how do you even start to get better when you dont even WANT to

[takihorse]

like i just dont even want to try. i guess maybe part of me does because all my attempts to kill myself have not been successful, and i see only two ways out of my misery: dying or recovering. i just dont even know where to start. im so tired. i hate the world and all that it has become. i dont want to spend the rest of my life working for money that isnt even enough to survive off of. how are you supposed to recover when the world is fucking awful and your circumstances are almost certainly not going to get better

 

[Alumina]

if you don't want to get better you won't get better
if you don't want to try to get better you have to rely on a very lucky event happening to you, or motivation spike after some times
about the world being awful, you either become an awful person or find some place that relies on unity (very hard) and community instead of money, or you accept to try new things till you get one that suits you (hard af)
besides, there is a bus to catch

 

[hurts2b]

I really wish I knew.

 

[engineered_failure]

real i feel the same way, the worst thing is that im hurting the only people who actually slightly care about me and i wish i wanted or tbh even had the hope of getting better. it feels harder to have hopeful thoughts rn than it would've been to run a marathon when i was in middle school.

idk man i think alternatively, i dont want to kill myself either. i mean i cant because that seems like the only thing worse than living in terms of hurting the few people i have, but still staying in this limbo is hell. i guess the point is just to try your best because you're going to die anyways, might as well see if you can get some moments out of it in the future where you're like 'dang this was worth not quitting for.' the only 2 pieces of advice i have are to imagine you're you from the future, in a much better situation, looking back and trying to tell yourself that it isnt as hard as it feels to get better and that you need to force yourself to turn your brain off sometimes. the other thing would be to take it 1 day at a time, even an hour at a time if you need to. focusing on how much distance you can cover in 1 day vs the total distance remaining (there isn't really a distance, improving your average pace would probably be a better example). im probably just rambling on atp and this is advice for myself as much as it is to you - you're 100% not alone on feeling so hopeless - goodluck stranger

 

[Autumn Blaze]

I understand you and I really wish I knew because even if I recover and make a lot of progress, sometimes wanting to CTB just hits me like a boulder while I'm climbing up the mountain of recovery like I have been for years. Recovery is a tough process and sometimes it just seems easier to CTB especially when I'm in a lot of distress and don't believe it's ever gonna get better. Which is a lot because the world is fuuuuuucked and there's constant subtle signs the world is fucked even in my general vicinity.

That all being said, most of my attempts to CTB have ended in me not wanting to die either, because SI. My attempts have hurt people in my life - they always will, when I do them - and I've tried my damndest to stop my attempts for the people that care about me - even if it's real freakin' hard and sometimes I resent people for even giving a fuck aboyt me. If you can keep your head above water and find something worth experiencing that happens in your time here, whether that's spending time with another person or doing an activity or god knows what, just something that doesn't contribute to your urges to CTB, then that's one less reason to do it. Relapses may happen (I know I've relapsed into wanting to CTB at least twice) and it might feel like you're never going to be able to heal, but it's possible. It's a hard process, but you're definitely not alone on how hard it feels and can be. Good luck!!