Venting I can't believe it's ended up like this

[ipanema]

It really feels like the bad ending to my life. It really did seem like I was going to have a good life. I wasn't just optimistic, it was a reasonable prediction given the state of my life just a few years ago. But so many things have gone wrong that I could've never seen coming. At the end of the day it is my fault, and I have dug a hole for myself. I definitely could've been living happily right now. But life threw shovel after shovel after shovel at me. I'm not an idiot, I think I'm generally a pretty smart and level headed person. Life has just thrown me things so crazy that I can't even share. One, because you might not even believe me, and two because I feel like you could dox me from it because pretty much no one else has to go through these things.

But the issue isn't really what life has thrown as me, it's the scars they've left, and the stains. But those scars should never be there nor those stains. It's so egregiously stupid how things have played out. My life is terrible now, but even if my circumstances and environment completely changed, I still wouldn't like it. I'm not the person I was before, I don't wanna be this guy anymore. I'm not even depressed or mentally ill, my life is just terrible and I have reason to believe it'll continue being terrible. It feels like my life is over before it's even started. There's so much I haven't done.

I guess I could've been stronger and I could've not done stupid stuff. But some of the things I've had to go through, you would need Herculean strength to go through and stay on your feet. Most people don't have to be strong and they just live life fine. Some other things people would judge me for and tell me I shouldn't have done and I know that, but they don't understand what its like to be me and the wider context. And life just gave me test after test that it already knew I would fail, like it was specifically trying to punish me. But if my life were just allowed to go normally I wouldn't have fucked it up.

I think I can keep going for now though. Things used to be a lot worse. But in a weird way, it's bad that life is a bit better. Back when I was truly suffering, that suffering gave me purpose in a way, it filled the void. But now, it's like the storms over but now everything's destroyed. And there are many things I can't rebuild. I constantly wonder what the point even is though. I don't want the future that's staring me down the barrel. It would be really unfair to my parents if I went though, they've been good to me and sacrificed a lot for me. It would ruin them. Other people though, they motivate me to end it. There is a singular person in my life who is really the cause of how my life is right now. It is a bit unfair to blame everything on them because at the end of the day, I dug the hole for myself, but it's like they've been trying to ruin my life for nearly 2 years now. They haven't been punished at all. If I did go, they would know it's their fault and other people would know it's their fault. But it also seems so pathetic, I don't know if I want to end it to punish them or live out of spite. I'm such an idiot for just ignoring their obvious hostility and schemes and not realising who they were earlier. I imagine my life in a world without them and it's like that utopia meme. It really isn't fair.

I guess I won't go for now because my parents. But to say they're my will to live would be a bit wrong. It feels like more of a cage, I can't do what I want because of them.

 

[pepperfarmer]

I'm sorry you went through all that. It really is ridiculous how you can just have curb balls thrown at you at any point, and some people really just want to watch the world burn.

It happens that bad situations can make us react in bad ways. It is often easy to look at someone else's behavior from an outside perspective and condemn it. Obviously, it is important to take responsibility when we hurt others; but it is not fair to judge situations depriving them of their context, and a focus on punishment and condemnation does not prevent it from happening again like true learning and rehabilitation does. I hope you find peace and strength to push on and rebuild your life.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Feels hard to say much more than what @pepperfarmer did already considering all of the specific circumstances being somewhat vague.

All I can say, your situation overall sounds not unfamiliar to me as my life was also quite reasonably predictable to be good from judging objective external circumstances like education, intellect and how it looked 10 years ago, despite having it's challenges up until then which I however all overcame up until then.
But I also got thrown shovel after shovel at me as you put it and combined it with a bunch of not so great and in part probably devastating decisions and behaviour that really dug my own grave for me. Many things seem like they are beyond repairing and many ships have sailed.

I'm not really sure how to tackle any of this at this point and see no point either in living just for the sake of living an unfulfilled live that I can't appreciate because it could've been so much more of what I dreamed it to be and even by objective standards quite an underwhelming one.

I wish you all the best no matter how you decide to move forward with yours and hope you arrive at a better conclusion from all this than me.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

I can identify with this. I look back at where my life was ten years ago, and there was so much potential for a good life. And I really tried to build one, but there were so many bad decisions that I made along the way, and things that I just couldn't predict or stop fr happening that isolated me from other people and made life exponentially harder.

But there's nothing I can do about any of that now. I am too sick and broken down. And alone. I have ended up so alone. It's hard to live this life alone and without help. But I've been alone my whole life really, since childhood. And I guess I've never understood how to get help.

I guess I figured that something would change, that something would get better, that solutions would become more clear.

But nothing happened and nothing changed and I got everything wrong even as I was trying for something better. And it's done now.

 

[doggo2355]

I can identify with this. I look back at where my life was ten years ago, and there was so much potential for a good life. And I really tried to build one, but there were so many bad decisions that I made along the way, and things that I just couldn't predict or stop fr happening that isolated me from other people and made life exponentially harder.

But there's nothing I can do about any of that now. I am too sick and broken down. And alone. I have ended up so alone. It's hard to live this life alone and without help. But I've been alone my whole life really, since childhood. And I guess I've never understood how to get help.

I guess I figured that something would change, that something would get better, that solutions would become more clear.

But nothing happened and nothing changed and I got everything wrong even as I was trying for something better. And it's done now.

Cliché as shit but ya know, the best time to have started was yesterday, the second best is today.

Improvement is definitely possible, it is just super hard unfortunately.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Cliché as shit but ya know, the best time to have started was yesterday, the second best is today.

Improvement is definitely possible, it is just super hard unfortunately.

Depression tends to say "fuck you" to me every single one of any of these days...

But I get your point and you're not wrong. It's just super freaking hard unfortunately if one has to do it all by oneself which the majority of time is sadly the case.

 

[doggo2355]

Depression tends to say "fuck you" to me every single one of any of these days...

But I get your point and you're not wrong. It's just super freaking hard unfortunately if one has to do it all by oneself which the majority of time is sadly the case.

Oh I totally agree. Knowing something and actually feeling it are entirely different. It's gonna return for me at some point too and there's not much I can do about it, except try to build habits and support systems right now as long as I feel better.

Though I have to say being with people doesn't really help me all that much. It's more like it dampens the shitty stuff for a while but it immediately returns full force the second I'm alone. I really feel like most humans just aren't built to exist outside of our natural tribal structure of around 100-150 people.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Knowing something and actually feeling it are entirely different. It's gonna return for me at some point too and there's not much I can do about it, except try to build habits and support systems right now as long as I feel better.

I've always been trying to do that, but mostly failing spectacularly which continued me down the downwards spiral whenever I failed at establishing habits successfully and support systems continued collapsing fast than I could build them.
Nonetheless you are right, but again theory and practice widely differ for me, sadly.

It's more like it dampens the shitty stuff for a while but it immediately returns full force the second I'm alone. I really feel like most humans just aren't built to exist outside of our natural tribal structure of around 100-150 people.

I'll second that. But it's still the only cope that worked for me reliably. Maybe it's just numbing, maybe it's healing, as the lack of people giving a shit about me and friends is certainly a large part of my sorrows.