How strong is your si?

[Terrible_Life]

Hi everyone,
how strong is your si? If you ever had an attempt but failed because of si, how did it stop you? Was there a huge anxiety, was your body shaking or was it something else maybe?
Do you think you'll be able to overcome si by the fact how extreme your suffering is?
I get it how frustrating this whole si issue is but I think in the end I have to be brave and go into action. A miracle won't happen, an angel won't come to me and heal me. I must end a life which isn't worth it to be lived and which will get much worse if I don't end it.
Every day is another huge motivation to just take my rope go the woods and die and honestly the pain really numbs you at least my inhumane horrible pain does.

 

[Jisatsu]

My si isnt strong because ive pulled off a lot of attempts...but when It happens its usually a anxiety of messing up. I pause and think usually and that's what gets me ...
I will overcome it next time I'm positive

 

[Arvayn]

Honestly, I've never had a self-preservation instinct, even as a kid. My survival drive is entirely cognitive. When I knew I was actively dying or doing something that would potentially make me die, I never really minded. Had way too many childhood NDEs as a result.
I am a schizoid, though, so that probably has something to do with it.

 

[Terrible_Life]

Honestly, I've never had a self-preservation instinct, even as a kid. My survival drive is entirely cognitive. When I knew I was actively dying or doing something that would potentially make me die, I never really minded. Had way too many childhood NDEs as a result.
I am a schizoid, though, so that probably has something to do with it.

Do you think if you'd commit suicide you'd feel no fear and could just do it ?

My si isnt strong because ive pulled off a lot of attempts...but when It happens its usually a anxiety of messing up. I pause and think usually and that's what gets me ...
I will overcome it next time I'm positive

I realized day after my failed attempt how the fear becomes less. Probably there are many factors for this for me personally it's simply the fact how hard the terrible reality kicked in after my attempt so I was like wow so for this bullshit I failed my attempt ? For this suffering ?

 

[Arvayn]

Do you think if you'd commit suicide you'd feel no fear and could just do it ?

Yes. I wouldn't feel any fear. I might still get doubts, though, as in: "But what about this thing I like doing...", "But my friend would be sad...", etcetera.
So, my better conscience is keeping me from it as opposed to any emotions.

 

[Terrible_Life]

Anyone else maybe who'd like to share their experience here? It might help many users who never attempted and don't know how si can be like

 

[T22222222]

I get it how frustrating this whole si issue is but I think in the end I have to be brave and go into action. A miracle won't happen, an angel won't come to me and heal me. I must end a life which isn't worth it to be lived and which will get much worse if I don't end it.

I relate a lot to this. I wish I could just do it and someday soon must go like "okay now is the time" and jump off a building. Because honestly my SI doesn't let me.

 

[Terrible_Life]

I relate a lot to this. I wish I could just do it and someday soon must go like "okay now is the time" and jump off a building. Because honestly my SI doesn't let me.

You know what ? I tried everything to find peace with my decision to ctb but it absolutely doesn't matter how obvious it is that my life is an inhumane painful sad shit life still my mind won't give me the peace I wanted with my decision so that I could calmly and peacefully live my last days and then die…..therefore I think the only thing I can do is accept this and ctb anyway simply by giving a damn about all this inner peace stuff.

 

[T22222222]

You know what ? I tried everything to find peace with my decision to ctb but it absolutely doesn't matter how obvious it is that my life is an inhumane painful sad shit life still my mind won't give me the peace I wanted with my decision so that I could calmly and peacefully live my last days and then die…..therefore I think the only thing I can do is accept this and ctb anyway simply by giving a damn about all this inner peace stuff.

I relate.. it's like it never feels like there's any finality to it. Even if I say okay tomorrow I'm going to CTB, it's not like I'll know for sure that I will be able to overcome my SI and just do it.

 

[Terrible_Life]

I relate.. it's like it never feels like there's any finality to it. Even if I say okay tomorrow I'm going to CTB, it's not like I'll know for sure that I will be able to overcome my SI and just do it.

Exactly and all I can say is forget about the "perfect moment" where it'll be like in drama movie "and then the protagonist falls apart his world is destroyed he wanna die …" stuff like that won't happen.

I tried practicing hanging so I get used to it and now I really at a point where everything is completely hell on earth yet when I debate with myself the stupidity kicks in and stuff like that comes out : oh but what if this and that could help you then I reflect my past and realize no this and that didn't help before it never helped it'd just prolong this ugly shit life and maybe I'd end up in worse place . Debating is so pointless yes one should think of his situation but one shouldn't constantly mention the same damn arguments again and again then exhaust himself and end up in the same hell place he was before without any progress . If that person would like to seek help then he can but no most of the time that person exhausts himself from debating with himself and he really ends up with no results just trapped in the same sad place he is for month after month after month and then it's all of a sudden new year and nothing has changed still the same damn fucking nightmare

 

[T22222222]

Exactly and all I can say is forget about the "perfect moment" where it'll be like in drama movie "and then the protagonist falls apart his world is destroyed he wanna die …" stuff like that won't happen.

I tried practicing hanging so I get used to it and now I really at a point where everything is completely hell on earth yet when I debate with myself the stupidity kicks in and stuff like that comes out : oh but what if this and that could help you then I reflect my past and realize no this and that didn't help before it never helped it'd just prolong this ugly shit life and maybe I'd end up in worse place . Debating is so pointless yes one should think of his situation but one shouldn't constantly mention the same damn arguments again and again then exhaust himself and end up in the same hell place he was before without any progress . If that person would like to seek help then he can but no most of the time that person exhausts himself from debating with himself and he really ends up with no results just trapped in the same sad place he is for month after month after month and then it's all of a sudden new year and nothing has changed still the same damn fucking nightmare

I know right. I wish I could just feel some sense of finality about it especially since I know it is never going to get better just going to go downhill from here. Stuff that nightmares are made of.

 

[rainatthebusstop]

I tried CBTing around Christmas last year. Had a date and a protocol picked out and everything. My fuckass self preservation manifested in the shittiest possible way: it froze me. I was frozen in place long enough for someone to notice and try to talk to me after which I quickly left the scene and went home.
Just glad that I could shake that person off but that was such a fucking bad experience. No shakes, no vomiting, no flailing just the feeling of being stuck in place.

 

[cowboypants]

For me If I have too much high SI I've noticed that it triggers a psychotic episode or even mild psychotic symptoms. I don't take any psychiatric meds, but I do have some meds if the symptoms are unbearable I will be unable to fall asleep and so on.

I think I'm afraid to die really. And a part of me wants to live, I need a lot of motivation to go to a hotel like 50 km away that's my plan. And its like i barely went outside like twice in two months. It gives a sense of peace and also dread that i have eventually go on taxi and shit whilst maintaining a sense of normality. I think i give off a pretty unusual vibe more so at this point after all the isolation its just increasing and i cant imagine what's ahead of me

 

[awfullymorbid]

Very strong, although it depends on the day. Its often very strong because I'm scared ill fail, not necessarily the repercussions of my death. i hate it