cylus46
Member
- Jan 28, 2025
- 86
At first I had plenty reason to kill myself, I'm a very fact based person tho I also carry good emotional intelligence. Recently I been bed rotting and I spent a lot of time looking back at my life. Honestly I have had plenty of reason to be the way I am now as growing up from as young as I can remember all I knew was a life of abuse, loneliness, and isolation with some nice poverty and bullying sprinkled in. I could go into more detail but that would take WAY to long and no one wants or cares enough to read that.
Point is up untill 18 I had plenty of reason to kill myself and now at 20 I honestly have no excuse to be sad...my life isn't "bad" in a way it use to be, I have a decent paying job given to me by my mother, my step dad is willing to let me have his military benefits so I can go any college I want for free, I still live with my parents so no rent (yay) I'm going to the gym and im jacked, I have a average face card with long hair I always get compliments on. I have had mutiple chances for romance, I have friends, I have honestly everything open to me when it comes to deciding what I want to do with my life.
But yet...I'm still sad, I know I shouldn't be all the fucked up shit that happened to me in the past, growing up now it should just be that...in the past. I should take advantage of all that is given to me and make something of myself but I can't bring myself to think about my future or what I want. I can't understand why I'm so sad, angry and depressed, I should be happy...I should be better...but I bed rot, I have mental breakdowns and i panic constantly and think horrific thoughts constantly, one moment I'll be on cloud nine and almost feel like I'm riding this happy high then crash right back down to the verge of driving my car into a tree at 90mph.
And it just makes me feel so pathetic, so ungrateful so sad. Why? Why am I like this? I get trauma but Why can't I just grow the fuck up already and live my life?
What is wrong with me.
I want to get better
But I want it to fucking end just as much
And I don't know what goes on in my own head anymore.
Point is up untill 18 I had plenty of reason to kill myself and now at 20 I honestly have no excuse to be sad...my life isn't "bad" in a way it use to be, I have a decent paying job given to me by my mother, my step dad is willing to let me have his military benefits so I can go any college I want for free, I still live with my parents so no rent (yay) I'm going to the gym and im jacked, I have a average face card with long hair I always get compliments on. I have had mutiple chances for romance, I have friends, I have honestly everything open to me when it comes to deciding what I want to do with my life.
But yet...I'm still sad, I know I shouldn't be all the fucked up shit that happened to me in the past, growing up now it should just be that...in the past. I should take advantage of all that is given to me and make something of myself but I can't bring myself to think about my future or what I want. I can't understand why I'm so sad, angry and depressed, I should be happy...I should be better...but I bed rot, I have mental breakdowns and i panic constantly and think horrific thoughts constantly, one moment I'll be on cloud nine and almost feel like I'm riding this happy high then crash right back down to the verge of driving my car into a tree at 90mph.
And it just makes me feel so pathetic, so ungrateful so sad. Why? Why am I like this? I get trauma but Why can't I just grow the fuck up already and live my life?
What is wrong with me.
I want to get better
But I want it to fucking end just as much
And I don't know what goes on in my own head anymore.
