was studying music education in the hopes that i'd become a high school band teacher in the future. i appreciate you showing interest in the field and hope i was able to answer all your questions. (,,>﹏<,,)

 

[hoppybunny]

it was just too overwhelming and made me hate myself even more than i already do. being surrounded by other musicians who appeared to have their lives together and an immense amount of skill only reduced my motivation and desire to continue studying and practicing. i felt like an outcast, both socially and in my musical abilities. i never really got along with anyone and i was consistently anxious every time i went to class, to the point where i'd rock back and forth in my chair and look visibly uncomfortable. i just couldn't stand to be perceived by others anymore. i've also never been able to keep up with homework.

I felt this way too but with computer science. Everyone could code and loved doing it except for me. And everyone understood everything while i never did. It's definitely a terrible feeling. But i find that i enjoy learning outside of class. I think no matter how hard we try, school puts us in am environment that naturally forces us to compare ourselves to others, whether we want to or not. We have to learn at a specific timeline and we all get grades. It's just a breading ground for anxiety. I hope ur time away from school allows you to enjoy learning and find yourself. I am planning to learn computer science again outside of school from scratch outside of school after i gain a job and move out. And I'm pretty excited to be able to learn without pressure.

 

[N@te]

jealous of you. i wanna drop out so bad but idk what i would do. i have until monday to decide if i want my 50% refund...

if your not sure you may be able to try getting a leave of absense