I changed my mind

[ironrain]

I don't want to ctb. I just figured that I'm just a bad person and want an easy way out. I'm not even mentally ill or sth, I'm just a mess. So I'm going to continue existing because I still have hopes unfortunately and because I unfortunately enjoy drawing too much. I'd ctb if I didn't have a family but I do and I don't deserve them and I don't want to hurt them because they probably care about such a piece of trash. So that's it, for now.

 

[witchcraft]

I'm not a good person either.

 

[ironrain]

I'm not a good person either.

Well, we haven't murdered anyone so we're okay I guess?..

 

[witchcraft]

Well, we haven't murdered anyone so we're okay I guess?..

That you know of...

In seriousness, the whole "good / bad person" thing is confusing to me. I've thought about this before; the determination seems to take some accounting and depends on who and when you ask. Being a good person does not seem to correlate with finding comfort and success in the world, and yet not every bad person is rewarded either because "this town ain't big enough for two supervillains."

I've always felt like I put more effort into being considerate. However, the moment I believe someone has been inconsiderate of me, particularly if it seemed intentional, I will be more vindictive than most "bad" people. I have a strong personal sense of justice that by and large is not reciprocated or met by most people despite tiresome attempts at communication and compromise, so I hate most people. The internet is nice because I don't have to know someone enough to hate them.

I also feel like I put more effort into not being a hypocrite. I don't hold other people to standards that I don't also hold myself to. I make more time for other people than they make for me. On and on. But somehow I'm the bad guy?

The irony—they say being a good person helps one sleep at night, but that's small recompense when they're homeless meanwhile rich people are shagging kids at someone's mansion on a tropical island.

 

[rkk3]

I don't want to ctb. I just figured that I'm just a bad person and want an easy way out. I'm not even mentally ill or sth, I'm just a mess. So I'm going to continue existing because I still have hopes unfortunately and because I unfortunately enjoy drawing too much. I'd ctb if I didn't have a family but I do and I don't deserve them and I don't want to hurt them because they probably care about such a piece of trash. So that's it, for now.

yes continue existing
and dying matters to who
i chose what matters, it doesnt choose me
or i dont aka i dont choose anything

 

[ironrain]

That you know of...

In seriousness, the whole "good / bad person" thing is confusing to me. I've thought about this before; the determination seems to take some accounting and depends on who and when you ask. Being a good person does not seem to correlate with finding comfort and success in the world, and yet not every bad person is rewarded either because "this town ain't big enough for two supervillains."

I've always felt like I put more effort into being considerate. However, the moment I believe someone has been inconsiderate of me, particularly if it seemed intentional, I will be more vindictive than most "bad" people. I have a strong personal sense of justice that by and large is not reciprocated or met by most people despite tiresome attempts at communication and compromise, so I hate most people. The internet is nice because I don't have to know someone enough to hate them.

I also feel like I put more effort into not being a hypocrite. I don't hold other people to standards that I don't also hold myself to.

The irony—they say being a good person helps one sleep at night, but that's small recompense when they're homeless meanwhile rich people are shagging kids on a tropical island.

Yeah, what makes someone a good person is pretty subjective. Many people would call people pleasers good people because they are comfortable to be around.
I don't think there's something wrong about hating when people treat you poorly. It's not an inherently bad thing. Most people really do suck.
Also i hold myself to higher standards too lol. I realise it perfectly but I like to hate myself so... Yeah.



Also we all know that psychopaths that have murdered thousands of people sleep like babies lol

 

[LastNite]

Im glad you changed your mind. I hope things turn out great for you!

 

[HollowSoul]

Ctb should always be our last, last, very last resort

And sometimes when we're in our very deep negative thoughts we tend to drastically choose it without properly thinking about it

I intend to give life a few trys here and there, its nice to have that option there and to have a proper method figure it out just in case, but its something i really really need to sit throught

 

[ironrain]

Im glad you changed your mind. I hope things turn out great for you!

IVE BURNT MY TOMATO SAUCE

 

[LastNite]

IVE BURNT MY TOMATO SAUCE

LOL, I didnt know that u could overcook tomato sauce?

 

[ironrain]

Ctb should always be our last, last, very last resort

And sometimes when we're in our very deep negative thoughts we tend to drastically choose it without properly thinking about it

I intend to give life a few trys here and there, its nice to have that option there and to have a proper method figure it out just in case, but its something i really really need to sit throught

I think not properly thinking about it is the only way to really overcome SI. If I think rationally then I'm just an infantile girl that hasn't even seen live but wants to die. And the realisation makes me wants to die. And it's a loop lol.

But I agree. Maybe something good will happen. I can always ctb later.

LOL, I didnt know that u could overcook tomato sauce?

I left in on pan to cook like spices to simmer a little in it. But i forgot about if for a moment and now i can only have pasta CARBONara

 

[HollowSoul]

I think not properly thinking about it is the only way to really overcome SI. If I think rationally then I'm just an infantile girl that hasn't even seen live but wants to die. And the realisation makes me wants to die. And it's a loop lol.

But I agree. Maybe something good will happen. I can always ctb later.

Idk, maybe, I think SI its very very hard to overcome tbh I always think it will always trigger even if its 1 min before ctb. it really suck ass

 

[idfwlnh]

Living to exist is tbh really hard. It's lovely that you enjoy drawing, try to enjoy it as much as you can then! Your art is really pretty! I hope the future will shine bright enough that you'll just find a will to live not just because you want to exist

 

[ironrain]

Living to exist is tbh really hard. It's lovely that you enjoy drawing, try to enjoy it as much as you can then! Your art is really pretty! I hope the future will shine bright enough that you'll just find a will to live not just because you want to exist

Fellow artist, your art is very good too! Wanted to say that hehe

Idk, maybe, I think SI its very very hard to overcome tbh I always think it will always trigger even if its 1 min before ctb. it really suck ass

Agreed. I've heard people don't have instincts but wtf is SI then

 

[idfwlnh]

Agreed. I've heard people don't have instincts but wtf is SI then

To me, it's Satan, awfully illegal to exist oof

 

[ironrain]

IVE BURNT MY TOMATO SAUCE

Ok, I have cheese and milk so I have plan B

 

[imnotcoercive]

Most relatable post on here

 

[thinvy]

The most "good" person I knew when I was a child turned out to be a great person... with one really sinister secret that now completely poisons the positive view I had of the person. He's still one of the most generous and kind people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, even knowing what he did, and it sucks. His funeral was attended by what I would feel safe guesstimating as at least 100 people. Yeah, some of it was family, but he had so many people who showed up that only knew him for a bit. People who hadn't seen (or likely heard from him) in years showed up.

my point is that good and bad are just subjective measures that are useless at their core. you can't truly ever know ALL of someone, not even yourself. we all have blind spots, and we all have things we hide for whatever reason. no one is purely good or purely bad. no one is forever evil or forever bad. good people can do bad things. bad people can do great things. boiling down people to some unachievable metric of "goodness" or "dastardliness" or any other black and white and no inbetween based ideals system tends to only leave us worse off as a whole. the best we can do for one another is sometimes to just not be an immense asshole.

tl;dr I think you're probably a lot nicer than you give yourself credit for. this took way too long to type bc work is rude and kept interrupting me lol

 

[ironrain]

Most relatable post on here

Glad I'm not the only one

The most "good" person I knew when I was a child turned out to be a great person... with one really sinister secret that now completely poisons the positive view I had of the person. He's still one of the most generous and kind people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, even knowing what he did, and it sucks. His funeral was attended by what I would feel safe guesstimating as at least 100 people. Yeah, some of it was family, but he had so many people who showed up that only knew him for a bit. People who hadn't seen (or likely heard from him) in years showed up.

my point is that good and bad are just subjective measures that are useless at their core. you can't truly ever know ALL of someone, not even yourself. we all have blind spots, and we all have things we hide for whatever reason. no one is purely good or purely bad. no one is forever evil or forever bad. good people can do bad things. bad people can do great things. boiling down people to some unachievable metric of "goodness" or "dastardliness" or any other black and white and no inbetween based ideals system tends to only leave us worse off as a whole. the best we can do for one another is sometimes to just not be an immense asshole.

tl;dr I think you're probably a lot nicer than you give yourself credit for. this took way too long to type bc work is rude and kept interrupting me lol

Yeah, I agree. Still I like to put everything into boxes. That's just how I am

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Ctb should always be our last, last, very last resort

And sometimes when we're in our very deep negative thoughts we tend to drastically choose it without properly thinking about it

I intend to give life a few trys here and there, its nice to have that option there and to have a proper method figure it out just in case, but its something i really really need to sit throught

"Our" ?

Should that not be up to each person to decide for themselves, if it's a first or last resort?

For me, I would choose death over the chance of a happy life. It's my first preference. Because even the happiest of lives, can be ruined and turned into a living nightmare in seconds when something terrible happens to you that you didn't expect and likely could not have prevented. Happens to millions around the world every single day…

 

[HollowSoul]

"Our" ?

Should that not be up to each person to decide for themselves, if it's a first or last resort?

For me, I would choose death over the chance of a happy life. It's my first preference. Because even the happiest of lives, can be ruined and turned into a living nightmare in seconds when something terrible happens to you that you didn't expect and likely could not have prevented. Happens to millions around the world every single day…

I mean, you right

Everyone has their own judgment and I shouldnt talk for everyone my bad

 

[Captive_Mind515]

I mean, you right

Everyone has their own judgment and I shouldnt talk for everyone my bad

It's cool.

Many would probably agree with you, that it should be a last resort. (We even have the famous "last resort" organisation in Switzerland). I guess it's quite normal for many people to phrase it that way.

 

[sadbh]

Hope is the bane of my existence. I have hope for this guy who I'm not even compatible with like, he's the only reason I want to hang on, and I know it's logically not a good reason bc of compatibility issues.

You're so real for being honest about your feelings though

 

[purebliss]

I don't want to ctb. I just figured that I'm just a bad person and want an easy way out. I'm not even mentally ill or sth, I'm just a mess. So I'm going to continue existing because I still have hopes unfortunately and because I unfortunately enjoy drawing too much. I'd ctb if I didn't have a family but I do and I don't deserve them and I don't want to hurt them because they probably care about such a piece of trash. So that's it, for now.

I hope your life becomes better from this point onwards<3

Just always remember: When it comes to suicide there are no bad or good people. It is just how much suffering you can endure before you break.