Have your reasons for wanting to ctb changed?

[lyles]

So my motivations for wanting to ctb have evolved over time. When I was younger it was sourced from trauma and escapism, in my college years it became about control and idealogical, and I think that there are core issues that have remained but the immediate reasoning changes. I was doing better but now my anxiety, which I haven't struggled with in a really long time, has been coming back and motivated me towards it again now.

Have any of you had a similar experience? If so, did something in particular happen to make the change? I'm just kinda curious.

 

[Fairyy]

I don't think I had any reason in the past. I just felt bad and I didn't even know why. With growing up, the obsessives have seized on a couple of small details of my life and are bringing them to the ideal.

 

[ultrafuntimes]

I started wanting to ctb when I was younger, because I wanted to escape the circumstances I was stuck with. Time passed, things changed, and those things that I needed to escape from are gone. I don't know how to feel. I can't let go of the desire to ctb, though, after all, it's all I've had to hold onto for the longest time.

So idk. My reasons for wanting to ctb have changed, and my reasons will probably continue to change. I feel like the core issue is that I've always resorted to attempting to ctb in order to cope with life, so now I don't know how to live any other way. Not sure if that makes sense. Words can only say so much.

 

[Akerblad]

not really, honestly i only feel defeated and tired

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I have never wanted to live, and for me life itself is enough of a reason to ctb. I am simply not meant for this world and I cannot cope with life. Of course as the years have passed, there have been different things which have made me more suicidal, depending on what my life was like at the time. Most things make me feel worse in general. As the years have gone by, I have felt more and more suicidal and I have wanted to escape this world even more.

 

[Hurt]

Yes. I have more reasons to do it. Life became worse.

 

[Nolan96]

I feel that existential issues have become less pronounced over time. That was really hard for me as a teenager.
Nowadays I don't think about that as much. I mainly just think about how I've been struggling for a really, really long time, that I'm so far behind and so far away, that I will probably never get out of this rut any other way.

 

[Graytaichi]

I can only do N and SN at the moment. Yes, im a pussy.

 

[lyles]

I started wanting to ctb when I was younger, because I wanted to escape the circumstances I was stuck with. Time passed, things changed, and those things that I needed to escape from are gone. I don't know how to feel. I can't let go of the desire to ctb, though, after all, it's all I've had to hold onto for the longest time.

So idk. My reasons for wanting to ctb have changed, and my reasons will probably continue to change. I feel like the core issue is that I've always resorted to attempting to ctb in order to cope with life, so now I don't know how to live any other way. Not sure if that makes sense. Words can only say so much.

I absolutely understand and relate to this. You expressed perfectly how I have felt. Someone once said to me it was how I felt some sort of control, and thus became my primary coping mechanism. Anyways, your words put it together very well. Thank you for sharing.