How my suicidal ideation stopped

[SomewhereAlongThe]

Almost a year ago, when I got out of the hospital, I became obsessed with the exit bag method. My suicidal ideation was bad, I would turn living into a philosophy. My philosophy was that death was the ultimate bliss, and therefore we should kill ourselves to attain it. Then as I was discovering myself, I felt I had no talents or hobbies, and no passions I could pursue. My suicidal ideation left behind its philosophy and picked up a new destructive path, that I was worthless and since I have nothing to do, it's better for me to die than to live with nothing to do. So I began to actively seek out the items needed for the exit bag method. I got every single one, everything I needed, and put it together with success. Yet, when I did the final step (placing the tube in the bag and attaching it) and tested it, I abruptly didn't want to commit suicide anymore. My suicidal thoughts came to an absolute halt. I just didn't want to be non-existent, because I felt, well, that would be it. Now I view death as an absolute end to life. I'm not suffering terrible pain, so I wouldn't be able to understand their perspective, but for me I know it's not worth ending life forever. There are opportunities that we have that will simply never present themselves again. I can't do it, it's too much of a permanent end. Maybe I needed to get everything together to realize I don't want to do this. Like standing on the edge and contemplating jumping. Or maybe I'm just incredibly scare. All I know is that I'm willing to live and sort life out. I found passions I'm actively pursuing, drawing, photographing and mainly writing. It's working out well, so far. Hopefully I can put my life back together soon.

 

[timf]

Sometimes the process of approaching suicide involves collecting items as you did. Often it involved letting go of various things as well. If a person has some harmful attachments, letting them go can be freeing even to the point of no longer feeling propelled towards suicide.

Sometimes a narrowing focus on suicide makes it appear to be a great solution. It can grow in desirability because in it one can place hope. However, right at the end reality can deflate the imagery one has created. This can even seem disappointing.

The point one is freed from those forces that had propelled them towards suicide one might think the heavens would open and angels blowing trumpets would herald a new day. However, most face the reality of starting to build or rebuilt a neglected life.

However, underneath what can seem the drudgery of daily life, there can be a sense of satisfaction of having survived what many never have to face. Lessons learned, strength found, and new appreciations forged can be tools with which to build a better life than one might have had before.