I couldn't bring myself to ctb today

[TheLastDoor]

Things got really bad earlier today and I felt I was finally ready to ctb. I'd planned everything carefully: bought some rope, tested it with my bodyweight and learned to tie a slipknot. Then I wrote a note for family. I decided rent a motel room so that my family wouldn't find my body and left the house wearing a backpack with the rope and the note in it. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I never even looked up a nearby motel to ctb. I just walked aimlessly for about an hour and returned home. I've lost the fearlessness I thought I had earlier in the day.

I feel angry that I didn't have the courage to take my life. I'm nothing more than a deadweight sucking up resources from others, so I feel like I really need to do this. Is there anything I can do to muster the necessary courage? I was thinking that maybe I should drink or do some type of drug, but other than this I have no further ideas.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I just walked aimlessly for about an hour and returned home. I've lost the fearlessness I thought I had earlier in the day.

I hope you don't feel you have to do something. Only you'll know if/when the time is right. But I share your frustration (over my own failure to act).

 

[BobMorane]

I think it's because your method is too agressive. You should choose something more passive like SN or N.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, I understand how you feel. The SI holds me back as us humans are programmed to survive. I will probably be able to do it, only when I reach a point of complete desperation. I guess only you know if/when it is the right time or choice. I wish you well.

 

[Originaldon]

The fact you didn't even get near a Motel would suggest you don't really intend or want to CTB.

 

[316]

It seems your SI kicked in and you subconsciously self-sabotaged (try saying that drunk lol) Makes me wonder if you are fully sure that you want to ctb. You might be, SI gets to the most certain people too, but it's worth thinking about.

Personally I know I want to ctb but I'm struggling with the idea of the violent methods, so I'm considering getting N