I am so extremely tired and exhausted. College is stressing me extremely. I am really scared of getting ill/manic. I want to study also on Friday usually my free day. But I am also really scared. It is really terrifying how fucked I feel this evening. I also become very slow when I learn. Maybe I overstrained it. I am in a dilemma. My OCD forces me to go on. But it feels very unhealthy. The only thing that prevents me of getting manic is my addictive medication. I had an appointment with my psychologist. When I started taking the addictive medication he was pretty much against it. But seemingly it is the only thing that prevents mania in my case. After the stressful time in college I will stop taking them. Last time it worked. I had absolutely no addiction after the stressful period.
I am really ambivalent what I shall do. What is the smartest choice? I just have way too much OCD to take a break now. I will probably take more addictive medication. My therapist said yeah it is in your responsibility. I think he wanted to be free of accountability if it fails. Lol. I am the one who has to live with it if I fuck it up.
I am still only taking the lowest dosage of my addictive medication. It helps me to relax at night which is a necessity in order not to get manic.
I think it is likely I will pass the exams. But I am very compulsive. It is so dangerous if I get a new manic episode I will have to kill myself soon. I think most people cannot really grasp why I don't just take a break. It is has to do a lot with my child abuse.
Not sure what I could do to get more energy. I take a bath more often to relax. When I was younger (and manic without knowing it) I always studied like 10-12 houras per day. Often without breaks. And now I am on the edge of collapsing when I study 5 hours a day with some breaks. It is a huge difference when you can ignore your mental health and just can keep going.
I am really so slow. It is really weird. I am extremely anxious about failing an exam. I feel mentally so fucked. I think even if I would give me a break on this Friday it won't be enough to charge my batteries. Maybe I have made some strategical mistakes some weeks ago. But honestly if you are a mental wreck just like me it is extremely difficult to manage going to college. Due to my abuse performance pressure is triggering me extremely. Yeah let's pray addictive medication will protect me. And that I can quit it after the exams. I have no better option.
I am really ambivalent what I shall do. What is the smartest choice? I just have way too much OCD to take a break now. I will probably take more addictive medication. My therapist said yeah it is in your responsibility. I think he wanted to be free of accountability if it fails. Lol. I am the one who has to live with it if I fuck it up.
I am still only taking the lowest dosage of my addictive medication. It helps me to relax at night which is a necessity in order not to get manic.
I think it is likely I will pass the exams. But I am very compulsive. It is so dangerous if I get a new manic episode I will have to kill myself soon. I think most people cannot really grasp why I don't just take a break. It is has to do a lot with my child abuse.
Not sure what I could do to get more energy. I take a bath more often to relax. When I was younger (and manic without knowing it) I always studied like 10-12 houras per day. Often without breaks. And now I am on the edge of collapsing when I study 5 hours a day with some breaks. It is a huge difference when you can ignore your mental health and just can keep going.
I am really so slow. It is really weird. I am extremely anxious about failing an exam. I feel mentally so fucked. I think even if I would give me a break on this Friday it won't be enough to charge my batteries. Maybe I have made some strategical mistakes some weeks ago. But honestly if you are a mental wreck just like me it is extremely difficult to manage going to college. Due to my abuse performance pressure is triggering me extremely. Yeah let's pray addictive medication will protect me. And that I can quit it after the exams. I have no better option.
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