Venting I am so confused

[lostintheloop]

Sorry I'm so confused. So sorry for my posts that are confusing and go back and forth.
As some of you will know, I've known for a while about a system controlling me.
For a while I thought it was because I was a targeted individual then this week I thought they were like a friend trying to help me realise I'm the evil entity. Then today I became convinced I'm not real and just an error in a computer system and that's what's controlling me.
i am so confused about what's the truth. I think the most likely one that I'm coming back to is that it's just because they are rules and laws of the universe and I broke them by surviving my death date so that's why I'm being controlled.
I'm so confused about all the ideas coming up though and feel I'm losing my mind. I don't feel real but I must be.
All I know whatever tf is going on , ctb is the answer . It's only way to end this. To end my suffering and save others. Despite all my different theories, consistently i have known and had evidence of control. So that part is real.
Sorry I'm a mess . I know people have real and much worse shit to deal with and I treat this like a pathetic diary. Sorry

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Don't feel sorry for how you feel! None of us like that you feel this way, because we hate seeing you in pain. But we don't mind reading and reacting to your posts! I see someone who has lost their way in life and is trying their best to survive in a shitty world with a terrible health care system. My compliments for how hard you are trying!
Have you heard anything at all yet from your gp or the others?

 

[Forever Sleep]

There's no need to be sorry. That's what this place is here for. What angers me is that you don't seem to be receiving help from elsewhere. These must be terrifying thoughts and feelings for you to have. You deserve to be listened to properly.

As for the real reason behind it. Sadly, none of us can say definitively whether we are in a simulation, who really pulls our strings- we're all controlled to a certain extent by the society we live in. So- that doesn't help- to not know definitively what is going on. But, I do feel so bad for you. It's got to be a nightmare to go through this.

 

[lostintheloop]

Don't feel sorry for how you feel! None of us like that you feel this way, because we hate seeing you in pain. But we don't mind reading and reacting to your posts! I see someone who has lost their way in life and is trying their best to survive in a shitty world with a terrible health care system. My compliments for how hard you are trying!
Have you heard anything at all yet from your gp or the others?

There's no need to be sorry. That's what this place is here for. What angers me is that you don't seem to be receiving help from elsewhere. These must be terrifying thoughts and feelings for you to have. You deserve to be listened to properly.

As for the real reason behind it. Sadly, none of us can say definitively whether we are in a simulation, who really pulls our strings- we're all controlled to a certain extent by the society we live in. So- that doesn't help- to not know definitively what is going on. But, I do feel so bad for you. It's got to be a nightmare to go through this.

Thank you both so much for your understanding, kindness and patience especially when you will both be going through so much yourselves . I really don't deserve it

@UnrulyNightmare no haven't heard anything else yet . Might call or get someone to call again for me tomorrow if no update.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you both so much for your understanding, kindness and patience especially when you will both be going through so much yourselves . I really don't deserve it

@UnrulyNightmare no haven't heard anything else yet . Might call or get someone to call again for me tomorrow if no update.

You do deserve support. You're going through so much by the sounds of it. You're having to battle so many difficult and confusing thoughts too and it sounds as if you're doing it alone- which is awful.

Definitely pester these people. They will just ignore you if you don't. I hope they show you sympathy and understanding.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Thank you both so much for your understanding, kindness and patience especially when you will both be going through so much yourselves . I really don't deserve it

@UnrulyNightmare no haven't heard anything else yet . Might call or get someone to call again for me tomorrow if no update.

You deserve it in my eyes
Let us know how tomorrow goes? Whether you call or not? :)

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Hey, how are you doing today?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Echoing others here. You do deserve support, nothing about expressing your feelings and experience is pathetic. That's what this place exists for. We care<3 How are you doing today?

 

[lostintheloop]

Hey, how are you doing today?

Echoing others here. You do deserve support, nothing about expressing your feelings and experience is pathetic. That's what this place exists for. We care<3 How are you doing today?

Thank you both for your kindness and checking-in .

Not heard anything from GP/services so a relative emailed GP manager again to see if they can provide any updates. As last time manager was helpful and got GP to send urgent request to MH practitioner but been 2 weeks now and not sure if they've answered GP yet. Feels pointless though all this chasing up . I'm so exhausted. I don't even have it in me to put in the work to help myself or whatever so will just waste services time. regardless ctb is the only answer that makes sense and has for longtime . eventhough I missed deadline, if I still follow the instructions then maybe it'll still save some people. Sorry going on a bit , i'm fine in all . Thank you

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Thank you both for your kindness and checking-in .

Not heard anything from GP/services so a relative emailed GP manager again to see if they can provide any updates. As last time manager was helpful and got GP to send urgent request to MH practitioner but been 2 weeks now and not sure if they've answered GP yet. Feels pointless though all this chasing up . I'm so exhausted. I don't even have it in me to put in the work to help myself or whatever so will just waste services time. regardless ctb is the only answer that makes sense and has for longtime . eventhough I missed deadline, if I still follow the instructions then maybe it'll still save some people. Sorry going on a bit , i'm fine in all . Thank you

I hope the email brings some kind of response. I know it feels futile but don't give up on trying to reach them, please. Let others handle it since you've described how you're feeling about it, there's no shame in that. It's not a waste of their time, I understand completely how it must feel that way esp with no solid answers. We are here for you, keep us posted if you are able <333

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Thank you both for your kindness and checking-in .

Not heard anything from GP/services so a relative emailed GP manager again to see if they can provide any updates. As last time manager was helpful and got GP to send urgent request to MH practitioner but been 2 weeks now and not sure if they've answered GP yet. Feels pointless though all this chasing up . I'm so exhausted. I don't even have it in me to put in the work to help myself or whatever so will just waste services time. regardless ctb is the only answer that makes sense and has for longtime . eventhough I missed deadline, if I still follow the instructions then maybe it'll still save some people. Sorry going on a bit , i'm fine in all . Thank you

I can imagine you're exhausted! It's okay to rely on others for a bit. You're worth it. I hope you hear from them soon. Until then, are there anythings you enjoy doing?

Like I barely don't, but tonight I saw the northern lights for the first time in a long time again. Was something I wanted to see once more and even enjoyed it. Anything like that for you? To get the focus a bit off the feeling stuck and waiting and bad..?

 

[lostintheloop]

Thank you @opheliaoveragain

I can imagine you're exhausted! It's okay to rely on others for a bit. You're worth it. I hope you hear from them soon. Until then, are there anythings you enjoy doing?

Like I barely don't, but tonight I saw the northern lights for the first time in a long time again. Was something I wanted to see once more and even enjoyed it. Anything like that for you? To get the focus a bit off the feeling stuck and waiting and bad..?

Thank you. I'm glad you managed to find some enjoyment, however fleeting. There's nothing I enjoy now, will try to find things to distract myself though

 

[2messdup]

Thank you @opheliaoveragain


Thank you. I'm glad you managed to find some enjoyment, however fleeting. There's nothing I enjoy now, will try to find things to distract myself though

You are amazing. Keep trying. We're all with you. <B

 

[lostintheloop]

Tried drafting email to the initial response service (they do initial triage for people calling in crisis and manage referrals /contacts for all services in the local mental health trust) but I cant send it . I'm scared they'll involve crisis team. But mostly worried I'll get the MHP in trouble . The reason she is ghosting everyone who contacts her about me is that she's being controlled after I told her too much. She'll have been threatened like me and warned people will die if she contacts me. So it's not fair to force her and put her in more danger. I'd feel too guilty if I get her into bother then her and other people could die.it's not fair on them and it's all my fault.
And feels pointless anyway as only really repeating what I told her and psychosis team, with a couple added bits so if no one can already help, what difference would it make

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I know you don't see or believe a way out besides ctb. But what if they could help you feel better if you were honest? If there's this tiny chance you could feel better and no one else gets controlled or hurt?

Why do you worry about a crisis team involvement? I don't mean this in a bad way, just honestly curious. If they haven't done anything so far, why would they deem it a crisis suddenly?

Would it be possible to be honest with a family member and get them to send the email for you?
It's not your responsibility to look out for the MHP. Look out for yourself first. I know you mean really well

 

[lostintheloop]

I

I know you don't see or believe a way out besides ctb. But what if they could help you feel better if you were honest? If there's this tiny chance you could feel better and no one else gets controlled or hurt?

Why do you worry about a crisis team involvement? I don't mean this in a bad way, just honestly curious. If they haven't done anything so far, why would they deem it a crisis suddenly?

Would it be possible to be honest with a family member and get them to send the email for you?
It's not your responsibility to look out for the MHP. Look out for yourself first. I know you mean really well

I've already been honest with professionals and gotten nowhere. They don't care because they know I'm an error that needs to be gone. I need to do the right thing.

It is my responsibility when i've put her in danger , ruining and risking her and her loved ones lives . I was warned yet told her too much. I definetely can't tell any family member or they'll die

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I


I've already been honest with professionals and gotten nowhere. They don't care because they know I'm an error that needs to be gone. I need to do the right thing.

It is my responsibility when i've put her in danger , ruining and risking her and her loved ones lives . I was warned yet told her too much. I definetely can't tell any family member or they'll die

You don't come across as an error to me
Anyone you 'don't particularly like' you can talk to?

 

[lostintheloop]

You don't come across as an error to me
Anyone you 'don't particularly like' you can talk to?

Haha i like your thinking but no one i can
I'm done trying to get help as it's down to me. Just waiting for the system to send me a sign/message of it being time

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Haha i like your thinking but no one i can
I'm done trying to get help as it's down to me. Just waiting for the system to send me a sign/message of it being time

Well if you want to chat or vent in the meantime, you know where to find us :)

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

Allways here for you to chat too!

 

[lostintheloop]

Thank you both @pulleditnearlyoff @UnrulyNightmare likewise here if you ever want to chat too x

 

[lostintheloop]

Sorry just venting . I don't expect response don't worry.

I'm getting more worried about losing control. I try to tell myself it's just intrusive thoughts but it feels like urges sometimes. And i get commands from the system which are hard to go against. I need to pluck up courage to end it soon as I'm terrified of what I'm capable of especially since they can take full control. I think I could do unforgivable things if I don't end it soon. So i must .

 

[lostintheloop]

SH in busy public place today, just hitting myself but felt ashamed. I was worried if I didn't i'd hurt others instead so I had to . Feel like i fucking losing it .

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I'm so sorry
You shouldn't have to resort to such means. No anti anxiety tacticts that accidently work for you in those moments? Feelings cold things, counting things you can smell, see hear etc. ?

Losing control, or fearing losing control is so difficult to handle I find cold brings me back to earth a bit. And touching things, weird as it sounds. Feeling textures beneath my fingers.