I check most of the suicidal boxes

[Lost Magic]

I was reading a checklist of all the suicidal things people do before they think or act on their ideations. I check all the boxes. I am fixated on death, talk about wishing I had never been born, feeling hopeless, taking more substances, mood fluctuates, my method is ready etc... I even have a will now in written form. It is still surreal, but I don't want to reach out to anybody (like some do and good luck to those folks) because it is too late for me now. There is no going back. And deep down, I don't want to go back or try to rebuild this shattered life of broken dreams. The planning of my death has given me goals but it wasn't easy to get to this stage. There is always a conflicting feeling inside that wants to keep me here to suffer. I can't let that distract me from letting go. I don't want a healthcare provider, I don't want hotlines, I don't want more crappy pills. I just want to finish this master plan and get the fuck out of here. This world is not my home!

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I've read some of those "supposed" checklists, and although I check off quite a few, many I don't. Like taking or using more substances. I don't use anything, nor do I drink alcohol of any kind, and have no desire to do so. I quit that stuff nearly 30 years ago and won't go back. Just because I have no desire to drown my sorrows with drugs or booze, doesn't mean I am not on the verge of ctb. Same goes for the mood one. My mood is steady. I have reached the point where I am just resolved. Basically, I'm numb. I'm just taking care of tidying up some things in my life and I'll be ready. I'm ready now, really, at least my inner self is. I'm not tidying up anything for me, it's so that my wishes get followed and someone doesn't have a great big mess of mine to clean up. Which leads to another thing: caring. Just because I care about having my affairs in some kind of order does not mean I am not suicidal. Everyone's circumstances are different and the reasons for needing to go are different, and I KNOW I MUST GO. And soon enough I will. My only goals, too, left in life have to do with planning my demise. I won't take happy pills, either, and I'm not talking to some goodie goodie two shoes on the phone. I KNOW why I'm depressed and there isn't any fixing it at this stage of my life, nor do I have the energy to try anymore, even I were inclined to do so. If not us, who is the better judge of when it is time for us to check-out?

 

[piger]

I read those checklists in song and dance. I always think of Wakko's Nations of the World when I go through those things.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I check every box except fearlessness …. I'm in the most likely demo - age, single, jobless, burdensome, hopeless…. But all methods are frightening… doing nothing is easier…

 

[Zerengin96]

Me too, but i dont have my method yet.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also see myself as not belonging in this world. Living just feels so pointless and empty. I can imagine that it must be a relief having a method ready. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.