I don't ever see myself recovering

[sadbunny]

I think that when you lose that vision of a happy life
and connection with people
and are down to one to nearly having no real relationships with anyone in your life
Recovery is almost or IS impossible
I've been hanging on by a thread to my life for the last 3 years
I'm losing my grip because I'm tired of the pain and the fight to live
Life shouldn't be a constant fight
Life shouldn't always be a battle
I've been doing everything in my power to recover from psychosis which led to depression, apathy, anhedonia and even physical side effects that don't seem to plan on leaving me ever
the traumatic psychotic event has led me down a dark path..
I have zero control over my feelings...
I become angry and am selfish now because of the pain
I've been trying to find something to ease, distract, or take it away
I've lost all of my integrity, I hardly know what that means now.

I feel more hopeless than ever before and the feelings of fear almost seem secondary
I'm almost fully emerged in hopelessness
I was so sad to leave my family behind and my children....
feelings of guilt kept me here
but I'm tired of fighting and the constant pain..
it's so cliché but I will kill myself because I don't want to feel the pain anymore

I know this is mostly rambles and unfinished thoughts. I'm sorry that you had to take a peak into my depressed mess of a mind.

 

[I screwed up]

I am in a similar boat as you my good friend. my situation is such that I can't even overcome my fear & SI to commit ctb. I lack the courage to attempt ctb as well as the ability to live happily ... I m in the worst place possible ...

 

[almost_dead]

-hugs-

 

[DyingAlf]

Sorry you're hurting so much.
I can relate to this.
Too broken to fix.

 

[Peter_pan90]

Makes 2 of us.

 

[Ghost2211]

I wonder if anyone ever 100% recovers after they see the world through suicidality.