Venting How does anyone get through a single day?

[kunikuzushi]

This is so unbearably painful. I'm diagnosed with bpd and I've been living in constant torture for as long as I remember.

I seriously don't know how I'm supposed to stay alive any longer. I'm either tortured from the hell of being alone or tortured from thinking everyone hates me and is going to leave me. On top of this, I can't feel positive emotions from anything when I'm alone. I'm going insane.

I have my SN. I've been planning my death for 6 years, but I'm stuck here because I can't hurt my best friend, my boyfriend, and my mom. I really can't. But how am I supposed to get through another day? Every day I get closer to thinking I need to just finally do what's best for me and end this pain.

 

[kopebaldy]

Put my head down, stop thinking too much, one foot in front of another, keep walking until the day I can't anymore.

Because what else can people like us do?

Life is already tiring, if I flip out and let my emotions loose, it will get harder.

 

[58Alice85]

I consume around 500 mg of caffeine a day in coffees and colas

 

[Terrible_Life_99]

Simply being tortured until the sky gets dark and the day comes to an end. The day is filled with terrible ocd symptoms, emptiness, emotional numbness and also with a wish to finally being freed from this nightmare by hanging myself.
And that happens day after day after day after day - an endless circle of suffering

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand finding it so painful to exist, I always find it so torturous to suffer in this cruel, futile existence, it really sounds like you've suffered so much, I wish you the best.

 

[darksouls]

I suffer from severe depression, I vegetate away, alone in my fortress of solitude

 

[itwillhappensoon]

I suffer from schizophrenia every single day , mainly the negative symptoms because zyprexa takes care of positive ones , but my life has been torture ever since I had this disease and I wish I was never born

 

[Lady_V]

substances

 

[fazzle]

Honestly don't know how I cope in the evenings without a few drinks. Alcohol has ironically kept me alive for over 15 years without becoming a full blown alcoholic

 

[failedmind]

I have to constantly distract myself with a video game or something. It still doesnt work all the way but at least its something. Also crying and laying in the bed. I also can't leave just yet because of my mom and my boyfriend. I'm still hoping to in the next year though but I need to stick it out a little bit longer for them. But its so hard. Everyday is complete torture

 

[Kitsune_BCN]

Videogames, freak stuff and a little bit of beer and sometimes K.

In fact if it wasnt for the chronic pain I even like my life xD. I ve come to the conclusion that life is so hard that just simply resting, having free time and being entertained is an enormous privilege

 

[Irisse]

Tbh it's mostly about distractions for me. I listen to music on youtube and sometimes I might doodle something in a sketchbook. Lots of maladaptive daydreaming as well. I hope it things get better for you.

 

[LastLoveSong]

i dont understand how people bear being conscious

 

[deep-sleeper]

I survive by disassociating most of the time. Life is painful and the real world is boring

 

[rustcohle4life]

Disassociating and trauma blocking. Hurts a lot less if you wall it off/push it down never to see the light of day again. I can't go on doing that forever though and that's where CTB comes in.

 

[CumbriaCTB]

I think you have your answer already: your best friend, boyfriend, and mother. Having other people in our lives that love us and cherish us can be an incredible motivator. The fact you don't want to hurt them by leaving them clearly shows that you love them back as well. I find it quite remarkable that, in spite of your intense pain, you have continued on for this long for their sakes.

I too struggle with being on my own. I experience full-blown anhedonia unless I am in the company of somebody I look up to and I eventually lose control of my emotions if I am left alone long-term. Of course, for my own reasons, I also push others away without intending to do so and it is immensely painful every time. It's the crippling isolation, and being slapped in the face whenever I try to remedy it, which primarily fuels my suicidal ideation.

If you feel as if it's best to put yourself first then you ought to be free to make that choice on your own terms. Having friends and family around you is nice but if it it won't stop the pain then that's that.

Kind Regards,
CumbriaCTB

 

[Karera]

I don't, a little bit of me dies everyday, and hopefully I'll get to be the reason why I'm no longer whole.

 

[Pluto]

 

[SilentSadness]

Distraction is the only way for me. I understand your suffering, hopefully your suffering reduces sometime soon.

 

[Manfrotto99]

Mostly sleeping and meds now days, otherwise the days are too lonely and depressing and filled with painful memories of trauma and loss