Venting i bought my rope today.

[fangface]

so, today i finally went out and bought some decent rope + some utility cord to hold it together with. i tested the strength and it holds up well.

i've been contemplating and ruminating over this for months, fighting SI and chronic suicidal ideation in the process. all i really have left now is to decide on whether or not to leave a note, and then pick a date. i've been in a strange dissociative state for so long that nothing i do feels real anymore. i feel so heavy and yet i feel like, if/when i ctb, it won't make a difference in the world. i've made attempts in the past but this is the first time that my actions haven't been mostly based on impulse. i guess i'm waiting for a final sign? something that tells me it's my time to go. i'm not a spiritual person whatsoever but i want to know that my partner and my family will be okay without me.

i'm just so tired. i hope my time is soon

 

[FuneralCry]

I am also tired, I know that it is hard to carry on living when all you want is to leave this world. I hope that you find relief from suffering in whatever happens, I wish you the best.