Venting I don't know what to think anymore

[Reflection]

I was gonna ctb yesterday, but after having a panic attack the day before and being rushed to the ER I didn't, though it's just been postponed at best. Now I'm staying at home for the week, and just yesterday my ex reached out to me asking why I haven't been to college, I assured her that I'm gonna come back the following week and had a talk with her explaining what happened, her response was something along the lines of "tough, hope you learned your lesson".

After a long conversation she told me that there's no way she's gonna even try to compromise and try to work things out and that I better focus on moving on to get better for the sake of not hurting my family and her. I tried explaining that I've been trying to for a whole year now, no avail. She only wants me around on her terms, and doesn't seem to care about me at all even after what happened, the only thing on her mind is: "I don't want to be blamed by anyone if anything happens to you, so get the fuck away from me if you care about me... or do you want to see me dead until you believe it"...even though I never tried to frame it that way and reassured her that none of it is her responsibility and that I would make sure to get her out of the picture completely no matter what happens. to which she simply repsonded "ok thanks".

She also told me something that made it seem like she thinks I have loose screws, which I thought was very insensitive, and also kept making light of the situation multiple times and laughing and joking about it when we talked.

I honestly keep thinking right now that she might be right about everything and that I'm just flat out mentally insane for not being able to move on and trying to work things out, that everything going on now is my fault only, that I'm just hurting her when I try to talk to her about trying to fix things... I don't know and never will I guess. I don't want to hurt anyone and now I feel like being responsible for anyhting that might happen to her if I CTB which makes me hold off even more.

 

[Raichu]

Listen buddy, we are all here because we have something going on in our lives which we cannot deal with. Sure we may have mental illnesses but that doesn't make us less worthy. I have been where you are, and honestly it hurts. IT HURTS LIKE HELL, I ADMIT. But on the other hand now you know what she is actually like, isn't it? I probably should not make any comments, but I can't help but say, going by what you said, she is terribly self centred and probably is used to being the centre of attraction. And I totally understand that you can't seem to get over her. It is okay, it is normal, sometimes we cannot get over someone whom we held so close to our hearts. But remember pal, you too are a human, and as you said you are working on yourself. PLEASE KEEP GOING, DON'T STOP HERE. YOU WILL ONLY KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS IF YOU KEEP MOVING FORWARD. And as a psychiatric patient dealing with a mental illness myself, all I can say is that you don't have any screws loose. DON'T EVER THINK LIKE THAT. My heart reaches out to you. PLEASE KEEP GOING MATE!

 

[Reflection]

Listen buddy, we are all here because we have something going on in our lives which we cannot deal with. Sure we may have mental illnesses but that doesn't make us less worthy. I have been where you are, and honestly it hurts. IT HURTS LIKE HELL, I ADMIT. But on the other hand now you know what she is actually like, isn't it? I probably should not make any comments, but I can't help but say, going by what you said, she is terribly self centred and probably is used to being the centre of attraction. And I totally understand that you can't seem to get over her. It is okay, it is normal, sometimes we cannot get over someone whom we held so close to our hearts. But remember pal, you too are a human, and as you said you are working on yourself. PLEASE KEEP GOING, DON'T STOP HERE. YOU WILL ONLY KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS IF YOU KEEP MOVING FORWARD. And as a psychiatric patient dealing with a mental illness myself, all I can say is that you don't have any screws loose. DON'T EVER THINK LIKE THAT. My heart reaches out to you. PLEASE KEEP GOING MATE!

Thank you for your kind words, at the moment I'm reevaluating things after the bad experience I had earlier this week. While I still don't know what to think of her completely and still miss her, I think she is painfully immature at worst, or might have thought that I was just trying to manipulate her as is the case with many people, but I genuinely can see past that. In any case, I have decided that I'm not going to commit suicide for a while now, and instead focus on improving other aspects of life before anything else, I definitely won't be going by my hand anytime soon before I exhaust all my options.

 

[Raichu]

Thank you for your kind words, at the moment I'm reevaluating things after the bad experience I had earlier this week. While I still don't know what to think of her completely and still miss her, I think she is painfully immature at worst, or might have thought that I was just trying to manipulate her as is the case with many people, but I genuinely can see past that. In any case, I have decided that I'm not going to commit suicide for a while now, and instead focus on improving other aspects of life before anything else, I definitely won't be going by my hand anytime soon before I exhaust all my options.

Hey I am glad you decided to stay.
Please feel free to dm or reach out to me, if my words offer you any solace. Keep working on yourself king, sooner or later she would realise whom she lost, I betcha!

 

[coffeebeany]

I was gonna ctb yesterday, but after having a panic attack the day before and being rushed to the ER I didn't, though it's just been postponed at best. Now I'm staying at home for the week, and just yesterday my ex reached out to me asking why I haven't been to college, I assured her that I'm gonna come back the following week and had a talk with her explaining what happened, her response was something along the lines of "tough, hope you learned your lesson".

After a long conversation she told me that there's no way she's gonna even try to compromise and try to work things out and that I better focus on moving on to get better for the sake of not hurting my family and her. I tried explaining that I've been trying to for a whole year now, no avail. She only wants me around on her terms, and doesn't seem to care about me at all even after what happened, the only thing on her mind is: "I don't want to be blamed by anyone if anything happens to you, so get the fuck away from me if you care about me... or do you want to see me dead until you believe it"...even though I never tried to frame it that way and reassured her that none of it is her responsibility and that I would make sure to get her out of the picture completely no matter what happens. to which she simply repsonded "ok thanks".

She also told me something that made it seem like she thinks I have loose screws, which I thought was very insensitive, and also kept making light of the situation multiple times and laughing and joking about it when we talked.

I honestly keep thinking right now that she might be right about everything and that I'm just flat out mentally insane for not being able to move on and trying to work things out, that everything going on now is my fault only, that I'm just hurting her when I try to talk to her about trying to fix things... I don't know and never will I guess. I don't want to hurt anyone and now I feel like being responsible for anyhting that might happen to her if I CTB which makes me hold off even more.

I have to agree with people here and I hope you do not find me insensitve or rude. I understand your pain. I understand the deep hurt. That break up must have felt like the world crumbling under your feet and not being able to find stable ground ever since. I have been there. I wanted everything to end. And consciously or not I swalloweda bottle of sleeping pills because I could not bear the feeling anymore. You might suffer from mental problems and illness ( I do myself) but you are NOT crazy nor selfish. Life and relationships are difficult and complicated. Depending on your background and experinces you might struggle more or less (who knows what makes people more "resilient" than others. I often wonder because one of my ex-partner has had his fair share of severe trauma but he is not affected by depression like I am although he has his ups and downs).
But your ex-gilrfriends does not seem like a safe and healthy person for you. No one deserves to hear stuff like this from a loving and emythatic person. Before you make any drastic decision try to keep pushing a bit longer. I understand the pain and the wish to give up. But keep going and do not let others determine the quality of your pain or life. You are worthy.

 

[Reflection]

I have to agree with people here and I hope you do not find me insensitve or rude. I understand your pain. I understand the deep hurt. That break up must have felt like the world crumbling under your feet and not being able to find stable ground ever since. I have been there. I wanted everything to end. And consciously or not I swalloweda bottle of sleeping pills because I could not bear the feeling anymore. You might suffer from mental problems and illness ( I do myself) but you are NOT crazy nor selfish. Life and relationships are difficult and complicated. Depending on your background and experinces you might struggle more or less (who knows what makes people more "resilient" than others. I often wonder because one of my ex-partner has had his fair share of severe trauma but he is not affected by depression like I am although he has his ups and downs).

I understand that people aren't going to completely understand and that's fine, that's all what most people will see it as, "a simple breakup that you cry over for sometime and move on from". To be honest I have never had any mental issues or struggled with depression before, I have been doing fairly fine until it happened, and while I'm not gonna pretend like I have the worst life I've gone through some pretty tough shit in life before, including being SA'd as a child, among other things, and never let any of it hold me back...life does have its ups and downs and that's to be expected, yet nothing ever hurt me the same way this did, because I really cared, and I did my very best to show it and tried to follow up on each and every promise.
It's already been over a year since it happened, normally I should be doing fine for now going by most people's experiences...Yet it affected me this much and there's nothing I can do about it, I just came to accept it.