Venting I don't know what to do

[Menschenmühle]

I'm a 20 year old college student, although I don't think that description would fit me for any longer, for I haven't gone to my uni for more than a month, and don't plan to do so any time soon. My family don't know about this, and probably never will. I don't plan to tell them anything, it would only make them go hysterical, but I don't know what to do.
I stay up late at night, since sleep rarely comes to me, I just spend my days 24/7 clogged to my computer screen, I don't want to do anything else, even when I do want to do something, I don't have the motivation to carry it out, even getting out of bed can be a chore at times.
I've lost all will to keep moving forward, I see no hope in any prospect, I don't want to study, I don't want to start a career, a project, a relationship, nothing really, but I don't want to stay this way either, I know it's unsustainable, and I'm bored out of my mind because of it.
I wish I could tell someone about this, but I have no friends who I can confide to, they just don't give a shit about me, and whatever "close" friends I had, completely cut all contact with me, I guess they never really liked my company.
My mind is empty of every thought except that of suicide. From the moment I wake up, I fantasize about my death, I think about the ligature that I will buy, the time and the place where I will hang myself. Yet despite this constant suicidal ideation, I don't feel that I have the resolve to go through with it, even in this matter, my inertia overwhelms me.
I'm completely stuck, I don't know how I landed myself in such a situation, I've always been a bit like this, but I've never reached this point where I feel utterly helpless.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it can be dreadful when everything seems hopeless and you have no motivation for anything. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I can relate a bit, in sense that I do not wish to do anything in life. I see It as a chore tbh

 

[ashfall]

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I'm in a similar situation and I know how awful it is.

I'm also a college student and I struggle with depression. I've been on a downward spiral since August and I completely messed up my Christmas exams because of it. Now I'm in a place where I don't have any options I like except death and don't know what to do. I don't want to defer the year, but there is no way I can catch up the way I am now. This is already my second time doing this year because of medical issues and the idea of deferring a second time is not just exhausting but humiliating. I've thought about changing courses but there's nothing else I want to do. I try and think about what a happy future looks like for me and I come up blank. I'm like you in that I don't enjoy anything anymore and have no motivation. I feel so guilty that all I want to do is ctb but I can't help it. I understand what it's like to feel trapped.

You're not alone and your feelings are valid. I'm here if you'd ever like to talk.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I'm also a college student and I struggle with depression. I've been on a downward spiral since August and I completely messed up my Christmas exams because of it. Now I'm in a place where I don't have any options I like except death and don't know what to do. I don't want to defer the year, but there is no way I can catch up the way I am now. This is already my second time doing this year because of medical issues and the idea of deferring a second time is not just exhausting but humiliating. I've thought about changing courses but there's nothing else I want to do. I try and think about what a happy future looks like for me and I come up blank. I'm like you in that I don't enjoy anything anymore and have no motivation. I feel so guilty that all I want to do is ctb but I can't help it. I understand what it's like to feel trapped.

You're not alone and your feelings are valid. I'm here if you'd ever like to talk.

So relatable I repeat this year for second time too. I really hope to pass this time though.