I accidentally spoke up about suicide

[dhjsjdjdjdjhc]

I accidentally told my dad that i might actually kill myself, he pulled my hair and told me to never say that to him ever again. We didn't speak about it further. I've been losing a lot of weight, my ribs are showing. I'm tired. He gave me fruit and melted chocolate, i think he's trying to apologize in his own way. But this always happens, i cry for hours and then he comes in and hugs me and leaves

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It does sound like your dad's trying to show he cares, but honestly he should just talk to you if he's concerned. Fruits and chocolate give you joy for a bit, but they don't resolve anything. I hope you're feeling a bit better now.

 

[dhjsjdjdjdjhc]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It does sound like your dad's trying to show he cares, but honestly he should just talk to you if he's concerned. Fruits and chocolate give you joy for a bit, but they don't resolve anything. I hope you're feeling a bit better now.

He's a weird guy. He thinks he's above everyone so he acts in ways with "secret meaning", i can never quite tell what he's actually thinking. He's been better since he started using medication but he was pretty abusive throughout my childhood, that's what i meant by the last part. I know that he's trying to do things in his own way but after i attempted suicide at the age of 12 he calmly told me that i made my mom worried and that I'd be a total fool if i did it again, that this was a learning experience for me and nothing else. No "are you okay?", i didn't hear it once. He just hung up on me afterward and didn't call to check in. He said that it was because he was trying to scare me into stopping but it made me want to die more. I know that he'll definitely not cry more than maybe once if i die, in fact he himself has told me that he doesn't know if he'd cry if i died. I don't know, i know he's good now but i can't forget anything. Is it bad to not be able to forget things? My dad says that the afterlife is all that matters and that anything relating to the earth isn't as big or as serious as we think it is. That lions eat gazelles alive and god let's them. I can't tell what's right and what's wrong anymore. Sorry to load all this on you, i don't have anyone else i can talk to.

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

It's fine, don't feel bad about trying to talk to anyone.
It's not bad to be unable to forget things. I can relate to you a bit, my dad was never abusive to me, but he did act similar to yours when I attempted when I was younger. There was a lot of yelling, no checking in on me that I was okay or anything. Now he's calmed down a bit, and tries to get me to talk to him occasionally, but I just can't do it. I think our minds just cling on to past experiences that teach us to be wary of the people around us. It's good to hear that your dad's improved quite a bit since then, though.
I'm at the same spot as you in the right/wrong debate right now too, so I can't comment on that too much.
I'm sorry I that I can't say more.

 

[Alpenglow]

I don't think parents are usually in a position to help, most people aren't. Parents that do mean well typically don't know how to help and even if they did it requires to put aside something very emotional. Which is why I presume parents lash out in anger, they're too caught up in their own emotions and maybe too misguided to see the actual issue.

Just because your father may mean well doesn't mean you have to be receptive. If someone makes you uncomfortable and refuses to change, you are under no obligation to accept their interactions, much less think positively of them.

It is not your job to make him better at helping you. If he shows initiative (which doesnt really seem to be the case but maybe for him it is), you are under no obligation to talk to him and help him help you better, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. He can only proceed with your permission and will. At least that's how I think of it.

Regardless, I'm sorry to hear this happened to you and hope you'll feel better ^^ I'm sure there are people on sasu that'd love to talk with you if it made you feel better.

 

[JustHere1]

I don't think parents are usually in a position to help, most people aren't. Parents that do mean well typically don't know how to help and even if they did it requires to put aside something very emotional. Which is why I presume parents lash out in anger, they're too caught up in their own emotions and maybe too misguided to see the actual issue.

Just because your father may mean well doesn't mean you have to be receptive. If someone makes you uncomfortable and refuses to change, you are under no obligation to accept their interactions, much less think positively of them.

It is not your job to make him better at helping you. If he shows initiative (which doesnt really seem to be the case but maybe for him it is), you are under no obligation to talk to him and help him help you better, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. He can only proceed with your permission and will. At least that's how I think of it.

Regardless, I'm sorry to hear this happened to you and hope you'll feel better ^^ I'm sure there are people on sasu that'd love to talk with you if it made you feel better.

Well said. This advice can be utilized towards friendships and non-familial relationships as well - it's hard enough dealing with these issues on their own, but when other people don't hear you or disrespect your boundaries and privacy it makes things even worse.

I hope you find people who support you - this forum has a lot of likeminded folks who are very genuine and empathetic. :)

 

[chandxoxo]

He's a weird guy. He thinks he's above everyone so he acts in ways with "secret meaning", i can never quite tell what he's actually thinking. He's been better since he started using medication but he was pretty abusive throughout my childhood, that's what i meant by the last part. I know that he's trying to do things in his own way but after i attempted suicide at the age of 12 he calmly told me that i made my mom worried and that I'd be a total fool if i did it again, that this was a learning experience for me and nothing else. No "are you okay?", i didn't hear it once. He just hung up on me afterward and didn't call to check in. He said that it was because he was trying to scare me into stopping but it made me want to die more. I know that he'll definitely not cry more than maybe once if i die, in fact he himself has told me that he doesn't know if he'd cry if i died. I don't know, i know he's good now but i can't forget anything. Is it bad to not be able to forget things? My dad says that the afterlife is all that matters and that anything relating to the earth isn't as big or as serious as we think it is. That lions eat gazelles alive and god let's them. I can't tell what's right and what's wrong anymore. Sorry to load all this on you, i don't have anyone else i can talk to.

i can't thank you enough for sharing this. it actually made me tear up for how similar our stories are .... everything from dad being weird to previously failed attempt at 12 and the no "are you okay" part.
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trauma dump ( feel free to skip it not interested ig )
my dad was abusive since childhood physically and mentally. he took dowry, abused and cheated on my mom. he kicked me out of the house once, beat me with stick, slipper, hanger, comb... anything really. once my school wanted to call my father since I accidentally cursed in class once and I got a severe panic attack to the point and that's when I came back home and od on thyroxine obv didn't work but yea. he told me I had to right to cause everyone inconvenience like that. my mom ran away after he hit her and took me with her. i thought life would get better I'd support her but she outed my personal diary, photos and spread false rumours about me failing my grades, sneaking with guys and being a whore ( all wrong never did anything physical with any guy never got below an A grade. Then she started sexting with other guys on fb. moreover I begged her to the let me stay with her and she sent be back to my dad in high school. now I'm in university and she wants me to fix their marriage. all while my dad refuses to let me be with my mom. I've to pay back loans he takes in my name after he retired way early than he should've so my mom can't divorce him and ask for alimony.
anyways I'll ctb this year by may probably and... yeah I want this to end desperately. i can't take this anymore... even if I end up getting a job after graduation what's the point? I'll be drowning in debt and my parents would be leeching on me like parasites as soon as I earn a dime. never in my life I got to be daddy's princess or spoiled for once. neither I got any freedom. my life was always been school to home, home to school and now it's hostel to college, college to hostel. there's no point.
all I want is to perfect by ctb by sn method and I'll be eternally happy