How to stop missing someone

[TheHatedOne]

Please help me im ansolutely obsessed at this point and its not okay. I need to stop missing him. I sent a message to him again tofay but what was my stupid self even thinking? Nothing will happen anymore so why do I keep inssisting? I think I fell in love with him at 1 point in time and I feel it would have been the best if we still kept contact today and still be good friends he understood me the best I swear, I don't know what happened. But since it is how it is I need to forget him but it's almost impossible, I'll never encounter someone like him ever again. I regret the day I was an asshole to him.

 

[Apricity]

If you only messed up once you still have a chance. Don't keep making mistakes like I did. I lost my wife forever, and I lost my will to live because of it. I hurt my back last year and neglected her, and she found comfort in another man. She gave us a chance again in July, but I messed it up being my negative self, and now she's gone for good. If you get another chance don't mess it up.

 

[TheHatedOne]

If you only messed up once you still have a chance. Don't keep making mistakes like I did. I lost my wife forever, and I lost my will to live because of it. I hurt my back last year and neglected her, and she found comfort in another man. She gave us a chance again in July, but I messed it up being my negative self, and now she's gone for good. If you get another chance don't mess it up.

I wish I could get another chance but it doesn't seem possible for me. I'm sorry for what you're going through, it really hurts to lose someone you love so much. Sending hugs.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

I believe it's a matter of acceptance, and moving on. I know I've made shitty decisions, and I was the sole person that fucked up my relationship. So I've accepted the fact that I can never be with that person again. I'm so depressed, suicidal, and angry at myself, that my mind doesn't leave me room to miss her

 

[deflationary]

I think the only way is to find someone new. On its face it seems unlikely that he's the only possible person out there for you. But then again, I feel exactly like that about my own situation, so I can't really say you're wrong either.

 

[odradek]

If the relationship truly cannot be salvaged my best advice would be to delete them from all your social media or where ever. I've had a few situations like this in my past and the only thing that's ever worked is making a clean break. It sound crazy in the moment but it get's easier with time. It never really goes away permanently, unless you do find someone else that special. It's not impossible. I don't want to waste your time with useless platitudes or toxic positivity, that being said, there are a lot of humans on the planet, it's statistically unlikely they're all trash.

 

[Forgotten]

I'm in a similar situation and I simply can't stop thinking about her, I really believe she was the one and I'm sure I will never find someone like her again, so my advice is probably worthless. But the only thing that helps is accepting that it's over and making no contact whatsoever, whenever I talk to her or see a picture of her, the feelings all come flowing back. Letting go is the only way, as impossible as that may sound.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I think the only way is to find someone new. On its face it seems unlikely that he's the only possible person out there for you. But then again, I feel exactly like that about my own situation, so I can't really say you're wrong either.

no one can replace what he was and how he's been with me. it's heartbreaking.

 

[DarkNearDeath]

if ppl die and ppl move on, anything is replaceable including him

 

[TheHatedOne]

if ppl die and ppl move on, anything is replaceable including him

i don't know, it's a wonder that I even came across such a person.

 

[motel rooms]

if ppl die and ppl move on, anything is replaceable including him

Being a robot must be so cool

 

[Flippy]

The only way I know to stop missing someone is to fill up the space they left with as much stuff you enjoy as possible. Easily said than done, I know :-(

You are essentially grieving right now, so it's difficult to do at first and things will likely seem hollow and empty. But maybe start small. Maybe start a new video game if that's your thing and try to make a deal with yourself that for an hour, half an hour or even just 10 minutes at a time you will absolutely try to become absorbed in it.

It will take time before it becomes second nature. But the more you try you will make it a habit. Hopefully over time your heart and mind will come to crave this new activity. I've heard it said that it takes 21 days of practice to become good at something. So perhaps if you try you are only 21 days from lessening how much you miss him.

Try to find as many things as possible that you would like to do but you abstained because maybe when you were in the relationship there wasn't room. Hopefully once you've found so many things to keep you occupied and hopefully feeling fulfilled you will think less and less about him.

It's unlikely you will have completely stopped missing him but hopefully the emotional significance will be dulled and will continue to diminish with each passing minute. It just takes time, and passing time is the hardest part. So finding a way to pass the time in my experience is the best thing to do.

When I've been in similar situations, that's how I've found a way out and when I've been feeling down, listening to this video has often made me feel better :-) It's pretty funny! :-)

 

[TheHatedOne]

The only way I know to stop missing someone is to fill up the space they left with as much stuff you enjoy as possible. Easily said than done, I know :-(

You are essentially grieving right now, so it's difficult to do at first and things will likely seem hollow and empty. But maybe start small. Maybe start a new video game if that's your thing and try to make a deal with yourself that for an hour, half an hour or even just 10 minutes at a time you will absolutely try to become absorbed in it.

It will take time before it becomes second nature. But the more you try you will make it a habit. Hopefully over time your heart and mind will come to crave this new activity. I've heard it said that it takes 21 days of practice to become good at something. So perhaps if you try you are only 21 days from lessening how much you miss him.

Try to find as many things as possible that you would like to do but you abstained because maybe when you were in the relationship there wasn't room. Hopefully once you've found so many things to keep you occupied and hopefully feeling fulfilled you will think less and less about him.

It's unlikely you will have completely stopped missing him but hopefully the emotional significance will be dulled and will continue to diminish with each passing minute. It just takes time, and passing time is the hardest part. So finding a way to pass the time in my experience is the best thing to do.

When I've been in similar situations, that's how I've found a way out and when I've been feeling down, listening to this video has often made me feel better :-) It's pretty funny! :-)

Things that I enjoy don t really help me at all. I know that hobbies help many people forget their pain but not me.

 

[Flippy]

Things that I enjoy don t really help me at all. I know that hobbies help many people forget their pain but not me.

I totally get that. I struggle to find value in a lot of things I used to find liberating. But after my last major depressive episode and some very bad meds, I've not regained my enthusiasm and it's a struggle.

But if I persevere, I can occasionally enjoy something like I used to. It's taking a long time but things have improved. So all I can say is don't put too much distance between you and the things that can potentially bring you some happiness. Try and hold on to them. One day you might just find that they provide just the distraction that you need.

I wish you the best and I hope with time you won't miss him so much and at worst he will just be a fond memory. :-)

 

[Brayu]

I'm going through a similar situation... But actually my ex-girlfriend died, we never stopped being friends and what stopped us was the family (my and hers)... I always asked (until she died) for forgiveness for having been like that...

But aside from your case, I think that if there is any chance of reconciliation, think carefully about it and remember that if it is not possible now, one day it will be and when it is, don't let the opportunity pass.

I'm not talking about going back, but if I can at least re-establish some friendship or respect... we don't know what tomorrow is (life is really bad, but it's also fragile). If you do at least your part, everything will be easier, his he will observe later...

 

[deflationary]

if ppl die and ppl move on, anything is replaceable including him

"People" is a very wide term. Perhaps most people can move on from most people leaving/dying. But it hardly applies to everyone. If you're already suicidal and the person was a big part of what made life tolerable for you, moving on becomes a lot more difficult. There's no guarantee of happening upon another person that you could connect with in the same way. And there's also no guarantee of your even retaining the capacity to connect with people to the same extent, even if they were the sort of person you could have connected with beforehand. Since you're a new person now, with new trauma and baggage.

 

[motel rooms]

Perhaps most people can move on from most people leaving/dying. But it hardly applies to everyone. If you're already suicidal and the person was a big part of what made life tolerable for you, moving on becomes a lot more difficult. There's no guarantee of happening upon another person that you could connect with in the same way. And there's also no guarantee of your even retaining the capacity to connect with people to the same extent, even if they were the sort of person you could have connected with beforehand. Since you're a new person now, with new trauma and baggage.

Most importantly, when people lose a partner & meet someone new, they don't replace the person they lost. Human beings aren't friggin' coffee filters

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not have any answers. Even know I have not lost anybody close to me or been with anyone in the first place, I am the type of person who finds it difficult to move on from the past and let things go. There is no way to erase memories, they can last a lifetime. Losing what we once had can be painful. I wish you the best.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

Please help me im ansolutely obsessed at this point and its not okay. I need to stop missing him. I sent a message to him again tofay but what was my stupid self even thinking? Nothing will happen anymore so why do I keep inssisting? I think I fell in love with him at 1 point in time and I feel it would have been the best if we still kept contact today and still be good friends he understood me the best I swear, I don't know what happened. But since it is how it is I need to forget him but it's almost impossible, I'll never encounter someone like him ever again. I regret the day I was an asshole to him.

You've said you don't know what happened but then confessed you were an asshole to him. Were you an asshole unprovoked or was it pent up frustration that you're being too hard on yourself for?

In any event, you need to pull back from this and re-assess. I say this for several reasons.

1) Being obsessed with ANYBODY is a sign that something isn't quite right. What gap do you believe this person needs to fill and can you work on filling it yourself instead?
2) It sounds as though you're a pursuer in the pursuer/distancer dynamic. Pursuing never works and I'm not saying distancing does but one at least offers a veneer of self respect.
3) Did he actually understand you or are you seeing this through rose-tinted glasses?
4) If he is the type to just ghost you in lieu of communicating healthily, it's probably best that you don't meet anyone like him again.

It's hard as hell, I get it, but you need to re-assess the situation and how you've responded to it if this type of thing isn't to happen again. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I don't mean it to, I've been there.

 

[deflationary]

Being obsessed with ANYBODY is a sign that something isn't quite right. What gap do you believe this person needs to fill and can you work on filling it yourself instead?

I think this is wrong. Being obsessed with someone is the only thing that's ever made life worth living for me. What's worse about being obsessed with a person than being obsessed with anything else? Obsessions are what give life meaning.

 

[Kobusu]

Being obsessed is great for a relationship until one of you decides to break it off. I had the same thing. I'm planning to ctb as she is the only thing that's ever brought me anything other than suffering in life, so I know how you feel. I hear from lots of people that it goes away. That it gets better with time. I don't know the validity of this, so I can't say anything with certainty. I know I don't care if it does or doesn't, I can't wait for it to. I won't suffer like that. I'm sorry for the lack of advice, friend. I hope you find your peace no matter what you decide. My wound is a bit fresh so maybe I will too.


No matter what, don't ever allow yourself to stop loving others friend. People aren't as replaceable as some argue, and it's important we never forget that. The humanity of ourselves and others is how we found ourselves here in the first place, after all.

 

[TheHatedOne]

You've said you don't know what happened but then confessed you were an asshole to him. Were you an asshole unprovoked or was it pent up frustration that you're being too hard on yourself for?

In any event, you need to pull back from this and re-assess. I say this for several reasons.

1) Being obsessed with ANYBODY is a sign that something isn't quite right. What gap do you believe this person needs to fill and can you work on filling it yourself instead?
2) It sounds as though you're a pursuer in the pursuer/distancer dynamic. Pursuing never works and I'm not saying distancing does but one at least offers a veneer of self respect.
3) Did he actually understand you or are you seeing this through rose-tinted glasses?
4) If he is the type to just ghost you in lieu of communicating healthily, it's probably best that you don't meet anyone like him again.

It's hard as hell, I get it, but you need to re-assess the situation and how you've responded to it if this type of thing isn't to happen again. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I don't mean it to, I've been there.

It's actually really complicated, I did something not so nice and we broke off the friendship for some weeks but then we got in contact again but not for long, he was in a very bad place health wise. We talked 2 more times before he stopped responding out of a sudden.

1) I dont know if I'm obsessed in the true sense of the word but I think about him a lot and at moments back from our friendship and his personality.

3) Yes, he understood me and the way I was because of the trauma. He has been the most accepting regarding my paranoia and not only cause he knew these were results of awful stuff that happened in my life. He had it even worse than me tho.

4) that's the thing that doesn't make sense. He was a very honest and direct person and would tell things like how they are. Last ever message was a life advice and our last conversations were in a friendly tone so I have no clue what happened. That's why I say it doesn't make sense.

Don't worry, it doesn't sound harsh. It's rather logical and rational.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

I think this is wrong. Being obsessed with someone is the only thing that's ever made life worth living for me. What's worse about being obsessed with a person than being obsessed with anything else? Obsessions are what give life meaning.

Being obsessed with a person puts tremendous pressure on them. There is a world of difference between love and obsession. Love makes a person an important part of your world; obsession makes them the ENTIRE world. They'll get a sense that if they want to do something away from you, you'll fall apart and that is extremely unhealthy.

The fact you have said that obsession is the ONLY thing that has ever made life worth living is a huge red flag. You need to look inward and ask why you can't mentally nourish yourself.

I say this as a fellow ex-obsesser and an ex-obsessee. I get both sides of it and I'm trying to wean myself off the high of 'obsession' because during this phase, the 'love' isn't real and the crash to earth isn't worth believing it is.

It's actually really complicated, I did something not so nice and we broke off the friendship for some weeks but then we got in contact again but not for long, he was in a very bad place health wise. We talked 2 more times before he stopped responding out of a sudden.

1) I dont know if I'm obsessed in the true sense of the word but I think about him a lot and at moments back from our friendship and his personality.

3) Yes, he understood me and the way I was because of the trauma. He has been the most accepting regarding my paranoia and not only cause he knew these were results of awful stuff that happened in my life. He had it even worse than me tho.

4) that's the thing that doesn't make sense. He was a very honest and direct person and would tell things like how they are. Last ever message was a life advice and our last conversations were in a friendly tone so I have no clue what happened. That's why I say it doesn't make sense.

Don't worry, it doesn't sound harsh. It's rather logical and rational.

It could be that he has recognised something unhealthy about the dynamic and has chosen to pull back, especially if his health is waning.

1) It could be that you do just think of him a lot. I think that's an important distinction.

4) As I said, he might be feeling overwhelmed or ambivalent and he's choosing his health for the time being.

I'd say hold off for a bit. If he wants to come back, he will and you'll have had time to assess your own position more objectively.

 

[TheHatedOne]

Being obsessed with a person puts tremendous pressure on them. There is a world of difference between love and obsession. Love makes a person an important part of your world; obsession makes them the ENTIRE world. They'll get a sense that if they want to do something away from you, you'll fall apart and that is extremely unhealthy.

The fact you have said that obsession is the ONLY thing that has ever made life worth living is a huge red flag. You need to look inward and ask why you can't mentally nourish yourself.

I say this as a fellow ex-obsesser and an ex-obsessee. I get both sides of it and I'm trying to wean myself off the high of 'obsession' because during this phase, the 'love' isn't real and the crash to earth isn't worth believing it is.



It could be that he has recognised something unhealthy about the dynamic and has chosen to pull back, especially if his health is waning.

1) It could be that you do just think of him a lot. I think that's an important distinction.

4) As I said, he might be feeling overwhelmed or ambivalent and he's choosing his health for the time being.

I'd say hold off for a bit. If he wants to come back, he will and you'll have had time to assess your own position more objectively.

Hmm, this actually explains everything even some strange aspects i didn't mention so far. Thank you.

I hope I'll talk again with him one day. Until then I have to deal with these feelings, misery.

 

[deflationary]

Being obsessed with a person puts tremendous pressure on them. There is a world of difference between love and obsession. Love makes a person an important part of your world; obsession makes them the ENTIRE world. They'll get a sense that if they want to do something away from you, you'll fall apart and that is extremely unhealthy.

I guess there's degrees of obsession. I didn't mean it in quite as pathological sense as falling apart at being separated for a moment. I wouldn't draw such a sharp distinction between my definitions of obsession and love either though. If there's no sense of obsession then it's probably a pretty trivial sort of love. Why even bother with it at that point.

The fact you have said that obsession is the ONLY thing that has ever made life worth living is a huge red flag. You need to look inward and ask why you can't mentally nourish yourself.

Red flag of what? Not liking life? There's plenty of people here for whom there's never been anything that's made life worth living for them. I know why I can't mentally nourish myself. There's no mystery. Life is pretty much objectively a huge steaming pile of shit, so you've gotta grab on to any meaning you can find. It's in short supply. Not everyone has an option of finding enjoyment in a healthy, stable, passionless life. Some people need to find something they can be unhealthy about to make life tolerable.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

I guess there's degrees of obsession. I didn't mean it in quite as pathological sense as falling apart at being separated for a moment. I wouldn't draw such a sharp distinction between my definitions of obsession and love either though. If there's no sense of obsession then it's probably a pretty trivial sort of love. Why even bother with it at that point.

I think obsession is meant to be a superlative. Maybe you're just referring to passionate love that you prioritise above most things, which there's nothing wrong with.

Red flag of what? Not liking life? There's plenty of people here for whom there's never been anything that's made life worth living for them. I know why I can't mentally nourish myself. There's no mystery. Life is pretty much objectively a huge steaming pile of shit, so you've gotta grab on to any meaning you can find. It's in short supply. Not everyone has an option of finding enjoyment in a healthy, stable, passionless life. Some people need to find something they can be unhealthy about to make life tolerable.

I identify strongly with this but I've identified obsession to be fool's gold so I need something with a more solid basis and less peaks and troughs. From what I can see, the strongest and most sustainable meaning comes from within.

The fact you've put "healthy, stable" opposite "passionless" leads me to believe that you have an incorrect view of healthy and stable. It's perfectly possible to have healthy passion, it's the obsession part that makes it sour. There is no long term joy in being the only pursuer or being in each others' pockets.

 

[noname223]

I am not sure how old you are? You seem pretty young. But there are potential partners out there. I have read some people on this forum who wanted to ctb due to a broken relationship. Being too obsessed about soemone else is not good.

 

[deflationary]

I think obsession is meant to be a superlative. Maybe you're just referring to passionate love that you prioritise above most things, which there's nothing wrong with.



I identify strongly with this but I've identified obsession to be fool's gold so I need something with a more solid basis and less peaks and troughs. From what I can see, the strongest and most sustainable meaning comes from within.

The fact you've put "healthy, stable" opposite "passionless" leads me to believe that you have an incorrect view of healthy and stable. It's perfectly possible to have healthy passion, it's the obsession part that makes it sour. There is no long term joy in being the only pursuer or being in each others' pockets.

I guess you're right and we're mostly just using the word obsession differently. I just don't necessarily attach the same sort of negative connotation to the word as you seem to. I do think that healthy and stable more often than not go along with passionless though. Or just with some utterly sick and deranged sense of contentment with life as a whole.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

I guess you're right and we're mostly just using the word obsession differently. I just don't necessarily attach the same sort of negative connotation to the word as you seem to. I do think that healthy and stable more often than not go along with passionless though. Or just with some utterly sick and deranged sense of contentment with life as a whole.

I think obsession is inherently negative because you're putting all of your eggs in one basket. That means your world can be wiped out in one move and you've invested nothing in yourself.

I admit I've also viewed healthy and stable as passionless and it's easy to see it that way when you look at all the perfect, 'healthy and stable' people. It's like you can't imagine these two normies dying for each other and having incredible, all-consuming sex. They just.. seem to find contentment in picking curtains together and other mundane stuff.

I get it, I just.. now see all consuming love as a very temporary drug that leaves you completely empty afterwards. I've also dated people I didn't even fancy for the safety of it and felt like I was going insane.

I need to find a balance and get the guy with whom I can enjoy sex and curtains. >.>

 

[motel rooms]

I think this is wrong. Being obsessed with someone is the only thing that's ever made life worth living for me. What's worse about being obsessed with a person than being obsessed with anything else? Obsessions are what give life meaning.

Yeah, WTF else is there for someone like me besides searing pain?

Not everyone has an option of finding enjoyment in a healthy, stable, passionless life. Some people need to find something they can be unhealthy about to make life tolerable.

Yep, that's me in a nutshell.