I always end up coming back..

[Acopia]

Friends old and new,

It's been a very up & down 18 months since I first joined SS - both the forum and myself have changed a great deal. The lows & highs have been extreme and my life has been one heck of a journey. From the low lows where I've been very active on this forum, the the high highs when I've recovered and not looked at it for months.

But I always end up coming back.

Don't get me wrong, I've always known I'll die by suicide, my method varies (as does my level of intensity). Even when I'm on the recovery road I know suicidal thoughts will rear their head - I don't know why - I suppose as fantastic as I outwardly appear, as well as I'm doing, I always feel like I'm not good enough & I know that as some point I'll get found out. Something will happen that will bring me crashing down, usually that's at the hands of other people; when it happens though, the cruelty of others is insignificant and I always blame myself.

Urgh, so right now I'm doing reasonably well so it appears, Yeah I'm alright; yet suicide is not far from my mind.

Alas, I find myself back once again.

With all my love,
-Acopia

 

[FuneralCry]

I have also always known that I will die by suicide, I cannot imagine myself dying from anything else. I am sorry that you are suffering. I wish you the best in whatever happens.