Help How to exit automatic mode?

[stormrOzzy]

There was a time when I was very depressed, I had fits of anger, I cried and punched the wall, I threw myself on the floor, I screamed.
But I knew where I was, what I felt and who I was...
In 2021 my brother committed suicide and I wasn't around to try to be his support, so that sunk me into the abyss from which I can't get out.
Now I smoke marijuana every day, I don't know who I am, what I feel, I'm always in the past and the future, I'm never in the present.
I feel angry every day, I'm addicted to masturbating and watching pornography, that's what relieves anxiety and stress.

 

[timf]

Self-stimulation can reach addictive proportions. There are several ways to deal with addictions. One is the 12 step approach. Another is a substitute approach like using athletics. For example you could join a tennis club and as you get better and more competitive, you could channel some of the energy into playing. There is the incremental approach where you identify one thing you would like to change and slowly work on modifying that such that each "success" can lead to the next step.

It might also be useful to consider what thought process you may be holding on to that contribute to wanting to numb them.

Unresolved guilt over not being able to help your brother might be a huge weight. Sometimes just being able to talk with a friend, family member, or even a therapist can help let things fade.

As you begin to see yourself as increasingly in control, you should see the "automatic" mode begin to fade.