Venting I can keep on living, but I won't do that

[falseNightingale]

I failed at my previous suicide attempt, after which I ended up at a mental facility (which funnily enough was probably the most fun I've had in my life). After getting out of there, I decided to trust that my parents had changed (huge mistake) and ended up right back in my shithole 3rd world country that I fought half my life getting away from. Now, I'm being forced to attend a college in town while they treat me like a pubescent teenager while also continuously insulting literally everything about me.

I have already lived so much of my life dealing with their shit and they can't possibly abuse me more than they already do. I could, in fact, totally complete my degree here and move away after. However, it exactly is the 'after' that drives my decision to CTB.

The very nature of my existence (trans) makes me an outcast to the world. Even if I make it out, I will still have to keep fighting my whole life just to have a miniscule chance at the quiet life. It wasn't the defects that I was born with, or the scars that I got along the way, it was the wounds of the oncoming future, that truly broke me.

I have come to the realization that hope is the most vile poison ever concieved, for it does not exist to kill, but only to make a soul suffer endlessly. That is exactly why I must never indulge in it again, for hope is nothing more than desperation in a fancy outfit.

Edit: Just to add, I have already secured the meds for SN method and have a reliable source where I'll hopefully be able to procure the nitrite very soon. I just wanted to get my mind out before there is no mind left to share.

 

[livefastdieyoung]

I am so sorry for what you have been through and continue to go through. I hope one day the world can become a kinder place for people who aren't straight white cis men, or at least destroy us all.

I am sending you hugs, and I hope you find peace whether it is in this life or in oblivion.