Venting I can't CTB and it is the most frustrating thing

[FakePlasticTrees]

I had it all together, I got my SN, I got a motel room, had my things sorted and I told my bf I was working a double so no one would wonder where I was for awhile. And I still couldn't do it. I can't get past my SI, I can't get over my fear that it isn't nothingness that follows, but instead more suffering or reincarnation or having to relive my life in endless cycles. I also cant let go of some stupid sense of hope. I must be delusional because even in my worst moments some part of me still thinks things will get better. They never do, or only slightly and then quickly turn for the worse again. But I never seem to learn.
I wish I had a gun so I could impulsively do it without having to think much. I feel like I'm trapped here completely by my own fault.