Holidays harder than expected

[a.n.kirillov]

Just met with circle of friends. I'm just too far gone, had to whiteknuckle the whole thing. Throughout the whole morning hearing everyone talk about their careers taking off, their relationships and lifes in general it dawned upon me that I am really doomed now. It's over; and I couldn't even give them and myself a few g o o d last hours and enjoy myself.

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

If you weren't comparing yourself with your friends would you still be suicidal? Are our friends the benchmark to tell us how our life should be or should have been? What can we do to not have this thought rule our mind and not allow it to decide our fate? *hugs*

 

[Flume]

I'm seeing a friend on saturday but I'm thinking of canceling it, like... what do I even say or do, I'm dead either way. I don't think I'll handle it very well and might just breakdown.

it was a strong of you to hangout despite your lows right now, I'm sorry it turned out bad

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Thanks and good look to you too

If you weren't comparing yourself with your friends would you still be suicidal? Are our friends the benchmark to tell us how our life should be or should have been? What can we do to not have this thought rule our mind and not allow it to decide our fate? *hugs*

No they accept me but they get frustrated with me. I have abandonment issues and appear cold and constantly push people a way despite being conscious of it.

They understand but still, it takes a toll on you. It's just personality disorders, I get it, I would distance myself from a narcissist as well even if he was my friend and understood he can't help it.

And yeah you can be idealistic and all that but you need at least s o m e social credit. I have no good looks, no money, no career, no charisma thanks to depression and no empathy or affection thanks to BPD getting worse - those always saved me. Without my friends I am nothing and thanks to BPD or whatever the hell is wrong with me nowadays I feel utterly abandondened and alone. I become vengeful and envious, I resent my friends and then poison myself with guilt as a punishment for that.

Now I'm whining on an internet forum instead of visiting my family who love me. Even my best friends family have invited me to spend Xmas Eve with them but I still feel they hate me and I sit there and avoid them. Its a self fulfilling prophecy I am fully aware of, I am my own torturer.