How am I even supposed to want to try

[nothinghereforme]

Everything I enjoy in life has been whittled away one by one over the years. A lot of my situation is my fault but the chronic pain is what keeps me totally suicidal, you can't repress that like you can eventually at least kind of do with memories or guilt or embarrassment.
I'm still seeing specialists but my chronic pain means I can't have sex without pain. A mutually affectionate relationship is all I want from life and what I want most and I can never have that now. I'd have to be a voyeur in the corner or something which is disgusting, im basically a eunuch now. I don't believe doctors will ever fix my pain until I'm like 40 if ever, and I already missed out on the prime of life.
All there was to look forward to was a relationship and I can never have one. All there is left now is aging and health problems and chores and regret and humiliation. I don't want friends. I want one spouse I trust only. I don't care about any cause and am angry enough about my pain and doctors not helping it I don't want to help the world at all now it would make no sense for me to want to. I wish everyone had to feel like me if I have to.
I'm already ugly and socially inept and my chronic pain keeps me from working out or biking; all I can do to not get fat is barely eat at all which is easy since I have no appetite anymore anyway. My body knows I'm supposed to CTB.
I don't know what I'm supposed to look forward to besides a relationship that's worth all the degrading chores and humiliation and pain of life. I feel anxious and sad and angry every second. It hurts worse to think of good things or memories that are all ruined and tainted now.
I'm bored and irritated by everything.
I'm genuinely curious if anyone thinks I should even bother to try to stick it out. I am not giving it long I've already had this pain issue for years. I missed out on all my youth I'm almost 30. I hate life. Why keep going. My family are selfish for trying to keep me alive when I tell them how I feel and know what's best for myself

 

[timf]

Life can seem like it is expanding or contracting. If circumstances cause a narrowing of focus in life it can result in amplifying what remains. It might be helpful to add elements to your life (even if seemingly insignificant). For example spending an hour with a puzzle, reading a fiction story, playing a video game can all be elements that expand a life and may even result is a slight decrease in the awareness of pain.

You might not want to focus on things like not having a relationship because one can imagine an idyllic relationship and feel extra bad at having lost something imaginary. There are plenty of horrible relationships that one could equally be glad for having avoided.

Sometimes things like volunteer work can also help expand one's focus. You might read up about Yemen and be thankful you do not live there. Experimentation can be a useful way to see if one can discover techniques to manage things and even get some relief.

 

[nothinghereforme]

Life can seem like it is expanding or contracting. If circumstances cause a narrowing of focus in life it can result in amplifying what remains. It might be helpful to add elements to your life (even if seemingly insignificant). For example spending an hour with a puzzle, reading a fiction story, playing a video game can all be elements that expand a life and may even result is a slight decrease in the awareness of pain.

You might not want to focus on things like not having a relationship because one can imagine an idyllic relationship and feel extra bad at having lost something imaginary. There are plenty of horrible relationships that one could equally be glad for having avoided.

Sometimes things like volunteer work can also help expand one's focus. You might read up about Yemen and be thankful you do not live there. Experimentation can be a useful way to see if one can discover techniques to manage things and even get some relief.

Why would I volunteer? I hate people and my life has been awful. I don't want to be a happy helpful eunuch with pain in the most embarssing and sensitive area possible. The past couple years of this have shown me platonic relationships don't mean anything and aren't worth the effort and most people are boring and have nothing to offer. I don't want anything but the pain to go away and that will never happen.
I would take a hypothetical job just torturing puppies to death all day every day if it somehow cured the pain...not sure how that exchange would work exactly but I would.
I've been selling off everything I own for drugs and alcohol and haven't regretted it since I don't enjoy anything sober anymore anyway. Abandoned all creative hobbies due to becoming totally bored with them when they used to practically define my life.
I refuse to sympathize with others anymore. People having worse lives than me is good and I'm happy about it but it doesn't make my pain or anger go away. My anger will not go away until pain does. So probably only when I CTB because nurses and doctors are worthless greedy pieces of garbage.
There's nothing that makes the misery of my life worth it at all. I don't want to cope with constant almost certainly permanent pain and being a eunuch. I can't and won't stop hating everyone and everything until I CTB