fox_wannabe
Enlightened
- Jul 7, 2021
- 1,112
I feel mental pain. I do not know how to say It. It starts when I wake up happy, and than seeing my happiness flee from me. I try to catch It and ask myself: what am I doing wrong?
Even though today was really bad. I had terrible nightmare, bodies, blood, basement rooms with cold grey tiles and semi transparent windows filled with terror beyond waking imagination. I woke up fucking traumatized.
I just feel mental pain, It does not physically hurt, it feels like existing hurts me. It might be part of having Asperger's and being oversensitive. I cannot stop It and I do not know what causes It. It might be depression. I would go to psychiatrist but I do not wish to go through another cbt session again, I had like 5 psychotherapists already and I was on various medications. Not fun. I stopped taking them either because I felt I was getting better or they stopped working. I am feeling that depression is a result of shitty life, not chemical imbalance. Whenever I think about my life I go back to my basic depressive state. I know I will have problems with job as I cannot handle work environment, because I can't handle being bullied or criticized, or maybe I am making excuses for wanting to ctb.
Also waking up in the morning: huge suicide fuel for me. When I wake up before my natural time I feel absolutely terrible.
Pain is low grad, persistent. I can only distract myself from It. I think I am done at this point.
Even though today was really bad. I had terrible nightmare, bodies, blood, basement rooms with cold grey tiles and semi transparent windows filled with terror beyond waking imagination. I woke up fucking traumatized.
I just feel mental pain, It does not physically hurt, it feels like existing hurts me. It might be part of having Asperger's and being oversensitive. I cannot stop It and I do not know what causes It. It might be depression. I would go to psychiatrist but I do not wish to go through another cbt session again, I had like 5 psychotherapists already and I was on various medications. Not fun. I stopped taking them either because I felt I was getting better or they stopped working. I am feeling that depression is a result of shitty life, not chemical imbalance. Whenever I think about my life I go back to my basic depressive state. I know I will have problems with job as I cannot handle work environment, because I can't handle being bullied or criticized, or maybe I am making excuses for wanting to ctb.
Also waking up in the morning: huge suicide fuel for me. When I wake up before my natural time I feel absolutely terrible.
Pain is low grad, persistent. I can only distract myself from It. I think I am done at this point.
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