I can't do it

[suisuiforum]

I wish someone would kill me instead. I wish I could die from some kind of accident instead. I wish that one very specific situation that would give me the strength to finally end it all would happen instead. But when I face my own mortality and try to come to terms with what I have to do, I simply can't. I have N. I know that objectively I must die, but I still can't do it, so I'm doomed to exist in a headspace between life and death. The survival instinct can be unfathomably persistent despite all logic and reason, and as it stands, this fatal (lol) flaw will be the bane of my existence for all eternity.

 

[makethepainstop]

Everyone must decide when to CTB, this is a result of that infernal SI.
It is not a failure but the genetics of our species SI, that does this.
No one here will condemn you for being yourself. Peace and much love to you.

 

[Hollowillow]

I wish someone would kill me instead. I wish I could die from some kind of accident instead. I wish that one very specific situation that would give me the strength to finally end it all would happen instead. But when I face my own mortality and try to come to terms with what I have to do, I simply can't. I have N. I know that objectively I must die, but I still can't do it, so I'm doomed to exist in a headspace between life and death. The survival instinct can be unfathomably persistent despite all logic and reason, and as it stands, this fatal (lol) flaw will be the bane of my existence for all eternity.

Lucky N. Enjoy life until you swallow it in desperation? I had extreme agony moments

 

[FuneralCry]

I do envy those with the option of N, I think that they are lucky, but I do know that for many people the SI can be strong even with the most peaceful methods. All humans are programmed to survive after all. It must be tiring feeling trapped. I wish you relief from suffering.

 

[Hope:-)]

I do envy those with the option of N, I think that they are lucky, but I do know that for many people the SI can be strong even with the most peaceful methods. All humans are programmed to survive after all. It must be tiring feeling trapped. I wish you relief from suffering.

There's no antidote for N though so at least any SI after drinking it won't affect the outcome. With SN there are twenty full minutes where I could seek help so that's worrying; especially if I have to do it without benzos. I can't navigate the darkweb so if SI kicks in with SN I am screwed; as getting my hands on N will be literally impossible for me and I'm not someone who would ctb with just any method out there. SN is the only technique where I could understand the steps. I would have no clue how to hang myself even if I studied it.

 

[victoria91]

If I had money I would hire a hitman for myself.
There was a film I watched a while ago when the wealthy planned there deaths and they got to choose how they wanted it and an approximate time.

If only I could.