Help How to be a better friend?

[ChoclateIsSweet]

Hello! Last year my friend lost their dad and a few months later they started becoming chronically ill. I tried to visit them weekly and bring them things. Small things most of the times, like cookies and fruits. For the past 3 months I've moved further from them so I haven't seen them as often but we try to talk on call weekly, where we mostly read a book together or play a game. Between calls I try to send them funny videos and post I see on Instagram but they don't really reply. I know they've been agoraphobic for the a few months, so next time I'm in the area I plan to bring my projector so we can watch movies in their house.

We've been friends for over 10 years, and it's a weird feeling to see the light dim from someone's eyes so quickly. They're not as talkative as they once were and they stop mid-sentence most of the time or just blank out and they've dropped out of uni, despite trying so hard in the past (taking 2 hour trains almost daily just to get to lectures). I guess the quiet part is that I know they're probably struggling with suicidal ideation or very burnt out at the least.

I was agoraphobic during my teens with heavy suicidal ideation (still am but no active plans and methods anymore) and currently I'm just doing things I would've wanted from someone back then, but right now it doesn't feel enough. What other things can we do during the holidays in person? What things can we do when we call? What support can I give them? What would you have wanted from your friend, if you've ever been in a similar position? Or any advice at all really.

I'm not expecting them to change into who they were 2 years ago, because that's not something you can come back as the same person, but just to see a bit of their spark back. They're important to me and I've told them that in a very drunk and teary manner 2 years ago. They are still loved.

 

[nocatwaslost]

Hey, it is very sweet of you that you take such care of your friend and are there in these harsh times.

First I would like to say that it is this or their ultimate responsibility to take control of this life and you are not responsible that they get better. Taking the pressure of yourself can help you to stay in a clear headspace and staying a good friend.

Secondly I would advise to cautiously ask if they are getting professional help, have other persons to talk to, maybe offer them to find help together? It sounds like this person suffers a lot and not only having you could help alleviate the pain.

Also maybe saying in a sober and clear state that they are loved and important for you can also help the other person to be seen.

 

[ChoclateIsSweet]

Hey, it is very sweet of you that you take such care of your friend and are there in these harsh times.

First I would like to say that it is this or their ultimate responsibility to take control of this life and you are not responsible that they get better. Taking the pressure of yourself can help you to stay in a clear headspace and staying a good friend.

Secondly I would advise to cautiously ask if they are getting professional help, have other persons to talk to, maybe offer them to find help together? It sounds like this person suffers a lot and not only having you could help alleviate the pain.

Also maybe saying in a sober and clear state that they are loved and important for you can also help the other person to be seen.

They currently have a counsellor and medical professionals that visit them, which is good. I'm trying not to think about it too much but I know how it's been to be extremely isolated and I see a lot of post here about that, so without feeling like my actions are a burden to them I would just like them to know there is someone who cares about them. Like you said it's probably important to say it but I'm really awkward with words. Do you think it would have the same effect in a letter? Like I put it in a christmas card.

 

[daleke]

They currently have a counsellor and medical professionals that visit them, which is good. I'm trying not to think about it too much but I know how it's been to be extremely isolated and I see a lot of post here about that, so without feeling like my actions are a burden to them I would just like them to know there is someone who cares about them. Like you said it's probably important to say it but I'm really awkward with words. Do you think it would have the same effect in a letter? Like I put it in a christmas card.

a letter sounds really sweet!

i think just be careful not to create the impression that the only thing you want to do is cheer them up. when i'm doing well, i can sometimes talk over other people and not really acknowledge that they feel like a lot of their issues are unfixable or overwhelming. it can leave the impression that you feel uncomfortable with hearing their dark thoughts, even if that's not really how you feel.

as an example, if someone says that nothing in their life is going right, a lot of people will have the instinct to argue with them and point out all the good things they have going on, which can feel dismissive, even if you are trying to make them feel better. it's good enough to be someone that they can be honest about how they feel with.

you're being a good friend just by committing to the friendship even if they aren't as talkative or as cheerful anymore and they're very lucky to have you in their life.

 

[nocatwaslost]

They currently have a counsellor and medical professionals that visit them, which is good. I'm trying not to think about it too much but I know how it's been to be extremely isolated and I see a lot of post here about that, so without feeling like my actions are a burden to them I would just like them to know there is someone who cares about them. Like you said it's probably important to say it but I'm really awkward with words. Do you think it would have the same effect in a letter? Like I put it in a christmas card.

Of course a letter can also be just as nice. You don't have to put it straight in their face, you can also talk about a positive memory you both had together or point out a positive trait of your friend. It can also convey the message of "I value you". Also if you send it without telling your friend it is one of the best surprises one can find in a mailbox

 

[ChoclateIsSweet]

a letter sounds really sweet!

i think just be careful not to create the impression that the only thing you want to do is cheer them up. when i'm doing well, i can sometimes talk over other people and not really acknowledge that they feel like a lot of their issues are unfixable or overwhelming. it can leave the impression that you feel uncomfortable with hearing their dark thoughts, even if that's not really how you feel.

as an example, if someone says that nothing in their life is going right, a lot of people will have the instinct to argue with them and point out all the good things they have going on, which can feel dismissive, even if you are trying to make them feel better. it's good enough to be someone that they can be honest about how they feel with.

you're being a good friend just by committing to the friendship even if they aren't as talkative or as cheerful anymore and they're very lucky to have you in their life.

That's a good point. I think I've been focusing on mundane topics and probably talking over them sometimes, so we haven't really been able to talk about more serious topics. I think last time we talked about anything serious that wasn't just how their meds are, was over 6 months ago.
Do you think it would help if I open up first so it feels less vulnerable for them or wait for them to bring it up on their own terms?

Of course a letter can also be just as nice. You don't have to put it straight in their face, you can also talk about a positive memory you both had together or point out a positive trait of your friend. It can also convey the message of "I value you". Also if you send it without telling your friend it is one of the best surprises one can find in a mailbox

I'll send them one in a few weeks :D I have an old decorated envelope and paper I made for them a few years ago somewhere so it'll be a little personalised.

Thank you both for your advices, you're really sweet people :D

 

[daleke]

That's a good point. I think I've been focusing on mundane topics and probably talking over them sometimes, so we haven't really been able to talk about more serious topics. I think last time we talked about anything serious that wasn't just how their meds are, was over 6 months ago.
Do you think it would help if I open up first so it feels less vulnerable for them or wait for them to bring it up on their own terms?



I'll send them one in a few weeks :D I have an old decorated envelope and paper I made for them a few years ago somewhere so it'll be a little personalised.

Thank you both for your advices, you're really sweet people :D

in my experience, demonstrating your own vulnerability is a pretty surefire way of letting people know that it's safe to talk to you, so your instinct seems good!

your friend might not reciprocate, but that's also ok - sometimes risk is necessary in a relationship.