In college I was an extreme perfectionist. But my resilience became worse and worse. And I almost broke down because of it. On SaSu I don't care much. I think maybe I should care much.
I don't think my analyses are worthhile anyway. It is a distraction sometimes thoughtful. But my analyses are often not very profound.
I once was a content creator. I never spoke it about on here. Because it is too risky to get doxxed. But I always as very careful about it. I think the content I produced was so trash. In some ways it was cringe. But in some way I am interested in creating content again. I would be curious if I was now able to produce better content. I think producing good content is difficult. It takes time for sure. But in some way I don't want to specialize. I am more interested in gathering information than to produce perfect content. Because I am never really content with it. I don't have a good middle ground. I think on SaSu it is for not that distressful because I don't have to prove anything and there is full anonymity.
In some ways college was the education I wanted. But it was a nightmare for my mental health. I had to abuse addictive medication to deal with the stress. My resting pulse increased in a dramatic way. It almost drove me to commit suicide. It was an academic challenge and in some way I liked to participate in that. However, my extreme perfectionism is pathological. There is no wayy around that. The acknowledgement felt good. But I also bullied the fuck out of me to give my best. Maybe online college might be middle ground. I think though this is an illusion. My notion os college is always very distorted. Due to the fact I worship education so much. I always thought I was perfectly happy in college and could live my dream. But when I actually was in it I realized that this is an extreme agony. I didn't quit early. But I shoould have quit earlier for sure.
So it seems as if my posting on SaSu will continue. And I will produce content on here. And vent about my life from time to time.
I don't think my analyses are worthhile anyway. It is a distraction sometimes thoughtful. But my analyses are often not very profound.
I once was a content creator. I never spoke it about on here. Because it is too risky to get doxxed. But I always as very careful about it. I think the content I produced was so trash. In some ways it was cringe. But in some way I am interested in creating content again. I would be curious if I was now able to produce better content. I think producing good content is difficult. It takes time for sure. But in some way I don't want to specialize. I am more interested in gathering information than to produce perfect content. Because I am never really content with it. I don't have a good middle ground. I think on SaSu it is for not that distressful because I don't have to prove anything and there is full anonymity.
In some ways college was the education I wanted. But it was a nightmare for my mental health. I had to abuse addictive medication to deal with the stress. My resting pulse increased in a dramatic way. It almost drove me to commit suicide. It was an academic challenge and in some way I liked to participate in that. However, my extreme perfectionism is pathological. There is no wayy around that. The acknowledgement felt good. But I also bullied the fuck out of me to give my best. Maybe online college might be middle ground. I think though this is an illusion. My notion os college is always very distorted. Due to the fact I worship education so much. I always thought I was perfectly happy in college and could live my dream. But when I actually was in it I realized that this is an extreme agony. I didn't quit early. But I shoould have quit earlier for sure.
So it seems as if my posting on SaSu will continue. And I will produce content on here. And vent about my life from time to time.
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