Venting i don't think i really want to die but i don't want to live as myself and that leaves me with no choice

[fleurdelune]

it feels like killing myself or at least dying early is my only option. i wouldn't be able to bear living in my ugly body with my defective brain for an entire lifetime. it's just odd because there are things about the world that i think are nice or beautiful (like nature, animals, autumn, the rare instances where people are really kind to one another, and probably a few other things). it's just not enough to keep me wanting to be alive when we live in a world that seems to have more bad than good or neutral (and much of the bad is our fault because humanity is selfish and terrible). at a fundamental level i'm too stupid and sensitive and incompetent for life as we're expected to live it, but i think even if i lived in the woods eating plants and chilling i would feel empty like i do now because of how i'm wired. living is too much work and i'm not up for the challenge.

i guess where i was initially going to go with this post is that i don't think i'd mind if i were reincarnated as someone else as long as i'd have a "normal" brain. i would be able to ignore the painful things i fixate on now (??) and i wouldn't find life so tiring that i'd rather end it. i would derive pleasure from things, i'd be interested in doing stuff, and the gaping hole in me wouldn't be infinite or maybe wouldn't exist at all. i've just about always wondered what it would be like to be cut out for life.

i'd be totally fine with death being nothingness too, though, and a spiteful part of me doesn't want to live even as someone else. i don't want to participate in this whole society thing in any body :P

idk... i'm probably not making very much sense, but maybe someone relates even a little bit? thank you for reading my rant :***) this forum has been a social outlet and a comfort for me lately as my mental health is declining steeply and i'm really grateful to everyone on here for fostering an environment where people can talk about their struggles relatively openly

also it's a shame i don't care for Type O Negative because "I Don't Wanna Be Me" fits quite well here lol

 

[lastappleonearth]

it feels like killing myself or at least dying early is my only option. i wouldn't be able to bear living in my ugly body with my defective brain for an entire lifetime. it's just odd because there are things about the world that i think are nice or beautiful (like nature, animals, autumn, the rare instances where people are really kind to one another, and probably a few other things). it's just not enough to keep me wanting to be alive when we live in a world that seems to have more bad than good or neutral (and much of the bad is our fault because humanity is selfish and terrible). at a fundamental level i'm too stupid and sensitive and incompetent for life as we're expected to live it, but i think even if i lived in the woods eating plants and chilling i would feel empty like i do now because of how i'm wired. living is too much work and i'm not up for the challenge.

i guess where i was initially going to go with this post is that i don't think i'd mind if i were reincarnated as someone else as long as i'd have a "normal" brain. i would be able to ignore the painful things i fixate on now (??) and i wouldn't find life so tiring that i'd rather end it. i would derive pleasure from things, i'd be interested in doing stuff, and the gaping hole in me wouldn't be infinite or maybe wouldn't exist at all. i've just about always wondered what it would be like to be cut out for life.

i'd be totally fine with death being nothingness too, though, and a spiteful part of me doesn't want to live even as someone else. i don't want to participate in this whole society thing in any body :P

idk... i'm probably not making very much sense, but maybe someone relates even a little bit? thank you for reading my rant :***) this forum has been a social outlet and a comfort for me lately as my mental health is declining steeply and i'm really grateful to everyone on here for fostering an environment where people can talk about their struggles relatively openly

also it's a shame i don't care for Type O Negative because "I Don't Wanna Be Me" fits quite well here lol

I think you make sense, I can relate in some ways. There are nice things in this world, a lot of them actually created by us, though a lot of them also not. There are I guess experiences worth living through, but I do kind of feel the same in the sense that it's just not enough. Sure I can go for a walk in the forest and I'm grateful for that, but this unfortunately doesn't fix anything, it doesn't make my loneliness go away. I honestly wish I was still a kid.
Well anyway I'm glad you're comfortable sharing your thoughts here, I wish you all the best

 

[rootbeer400]

I also understand where you're coming from, i think. I feel as though human existence is peak absurdity. It doesn't matter if your existence is as a caveman or a modern-day person when its all based on the bullshit expectations of living. Personally, I hope for nothing when i'm dead.

I hope you're able to enjoy this years Autumn season, look forward to the changing colours of the leaves. :)

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

Makes total sense to me! I've been having second thoughts about my ctb date. Patly, because I can't source what I need to do it, but also because I'm not sure I really want to "die," I just don't want to live as "me."

Except I do NOT want to be reincarnated! Once is bad enough! The thought of coming back again and again sounds like my idea of hell!

I don't necessarily want to die and the thought of sitting there with that cup and actually pouring is really scary. Like a the moment where I'm on the precipice and this is it and there's no taking it back. Do I really want to die? If I'm honest, not really. I just want to stop being a rejected failure at life.

And I'm too old to change that I've already completely failed at life. Fucked things up beyond all recognition. So I'm pretty much just waiting until my ex doesn't want to support me anymore, and then I'll be homeless and won't have the means to do it myself. I'm just waiting to die right now anyway, and SN or N would be about as peaceful a way to go as there is. I have a lot of physical health problems, so natural death is unlikely to be very pleasant for me.

I'm one of those people (and many are not suicidal) who thinks it's cruel that we can give our pets a peaceful, painless death, but very few people live someplace where they can obtain that for themselves. And even in those states, you have to be terminally ill----not just terminally bad at life.