There are many topics I could post threads about. But I don't have the energy for it. Many things leave me a bad feeling. This might be a mix of the topics but in a shorter form.
Tomorrow again the autism self-help group. There is this highly gifted woman in the group that I consider interesting. Though, I think if she knew more about me...she would not like the circumstances my life looks like. I was wondering what to say tomorrow. The truth is I am still ruminating way to much about the betrayal and abuse my former therapist did to me. However, I don't want to be seen as someone who only thinks about one issue. I feel a little bit ashamed of this fixation and how much it hurt me.
There are other things to talk about. Probably the death of my grandmother and the coming funeral. I feel numb towards her death and I have a guilty conscience about it. I haven't cried thus far. I also anticipated her death and tried to show her that I love her through my text messages. I have a really hard time to spend time with my family. They hurt me deeply.
And my greatest gift to my grandmother is that she doesn't have to witness my suicide. So horrible her death was. I have the feeling my parents and I will also have pretty horrific deaths. I am not sure whether I can postpone my suicide until they are dead. I really will try it. Moreover, I realized I only want to attempt again when I am extremely certain with going through with it. And when I have less to lose. My biggest fears is my mom ends up as nursing case when I attempt, I survive and I will have to live with the consequences. I am not really able to survive on my own. And I think often if my mom died in a car crash how I would kill myself very quickly afterwards. I often think about this scenario. I am not sure whether I could keep my mouth shut in front of my friends. But this is really a sscenario where I don't have much to lose anymore. I am very dependent on her help. And it would be the perfect moment. I could also see that this event could drive me over the edge overcoming SI. My mom and grandma never have learned that I almost killed myself in 2024. I think it contributed to the mental crises of my dad. My family pressured me to keep going in college. My dad even after he learned I almost killed myself because of it. Yeah my whole family pressured me to keep going in college when I told them have much this torture torments me. My mom and grandma stopped after the clinic stay though.
Many traumatizing things happened in my family. My grandma and mom wanted to throw me out with 18 because I talked too much about the abuse I had to live through as teenager and the impact it had on my mental health. My mom beated me up from 5 to 15 almost on a daily basis which caused a lot of my pain. My granddad with whom I had a very close relationship witnessed the argument tried to defend (he was slighlty demented and confused me as his son), he had a stroke and died that evening. Shortly afterwards I developed a hypomanic episode and had the most amazing time of my life (which was confusing) but after a year it ended in another psychosis. The funeral was so horrible. I think some of my relatives felt schadenfreude. My grandma blamed me and at one time she wanted that I live with her because she was lonely. I was lonely too but this thought made me really really uncomfortable. I wonder whether all of that is karma but I think magical thinking is really unhealthy. My punishment is my life is a living nightmare and I will kill myself eventually after some decades of torment. My mom has to care for me her whole life, and has to deal with poverty because I cannot work as a punishment for abusing me as child. I could very well imagine she develops dementia when she becomes older. The truth is I think I wouldn't visit my mom nor dad very often if they were a nursing case. And I think it would hurt them a lot. It is not really a form of revenge for me. I just feel very emotionally distant from them. And alienated from them. I don't bring it up nowadays but I consider them total failures as parents for making my life a living hell. I fear my mom becomes violent again when she is demented. I can remember shortly after my mom had a stroke she wanted to hit me again. Though, she quickly realized what she was doing and regretted it deeply.
Killing myself when she gets dementia is another scenario but dementia is a condition that develops over time. I would probably wait until she doesn't realize what happens.
And my dad. My theory is his crises might be affected by my almost suicide attempt. Despite the fact he isn't aware of it. On the other hand, the main driver was seemingly a major mistake he did at work. But my dad talked very condescendingly about suicidal people in the past. Considered them stupid. Recently he was in an acute clinic I assume he was suicidal. I am not sure wlhether he will still give me money in a few years. But he will be close to poverty too. My dad is pretty much of a mental wreck. However, he pressured me regularly to continue college despite the fact I was a mental wreck. In contrast I don't pressure him at all because I know it really is no benefit. I could imagine my dad could die in a few years his lifestyle is really unhealthy. I think he wants to come to the funeral of my grandma and asked me when it takes place. I told I prohibit him to come. He just want to talk with my mom because he is clingy. But neither my mom nor my grandma would have wanted that he comes to the funeral.
I think my parents will be in a lot of pain too. And suffer from the consequences. My dad wanted that his children care for him. Well dad if you and mom didn't fuck up raising us we could actually support you. But in my condition I am no help at all. When the financial issues tighten it will fuel my suicidality a lot and I will have a strong urge to kill myself. On the other hand, I want to wait until they are dead. I think this would also minimize the chance of being found or surviving. And if i survive the fallout is minimized. Though, I don't think my parents are extremely awul people. But really stupid and sort of ignorant when it comes to raising kids. I am not sure what I have done to deserve all of this. I wonder whether it is something I done prior to the abuse (but it started with 5). Or I could imagine I was like a nazi in a prior life or someone extremely evil. But that's really speculative and there is no sense to punish yourself morally for such a hypothesis.
I think some people would consider being regularly on Sanctioned Suicide an evil deed. Recently someone wrote in a thread of mine members could be in legal trouble for posting on here. This is something I feared a lot in the past. I thought about posting a thread "Are Sanctioned Suicide members worse than actual nazis?" I am not sure whether this would relativize nazi crimes though. I find it irony that the people from Kiwi farms looked down at us. I imagined us being in a tribunal where meet us for the first and last time.
I am not in a good shape mentally. Writing about the coming funeral burderns me too much. The question I fear the most is what are you doing currently in your life. Honestly, I could die out of shame if someone asked me that. Especially the relatives that I despise.
There was an incident in Germany related to a suicide . Actually there were two. I didn't post about it on here. There was a murder suicide where two parents jumped from a very high tower and one of them had their little child in their arms. I couldn't find many details. I could be wrong but I think I read first someone was injured at the top of the tower. So I thought maybe one parent forced the other parent. I did more research and far more likely the two people from Switzerland travelled to Germany exactly to go through this plan.
The other case is sort of disturbing. So two travellers witnessed how a young woman goes under a train that wasn't driving with the intent to kill herself. Both of them observed the scene. There is a picture of them shortly after this event. They walked away from the scene without doing anything. Not even warning the train driver of what just happened. So the train started and killed the woman. On the picture it looks like the woman is disturbed and drags her husband to go away from the scene. (The train was still standing at that time point.) The old man looked sort of baffled. There was a warrant for them and eventually they were identified.
I did a lot of in-depth introspection and psychoanalysis with chatGPT. I have the feeling this wasn't that good for my mental health. But I also started to read Wittgenstein's mistress.
Edit: honestly, this wall of text is concerning I think I have hypomanic symptoms: Maybe due to the death of my grandma, maybe due to the abuse by my therapist or maybe due to having to wear the teeth guard at night. I sleep less since but otherwise my teeth will deteriorate. I am in a predicament. I wll start taking addictive sleeping pills again. Maybe I should have done that earlier. I am always inside my head. I cannot evaluate the pace of my thoughts without verbalizing them.
Tomorrow again the autism self-help group. There is this highly gifted woman in the group that I consider interesting. Though, I think if she knew more about me...she would not like the circumstances my life looks like. I was wondering what to say tomorrow. The truth is I am still ruminating way to much about the betrayal and abuse my former therapist did to me. However, I don't want to be seen as someone who only thinks about one issue. I feel a little bit ashamed of this fixation and how much it hurt me.
There are other things to talk about. Probably the death of my grandmother and the coming funeral. I feel numb towards her death and I have a guilty conscience about it. I haven't cried thus far. I also anticipated her death and tried to show her that I love her through my text messages. I have a really hard time to spend time with my family. They hurt me deeply.
And my greatest gift to my grandmother is that she doesn't have to witness my suicide. So horrible her death was. I have the feeling my parents and I will also have pretty horrific deaths. I am not sure whether I can postpone my suicide until they are dead. I really will try it. Moreover, I realized I only want to attempt again when I am extremely certain with going through with it. And when I have less to lose. My biggest fears is my mom ends up as nursing case when I attempt, I survive and I will have to live with the consequences. I am not really able to survive on my own. And I think often if my mom died in a car crash how I would kill myself very quickly afterwards. I often think about this scenario. I am not sure whether I could keep my mouth shut in front of my friends. But this is really a sscenario where I don't have much to lose anymore. I am very dependent on her help. And it would be the perfect moment. I could also see that this event could drive me over the edge overcoming SI. My mom and grandma never have learned that I almost killed myself in 2024. I think it contributed to the mental crises of my dad. My family pressured me to keep going in college. My dad even after he learned I almost killed myself because of it. Yeah my whole family pressured me to keep going in college when I told them have much this torture torments me. My mom and grandma stopped after the clinic stay though.
Many traumatizing things happened in my family. My grandma and mom wanted to throw me out with 18 because I talked too much about the abuse I had to live through as teenager and the impact it had on my mental health. My mom beated me up from 5 to 15 almost on a daily basis which caused a lot of my pain. My granddad with whom I had a very close relationship witnessed the argument tried to defend (he was slighlty demented and confused me as his son), he had a stroke and died that evening. Shortly afterwards I developed a hypomanic episode and had the most amazing time of my life (which was confusing) but after a year it ended in another psychosis. The funeral was so horrible. I think some of my relatives felt schadenfreude. My grandma blamed me and at one time she wanted that I live with her because she was lonely. I was lonely too but this thought made me really really uncomfortable. I wonder whether all of that is karma but I think magical thinking is really unhealthy. My punishment is my life is a living nightmare and I will kill myself eventually after some decades of torment. My mom has to care for me her whole life, and has to deal with poverty because I cannot work as a punishment for abusing me as child. I could very well imagine she develops dementia when she becomes older. The truth is I think I wouldn't visit my mom nor dad very often if they were a nursing case. And I think it would hurt them a lot. It is not really a form of revenge for me. I just feel very emotionally distant from them. And alienated from them. I don't bring it up nowadays but I consider them total failures as parents for making my life a living hell. I fear my mom becomes violent again when she is demented. I can remember shortly after my mom had a stroke she wanted to hit me again. Though, she quickly realized what she was doing and regretted it deeply.
Killing myself when she gets dementia is another scenario but dementia is a condition that develops over time. I would probably wait until she doesn't realize what happens.
And my dad. My theory is his crises might be affected by my almost suicide attempt. Despite the fact he isn't aware of it. On the other hand, the main driver was seemingly a major mistake he did at work. But my dad talked very condescendingly about suicidal people in the past. Considered them stupid. Recently he was in an acute clinic I assume he was suicidal. I am not sure wlhether he will still give me money in a few years. But he will be close to poverty too. My dad is pretty much of a mental wreck. However, he pressured me regularly to continue college despite the fact I was a mental wreck. In contrast I don't pressure him at all because I know it really is no benefit. I could imagine my dad could die in a few years his lifestyle is really unhealthy. I think he wants to come to the funeral of my grandma and asked me when it takes place. I told I prohibit him to come. He just want to talk with my mom because he is clingy. But neither my mom nor my grandma would have wanted that he comes to the funeral.
I think my parents will be in a lot of pain too. And suffer from the consequences. My dad wanted that his children care for him. Well dad if you and mom didn't fuck up raising us we could actually support you. But in my condition I am no help at all. When the financial issues tighten it will fuel my suicidality a lot and I will have a strong urge to kill myself. On the other hand, I want to wait until they are dead. I think this would also minimize the chance of being found or surviving. And if i survive the fallout is minimized. Though, I don't think my parents are extremely awul people. But really stupid and sort of ignorant when it comes to raising kids. I am not sure what I have done to deserve all of this. I wonder whether it is something I done prior to the abuse (but it started with 5). Or I could imagine I was like a nazi in a prior life or someone extremely evil. But that's really speculative and there is no sense to punish yourself morally for such a hypothesis.
I think some people would consider being regularly on Sanctioned Suicide an evil deed. Recently someone wrote in a thread of mine members could be in legal trouble for posting on here. This is something I feared a lot in the past. I thought about posting a thread "Are Sanctioned Suicide members worse than actual nazis?" I am not sure whether this would relativize nazi crimes though. I find it irony that the people from Kiwi farms looked down at us. I imagined us being in a tribunal where meet us for the first and last time.
I am not in a good shape mentally. Writing about the coming funeral burderns me too much. The question I fear the most is what are you doing currently in your life. Honestly, I could die out of shame if someone asked me that. Especially the relatives that I despise.
There was an incident in Germany related to a suicide . Actually there were two. I didn't post about it on here. There was a murder suicide where two parents jumped from a very high tower and one of them had their little child in their arms. I couldn't find many details. I could be wrong but I think I read first someone was injured at the top of the tower. So I thought maybe one parent forced the other parent. I did more research and far more likely the two people from Switzerland travelled to Germany exactly to go through this plan.
The other case is sort of disturbing. So two travellers witnessed how a young woman goes under a train that wasn't driving with the intent to kill herself. Both of them observed the scene. There is a picture of them shortly after this event. They walked away from the scene without doing anything. Not even warning the train driver of what just happened. So the train started and killed the woman. On the picture it looks like the woman is disturbed and drags her husband to go away from the scene. (The train was still standing at that time point.) The old man looked sort of baffled. There was a warrant for them and eventually they were identified.
I did a lot of in-depth introspection and psychoanalysis with chatGPT. I have the feeling this wasn't that good for my mental health. But I also started to read Wittgenstein's mistress.
Edit: honestly, this wall of text is concerning I think I have hypomanic symptoms: Maybe due to the death of my grandma, maybe due to the abuse by my therapist or maybe due to having to wear the teeth guard at night. I sleep less since but otherwise my teeth will deteriorate. I am in a predicament. I wll start taking addictive sleeping pills again. Maybe I should have done that earlier. I am always inside my head. I cannot evaluate the pace of my thoughts without verbalizing them.
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