NefariousWish
Member
- Apr 30, 2020
- 69
Around the age of 20, I started a reading list that became my sole reason for living. It's grown through the years, and I'm close to the end, I think. It initially emerged from a deep insecurity of mine.
I wanted to be well-read because I wanted to be viewed as an intelligent and competent adult. I never finished college and pursuing a career was never an option due to my crippling OCD and PTSD (from childhood trauma) that's had me on disability for years.
Completing my reading list was meant to compensate for my failure of not becoming the self-sustaining professional I always dreamed of becoming.
I'm realizing now that my list is sort of pointless. The books I read a year ago that were oh so important at the time are but a blur to me now. If I didn't write down the book titles, I wouldn't even know what books I had read or what they were even about.
Some of these books have been pleasurable, but many have been a chore. I have anhedonia, so nothing really excites me. I force myself to read because the alternative is wasting away in front of the t.v.
My OCD has made reading extremely difficult. I constantly have to reread sentences to feel like I've understood them. It's just masochism at this point.
I wanted to be well-read because I wanted to be viewed as an intelligent and competent adult. I never finished college and pursuing a career was never an option due to my crippling OCD and PTSD (from childhood trauma) that's had me on disability for years.
Completing my reading list was meant to compensate for my failure of not becoming the self-sustaining professional I always dreamed of becoming.
I'm realizing now that my list is sort of pointless. The books I read a year ago that were oh so important at the time are but a blur to me now. If I didn't write down the book titles, I wouldn't even know what books I had read or what they were even about.
Some of these books have been pleasurable, but many have been a chore. I have anhedonia, so nothing really excites me. I force myself to read because the alternative is wasting away in front of the t.v.
My OCD has made reading extremely difficult. I constantly have to reread sentences to feel like I've understood them. It's just masochism at this point.
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