how do you deal with changes, sh urges, past expectations and not knowing what's next?

[n1kita_]

I wouldn't say I have a hard time being mesmerized by things, by life, I move from obsession to obsession. The silliest things can keep me forever curious despite how sad I can be, angry, or upset. There's a drive somewhere. However, since I started moving well into my late 20's, the "typical" (the state of the world needs mentioning here, of course) changes that many draw as an accomplishment have seemed to kick me out of my sense of self. I've found a place to live, I've found a person I love very much to share that place with. I have gotten better at the art I make, I have managed to keep a job that feels like It's doing something meaningful. I've probably gotten done a lot more for myself this year than I have in some years.

And still. Not studying anymore left a gap of time I'm unsure what to fill with. My screen time is ridiculous, or at least by my standards. I have a place to call home that I can -sort of- treat like a blank canvas, and it still feels somewhat empty inside of me. Moreso on the side of anxiety. I keep thinking how nothing is the time for anything- this should have happened either before, or after. Anything. Right now I'm only scared, anxious, apathetic or feeling too fucking much. Feeling I'm never doing enough. Every now and then I entertain the idea of self-harm, a habit I carry with me since highschool but stopped because I know all the possible outcomes in which it will fucking suck if I am found out. When you share a room, you will be found out. When you meet with friends, you'll be found out. I look at my friends scars and I'm jealous. A part of me thinks that's what's missing, some part of this that I can control, like I'm used to bad things happening and I need to put them into the present. But I also want good things. I have gotten so many good things. I feel like despite all my successes and even when I have taken a leap of trust in something I love, the creeping anxiety of "this is nothing, and you are nothing" creeps back to me. Nothing I can do or create is enough to satiate me. It doesn't feel good. It drives me to desperation. I'm scared to know what it means as I get older, if i'll have to conform, and conforming terrifies me unless it's for a trial period of life, figuring stuff out. I'm so unsure. Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like I am ruining what I have right now because I can't stop with these thoughts. Feels lonely. A lot of changes out of my control too that I can't seem to be at peace with. It fucks with me.

 

[timf]

A feeling of a lack of control can contribute to anxiety that drives a desire to self harm.SH can produce a feeling of control, but it is short lived. Looking at others, activities, and events as things which are consumed can also leave one feeling anxious and unfulfilled.

Sometimes people do volunteer work that gives them an opportunity to takes themselves out of themselves and get some satisfaction from doing something for others. This can be experienced on a smaller scale simply by saying something encouraging to someone else. For example, if you were to join a book discussion group at your library and someone made an interesting observation, you could say how much you appreciated the comment. We often fail to consider how much what we could say could help others.

 

[n1kita_]

A feeling of a lack of control can contribute to anxiety that drives a desire to self harm.SH can produce a feeling of control, but it is short lived. Looking at others, activities, and events as things which are consumed can also leave one feeling anxious and unfulfilled.

Sometimes people do volunteer work that gives them an opportunity to takes themselves out of themselves and get some satisfaction from doing something for others. This can be experienced on a smaller scale simply by saying something encouraging to someone else. For example, if you were to join a book discussion group at your library and someone made an interesting observation, you could say how much you appreciated the comment. We often fail to consider how much what we could say could help others.

thank you. I really like the way you broke it down in the first sentence, like everything else, this belongs to a chain of reactions. I have a big issue understanding that whatever it is I do doesn't pertain to a box to cross out on a list. I don't know how to change this thinking :(. I have volunteered twice before, for around 3 months in total and I can assure it is a gorgeous way of finding some real purpose. If anything, I'm as thankful as cursed that it happened, because as soon as said volunteering ended, it's like life placed itself in front of me with the same crudeness as before. I have planned stuff for the future and that's my lifeline, but I have to eradicate this consuming way of thinking. I just don't know how. And self harm is tempting, yes, and a short lived "solution". I just felt so alive whilst doing it, even afterwards, the idea of a secret itself. I feel like not doing it has taken out a part of who I am, sadly enough, as part of my brain knows how ridiculous and shallow that sounds. I'm hopeful, but feeling doomed, too. Thank you for your reply <3