My anxiety is through the fucking roof. I am in my last year of college, and plan to kill myself after because I have to help my brother before I go and that's been hard as it pushes back the date I had planned, and I have to somehow manage to get through school, but the heartbreak from years ago still pulls at me and has me in a deep wreck. I can't move on from him because I love him and I've had men just like him enter my life and I feel absolutely nothing for them, even if I find them attractive and appealing. I'm so sick of people who most likely are narcissistic in nature telling me to get under someone else, or just love myself. I used to think that shit worked, until I actually fell IN love. When I experienced being IN love, I realized those stupid tactics don't fucking work and I feel everyday for years these feelings have just become a deep dark curse and the only way out is through death. Therapy isn't helping and neither are these stupid fucking self love tactics and coping skills and it's been years. I have to somehow manage classes while enduring these feelings that have led me to many failed suicide attempts… it's gotten so bad to the point I've resorted back to cutting my wrists and it's been years since I've toyed with a blade. Of course I'm just venting because here is the only place I feel I can do it, and I'm just tired. I'm tired of the love for him that keeps endlessly growing and no matter what I do the feelings won't go away. I've just become angry with the retards saying "time heals all wounds" like yeah, no it doesn't always work that way. With time, I've progressively become worse and I can't live like this for another twenty fucking years. I wake up with my heart pounding and my body vibrating now. My doctor and therapist think it's me having panic attacks in my sleep… I'd honestly benefit so much from having something strong like Ativan because I NEED it at this point with how out of control my body and mind are getting. Other meds haven't worked and the doctors have acknowledged it could help a lot, but they refuse to because it's potentially addictive. They essentially said let it get worse first and I'm like, worse? WORSE? I'm puking every other day from anxiety, I am having urges to cut and acted on them, and now I'm panicking in my sleep and you want to wait for it to get worse before giving me something sedating? The worst part is I've had Ativan before for a long period and did fine with it… it was then no longer given to me because I lost my healthcare provider so I'm back at square one all over again. I just want to be sedated so I don't freak out as much because of this heartbreak. It's killing me, and I'd like my last months on this earth to not be filled with such grief and panic filled episodes.
I don't know what to do. I'm terrified to ask my college psychiatrist for Ativan because she isn't the most open minded and quite frankly, sees most mentally ill people as delusional psychos who don't know what's truly good for them. She's a shitty psych and so I'm fearful of trying to meet with her again this semester. I just feel life will continue to worsen the longer I'm here, and I can't take it anymore
I don't know what to do. I'm terrified to ask my college psychiatrist for Ativan because she isn't the most open minded and quite frankly, sees most mentally ill people as delusional psychos who don't know what's truly good for them. She's a shitty psych and so I'm fearful of trying to meet with her again this semester. I just feel life will continue to worsen the longer I'm here, and I can't take it anymore
