I'm just so goddamn frustrated with myself. With life. I pissed away every opportunity for greatness I could have achieved and now I'm just a shell of a person. Now even while trying to take new meds to feel slightly better, I manage to fuck it up so I've been in agony the last 8 hours. Add on top of that I've only slept 2 hours in the last 24 hours, and the two days before that I've barely scraped together 4 hours of sleep a day. Likely how I fucked up taking the only med that's ever help in my life.
I got back on 70mg vyvanse 2 days ago, I took it for a long time before but when I got pregnant last year I got off of it. I don't know if it's lack of sleep, getting used to the dose, it just not working anymore, weird generic brand ingredient shenanigans, or some combination but it's hardly helped like the miracle drug it was last year. I crashed HARD after 5-6 hours the first day, nearly attempted there and then I was in so much distress. Ended up shaking my fiancé awake, begging him to save me because I didn't want to die (SI is so interesting when you're clearly not in real danger but your brain thinks you are), and he calmed me down.
My depression is at an all time high, SHing daily which yesterday resulted in me smashing my head so hard that I'm genuinely concerned I have a concussion. I don't even have the opportunity, energy, or means to go to a doctor. Fiancé broke his hand punching a fridge 2 weeks ago so he can't drive his manual for another week at least and has been taking my car to work. Of course I don't know how to drive a manual. Not to mention the amount of energy it would require to get two babies ready to sit in an urgent care or ER for several hours sounds like legitimate torture.
Yesterday I decided to try water-titration as I saw it recommended frequently for those struggling with vyvanse not lasting all day. Normally I am very careful with meds after previous genuine bad reactions in the past, but this time I was just too sick from sleep deprivation, isolation, and in pure desperation to feel better. Rather than look up the correct amount of water to dissolve the pill contents into, I just poured an arbitrary glass of water and did it. Turns out I used half the amount of water suggested and for the last 8 hours it's felt like a hole is being burned through my stomach. I drank half at 5pm and the rest at 8pm.
Thankfully, despite my stupid fuck up, it seems to have worked. I've felt the effects for just shy of 12 hours now from when I first drank it. Tomorrow (Today? It's 4am) I'll try to properly dilute it and see if that helps the pain. If anything though, this experience has seriously helped solidify that ODing on most pills is a shit option. I can't fathom feeling worse than this, and the knowledge that death is unlikely is just cruel.
I got back on 70mg vyvanse 2 days ago, I took it for a long time before but when I got pregnant last year I got off of it. I don't know if it's lack of sleep, getting used to the dose, it just not working anymore, weird generic brand ingredient shenanigans, or some combination but it's hardly helped like the miracle drug it was last year. I crashed HARD after 5-6 hours the first day, nearly attempted there and then I was in so much distress. Ended up shaking my fiancé awake, begging him to save me because I didn't want to die (SI is so interesting when you're clearly not in real danger but your brain thinks you are), and he calmed me down.
My depression is at an all time high, SHing daily which yesterday resulted in me smashing my head so hard that I'm genuinely concerned I have a concussion. I don't even have the opportunity, energy, or means to go to a doctor. Fiancé broke his hand punching a fridge 2 weeks ago so he can't drive his manual for another week at least and has been taking my car to work. Of course I don't know how to drive a manual. Not to mention the amount of energy it would require to get two babies ready to sit in an urgent care or ER for several hours sounds like legitimate torture.
Yesterday I decided to try water-titration as I saw it recommended frequently for those struggling with vyvanse not lasting all day. Normally I am very careful with meds after previous genuine bad reactions in the past, but this time I was just too sick from sleep deprivation, isolation, and in pure desperation to feel better. Rather than look up the correct amount of water to dissolve the pill contents into, I just poured an arbitrary glass of water and did it. Turns out I used half the amount of water suggested and for the last 8 hours it's felt like a hole is being burned through my stomach. I drank half at 5pm and the rest at 8pm.
Thankfully, despite my stupid fuck up, it seems to have worked. I've felt the effects for just shy of 12 hours now from when I first drank it. Tomorrow (Today? It's 4am) I'll try to properly dilute it and see if that helps the pain. If anything though, this experience has seriously helped solidify that ODing on most pills is a shit option. I can't fathom feeling worse than this, and the knowledge that death is unlikely is just cruel.
