Is anyone else hanging on because they want to help family? If so, how are you dealing with the horrible urge to die since you can't die before you help them? That's my situation.
The suicidal thoughts just won't go away no matter what I do. I vowed to give myself more time just to see if things can change
(I know they won't) but also mainly my brother needs help and I'd want to make sure he's alright before I leave this earth.
Time being extended however, is crippling me. I've never in my life been in a place where I couldn't escape the bad thoughts, but after four long years and on going, that's where I am. I've finally learned to just tune out the "it gets better" people and learned to be realistic when you hit this point. I'm 25, and the idea of living past 26 is becoming more and more terrifying. Part of me is worried when I take the N I could be found, even if I plan it right. Perhaps that's just my irrational fears because I also fear it won't be painless and I'm a bit worried but I think that's natural with any suicide method. I worked hard to be able to buy N, and so I know I need to just not focus on my tiny amounts of anxiety. Heartbreak and loss of family are my main reasons for committing suicide, and each day it's like the depression becomes stronger, darker, and rips me right under. I wish I was just not like this, but therapy and all that bullshit just stopped working after so many years and my body in terms of meds builds up tolerance QUICK, hence why I've been on so many different things. My body and mind most certainly do not want me to be here, but all I can think of is my brother. I'm trying to hold out to make sure I can help him and yes I know I should just only focus on myself, but he's a little kid in a bad situation. I'm trying to hang on to make sure I get him out of there before I off myself. It's hard when you want to stay to help an innocent child because they're your family because you don't know how long assisting them could take
The suicidal thoughts just won't go away no matter what I do. I vowed to give myself more time just to see if things can change
(I know they won't) but also mainly my brother needs help and I'd want to make sure he's alright before I leave this earth.
Time being extended however, is crippling me. I've never in my life been in a place where I couldn't escape the bad thoughts, but after four long years and on going, that's where I am. I've finally learned to just tune out the "it gets better" people and learned to be realistic when you hit this point. I'm 25, and the idea of living past 26 is becoming more and more terrifying. Part of me is worried when I take the N I could be found, even if I plan it right. Perhaps that's just my irrational fears because I also fear it won't be painless and I'm a bit worried but I think that's natural with any suicide method. I worked hard to be able to buy N, and so I know I need to just not focus on my tiny amounts of anxiety. Heartbreak and loss of family are my main reasons for committing suicide, and each day it's like the depression becomes stronger, darker, and rips me right under. I wish I was just not like this, but therapy and all that bullshit just stopped working after so many years and my body in terms of meds builds up tolerance QUICK, hence why I've been on so many different things. My body and mind most certainly do not want me to be here, but all I can think of is my brother. I'm trying to hold out to make sure I can help him and yes I know I should just only focus on myself, but he's a little kid in a bad situation. I'm trying to hang on to make sure I get him out of there before I off myself. It's hard when you want to stay to help an innocent child because they're your family because you don't know how long assisting them could take
