Story I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Please help.

[ILiveForMusic]

Hi, I'm a new user and created this account just a few days ago, as I have no one to talk to about this who will understand. Ironically, I found this forum through a Youtube video that was trying to censor it, and being the nosy girl I am, I went out trying to find the uncensored version. Upon doing more research, I realized that this is actually exactly what I've been looking for, and that there are people on here that could help me, and stop me from ending my life.

I've tagged this thread as a story to give you all a little background.
I'm a young adult. Meaning I've just recently felt like I'm not a teenager anymore. But, the more i've grown up, the more my life has gotten harder. I've fallen into depression for the first time in my life, and I need help. My main reason for wanting to ctb is my family, which is probably something you've heard many times before, but I'm begging you to hear me out, because I really, really, really need help.

I'm an outgoing person. I'm very loud, I crack many jokes, and can befriend ANYONE within seconds. I'm very confident (socially), and, well, my personality has made life really enjoyable for me so far, because it quite literally makes it impossible for me to stay sad for long periods of time. But recently, it hasn't been doing that anymore. Also, I am a very insecure person. I worry about my looks very often, and do not have physical confidence, not one bit of it. This contributes to my depression, and as the days pass by, it gets worse.

I come from a very religious family, from a country stuck in the past when it comes to tradition. Growing up, I thought all the things that happen in my family was normal. Physical abuse to discipline, reoccurring punishments, yelling, screaming, gaslighting, literally anything negative you could think of has probably happened in my home. I thought everyone went through it. I thought it was just the way of life. But, my sophomore year of highschool, I was finally given a lot more freedom, and I went to my friend's house. It was so taboo, her and her mom laughing and conversing with each other like they were friends. The jokes her mom could take. The way my friend had so much freedom and her mom trusted her. The way her mom would treat me. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest, I wasn't uncomfortable. I realized that I lived in a home that wasn't healthy at all. My mom likes to appear as a mother who likes to talk with her children and give good advice, but the minute you say something she doesn't like, she does not try to compromise. She wants everything done her way, same goes for my father. Recently, for the first time, well, ever, she has started to cry whenever she wants me to do something related to religion, something I've faced withdrawal from in the past few months.

I started to question things. "Why is this a sin? There's nothing wrong with it." "Wow, that's not allowed? How toxic." "Why are they forcing me to _____? That's not peace." My family did not like this. I attempted to take off my hijab, and it backfired completely. They claim they're not forcing me, but get violent when I want to take it off. Not to mention, they hate when I'm happy. At my big age, I still get my phone taken away, and get yelled at regularly. They attempt to take away everything that makes me happy. Contact with my friends, my music, my major? What does any of this have to do with them? Why do they care so much? Why can't they just leave me alone?

My suicidal thoughts started to stem quickly after these events occurred. I wondered why my parents decided to have me, and wish they never did. I am afraid of my family. They threaten to send me to the country they're from, a country foreign to me, because I do not want to practice religion. I feel like they hate me. I don't want to be here any longer, but, I don't want to die. I just want to be happy, away from them, but I cannot leave, because I am scared of what they'll do to me. No one understands. I can't just 'Call the police', and I can't just 'Get a lawyer'. My family is very traditional, all of these would backfire in some kind of way. Why have kids if you cannot parent. If you don't have the patience to sit down and think of a way that will satisfy everyone involved.

I'm so sorry for the long story, and if none of it makes sense. This is much deeper than you think, and I am not being dramatic. I cry every, single, day, and it hurts, so much. I have no one to talk to. I don't want to be a burden on my friends, the one person who's always complaining. I got a therapist, but she says that 'if you try to hurt yourself, I'll have to tell someone.", and I understand why that is the case, but I don't want this to become a big thing. I want advice from people who have actually gone through similar situations, people who can relate. People who can look at my story and just listen. I am so scared of my father, and I am scared of my mother, who will tell my father if she witnesses something. She is so two-faced. He's threatening to take away everything I live for, and if he does, I don't think I can hold on anymore. My sister tries to help me, but she goes right back to my parents and kisses up to them, not even attempting to help me. Sometimes, she contributes to their abuse. I feel so alone. The only thing keeping me alive is my social life, and my will to live a beautiful life in the future, away from my familial and religious pressure.

Suicide has been on my mind heavy lately, and I've even begun to research methods. But it hurts, I don't want to feel pain. I don't want to die. Life is so beautiful, and I don't want to lose that will to live. But it's getting really hard.

Just to note:
1. I am not looking for suicide encouragement or methods. I am looking for ways to stop thinking this way, things I could do to cope in a household like this until I am financially and mentally stable enough to move out.
2. Helplines are not really my thing. I am scared of what they'll do, it's kind of similar to my therapist situation.
3. I was going to post this in recovery, but realized that isn't the kind of discussion I'm looking for. As much as I'd love to recover completely, that is the final step that I am currently far away from.

Its hard to explain months of torture in one thread to help you all understand what it's really like, and if you have any questions, I'll try my best to answer them.

Thank you to whoever has read until the end. I would really appreciate your help and advice. I have so much to live for, but if I have to do it, I think I will.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find some solace here.

From what you've said, a lot of your current anxiety seems to be around the restrictive life you are forced to live at home. I'm assuming you must be at least 18 to have joined the forum. Can you consider perhaps moving away in order to study? That seems like a path your family may be more willing to accept but- it does seem as if being free of the restrictions your family impose on you- plus that home environment may help you.

My early ideation was also caused by a family member. It definitely helped me at least initially to get away from them. Although, I can appreciate it isn't always easy for people. Financially too.

I would actually recommend you posting in the Recovery section also though. I get the sense that you are more keen on trying to avoid/ prevent your suicide and I imagine the members that side of things may have more ideas on how to do that. They will also be able to sympathise with still having ideation though.

 

[SASU-KE]

I understand your situation. I don't care much for that particular religion, mainly because of how they treat women. I just don't understand that part.

Apart from that, your family is also toxic. They're gaslighting you and treating you very poorly. They also seem to feel like it's their right to do so. That's why honor killings are so prevalent in Islam. They just think that it's their right to do that if their women don't fall in line.

The governments don't make it easy either. I feel for you.

Your only hope is to be independent and leave.I pray you can eventually do that.

I hope one day you can hit them with the jab and set aside your hijab.

 

[ILiveForMusic]

Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find some solace here.

From what you've said, a lot of your current anxiety seems to be around the restrictive life you are forced to live at home. I'm assuming you must be at least 18 to have joined the forum. Can you consider perhaps moving away in order to study? That seems like a path your family may be more willing to accept but- it does seem as if being free of the restrictions your family impose on you- plus that home environment may help you.

My early ideation was also caused by a family member. It definitely helped me at least initially to get away from them. Although, I can appreciate it isn't always easy for people. Financially too.

I would actually recommend you posting in the Recovery section also though. I get the sense that you are more keen on trying to avoid/ prevent your suicide and I imagine the members that side of things may have more ideas on how to do that. They will also be able to sympathise with still having ideation though.

Hi! Thanks for replying.

Moving away isn't an option either unfortunately. In a heated argument with my mom I brought up the possibility and she go extremely angry. They trap me in their home and force me to do what they want. She says she doesn't care if I'm an adult and will find a way to turn my entire family against me if I leave (Which I honestly don't care about if I think about it now). Also, financially, moving out just isn't an option right now. But thank you for the advice, it really means a lot.

I'll try posting in recovery sometime soon. You definitely know a lot more than I do about the forum, so I'll take your advice. Thank you so much.

I understand your situation. I don't care much for that particular religion, mainly because of how they treat women. I just don't understand that part.

Apart from that, your family is also toxic. They're gaslighting you and treating you very poorly. They also seem to feel like it's their right to do so. That's why honor killings are so prevalent in Islam. They just think that it's their right to do that if their women don't fall in line.

The governments don't make it easy either. I feel for you.

Your only hope is to be independent and leave.I pray you can eventually do that.

I hope one day you can hit them with the jab and set aside your hijab.

When I was a kid, I definitely would've looked at you crazy for thinking that. But it seemed that the minute I became an adult, everything changed. I completely agree with you.

One of my thoughts that keep coming up along with ctb is how I wouldn't want to if I was a boy. They have 3 other boys and treat them completely differently, they are married and have their own families but it's also just that they had them in my ethnic country and moved to the West when they were just little boys, so they don't even really know them enough to try and boss them around the same way they do their 2 other children—their girls.

You're right about the honor killings, too. Which is why I'm so scared. I've seen how angry my father can get, and even though they preach about murder being against our religion, who's to say he won't do it out of anger one day? I don't feel safe here at all.

Thank you so much for sympathizing. All I wanted was for someone to understand and advice me. Thank you.

 

[SASU-KE]

You're right about the honor killings, too. Which is why I'm so scared. I've seen how angry my father can get, and even though they preach about murder being against our religion, who's to say he won't do it out of anger one day? I don't feel safe here at all.

Unfortunately, it's happened many times. They view women as property instead of people.And to clarify, I don't have a problem with Muslim people. Only with Islam. They're 2 completely different things.

 

[Nightingale93]

But, my sophomore year of highschool, I was finally given a lot more freedom, and I went to my friend's house. It was so taboo, her and her mom laughing and conversing with each other like they were friends. The jokes her mom could take. The way my friend had so much freedom and her mom trusted her. The way her mom would treat me. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest, I wasn't uncomfortable. I realized that I lived in a home that wasn't healthy at all. My mom likes to appear as a mother who likes to talk with her children and give good advice, but the minute you say something she doesn't like, she does not try to compromise. She wants everything done her way, same goes for my father. Recently, for the first time, well, ever, she has started to cry whenever she wants me to do something related to religion, something I've faced withdrawal from in the past few months.

Oh my gosh, I relate to this so much, and I wish it wasn't a thing in this world. Helicopter parenting, micromanaging every aspect of your life, never giving you any freedom to discover yourself or to become your own person just angers me so much.
I see this with my cousins and their parents as well. The way they casually converse with each other like they're friends, use curse words, etc.
Thank you for posting this, it makes me feel like I'm not alone, but I wish I could help you as well.
I guess the only way out out of this situation, and since I'm in the same situation, would be to become financially independent and move out on your own. That's the only way you can cut off your toxic family for good.
I really hope you find the life you are looking for <3

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I think you've answered your own questions to some degree in your OP and subsequent responses to others' posts:

You know you need to leave, but are unable due to financial constraints and possibly other reasons, too. You're NEVER going to change your parent's ways. You will never be truly free to be your own person, so long as you must exist within the confines of your parent's beliefs. This will continue to create conflict within yourself until it, eventually, eats away your very essence.

It seems to me that if you want to live, if you want to flourish, grow, and be free to become your own person, there is only one solution. As it stands, you have 3 choices. You can either 1) stay in the sutuation you are in, stagnating, becoming more and more bitter and angry. Or, 2) you can escape by any means necessary and never look back, as hard as it may be to do. Or, 3) you can end your life in hopes of finding peace that way.

I think that if I were a young woman with her entire life in front of her, and lots of good things (your words) to experience in the world, I would opt for solution #2, no matter how difficult, or scary, the prospect. I'd find a way to make it happen even if I had to "sin" to save myself. Because that's what it comes down to. You either save yourself, or you don't. No one else is going to do it for you.

 

[ILiveForMusic]

I think you've answered your own questions to some degree in your OP and subsequent responses to others' posts:

You know you need to leave, but are unable due to financial constraints and possibly other reasons, too. You're NEVER going to change your parent's ways. You will never be truly free to be your own person, so long as you must exist within the confines of your parent's beliefs. This will continue to create conflict within yourself until it, eventually, eats away your very essence.

It seems to me that if you want to live, if you want to flourish, grow, and be free to become your own person, there is only one solution. As it stands, you have 3 choices. You can either 1) stay in the sutuation you are in, stagnating, becoming more and more bitter and angry. Or, 2) you can escape by any means necessary and never look back, as hard as it may be to do. Or, 3) you can end your life in hopes of finding peace that way.

I think that if I were a young woman with her entire life in front of her, and lots of good things (your words) to experience in the world, I would opt for solution #2, no matter how difficult, or scary, the prospect. I'd find a way to make it happen even if I had to "sin" to save myself. Because that's what it comes down to. You either save yourself, or you don't. No one else is going to do it for you.

This might actually be the best thing anyone has told me in relation to this situation. Your words are so inspiring and honestly you made me see this from a new perspective.

You made me sit and think—I really can't change them. I can't change my family, this behavior is rooted into them through generations. Who's to say they're going to stop and listen to the one child the consider rebellious and wrong?

Laying out the options you personally thought of really helped me consider my own, seeing it from an unbiased viewpoint. I don't want to stay in this situation, and ctb doesn't sound too bad right now, but at the same time, I don't want to do it. So you're right, option 2 sounds the best for me.

I will definitely have to buildup the courage and confidence to stop caring about what they think, what they'll say, what they'll do, and start thinking for myself. Because if they didn't want this to happen, they should've never had me, and after all, it's everyone for themselves. They can't have the will to control me just because they're the reason I'm here, I'm a human being too. It's crazy.

Thank you again. The effort you put into showing me your perspective is seriously amazing and I appreciate it a lot. I've never had people who really tried to put effort into helping me with this. I'm really grateful I found this forum.

 

[violetforever]

hi, i relate a lot to your situation. different religions but my family is so dysfunctional from both religion and generational abuse cycles. its my grandpa who has forced religion onto our family in a toxic way. my mom would rather obey him in fear than ever defend herself or her daughters or even her own mom. i started questioning and speaking up about things too and they hate me for it. they say im the one causing problems when all im actually doing is having a reaction to abuse. i have no one except my grandma and she is probably as helpless as i am with how my grandpa treats her. my grandpa is even threatening to kick my sister out now since she has a boyfriend. shes fully an adult, its the most normal and natural thing ever, but hes saying shes sinful for it and what it entails doing. he even disproves of her major too like you mentioned. i dont know what is expected of us from our families? to be treated and punished like children forever instead of allowing us to be the adult women that we are? i wish it was easy to get away too. its so hard with a family like this on top of being poor. i feel like no one understands unless they are in the same situation. if you want to talk, im here. i feel like i know exactly what youre going through

 

[ILiveForMusic]

hi, i relate a lot to your situation. different religions but my family is so dysfunctional from both religion and generational abuse cycles. its my grandpa who has forced religion onto our family in a toxic way. my mom would rather obey him in fear than ever defend herself or her daughters or even her own mom. i started questioning and speaking up about things too and they hate me for it. they say im the one causing problems when all im actually doing is having a reaction to abuse. i have no one except my grandma and she is probably as helpless as i am with how my grandpa treats her. my grandpa is even threatening to kick my sister out now since she has a boyfriend. shes fully an adult, its the most normal and natural thing ever, but hes saying shes sinful for it and what it entails doing. he even disproves of her major too like you mentioned. i dont know what is expected of us from our families? to be treated and punished like children forever instead of allowing us to be the adult women that we are? i wish it was easy to get away too. its so hard with a family like this on top of being poor. i feel like no one understands unless they are in the same situation. if you want to talk, im here. i feel like i know exactly what youre going through

i honestly feel like all of this is so insane, how so many families go through this when it's obviously so wrong. getting punished for doing normal things. i have a concert upcoming next week and even though I've already gotten approval for it I'm still so scared they'll switch up and change their mind. it was already a tough battle getting permission for it, and i had to lie throughout the process to get even a shaky yes. Im literally an adult. I shouldn't even have to ask permission to go. I shouldn't be getting punished for going out, being on my phone, or even daring to think I can have religious freedom.

Thank you for sharing your story. It's really nice to know I'm not the only one, and I hope you're also able to find peace in your situation. I will definitely take your invite into consideration. Sending love, and lots of it!