Have you been depressed as long as you remember?

[EternalHunger]

I don't think there has been a specific point in time that has been a catalyst to my suicidal ideation and self-harm problems, as long as I remember I've just been this way. One of my earliest memories was my first attempt at jumping off a stone archbridge that was in my path to primary school, I was stopped before I managed to muster enough courage but I developed a fear of heights due to it and it felt like the closest I've ever been to death 'emotionally' despite my later attempts, I remember when I was crying while being told off by the woman who took me off that I genuinely felt like I've already died the moment I stepped on that ledge and took a deep look down.

What about you guys?

 

[Jisatsu]

I started showing signs of depression at 10 after I was ... first raped.
My first attempt was at 11 and I haven't stopped being depressed since.

 

[princexhhn]

As far as I could remember, I never cared much about my own life. I often did risky things like sitting on the edge of a rooftop just because I can. I didn't have attempts as a child but I also often fantasized about killing myself. Taking the knife from the kitchen and gutting myself, jumping off the roof of our condo, going to school and just leaving instead of coming home.

 

[_Gollum_]

In my case there was a distinct before and after, with the line at age 18. But even in the before, I realize now that I never actually had a will to live, and I never conceived of death as bad. It was only natural that it thus appeared to me as a solution from the moment I began suffering.

 

[Surek]

My issues with depression started when I was 13, maybe a little earlier. I didn't have any major traumas at that age that could have been the root cause. Maybe puberty messed with me? I remember being pretty volatile back then. I'd never had suicidal thoughts before that, so it's not like this has always been a part of me.

But, to be honest, my memory of what happened to me before 3rd or 4th grade is really hazy. To me, it felt like weird time skips, and I was totally aware of how messed up it was. When I think about it, I get this mild sense of derealization (not sure if that's the right word, though)

 

[Feldsparc]

Mine started with life circumstances and after I made a series of life changing decisions

 

[tomame]

yes. but after my partner died and i cried for a year straight. have no more tears left to cry.

i used to jump up every morning ready to start the day .. and now i despise my fucking body for waking me up every morning.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It hasn't been my entire life. I had happy periods as a child- in amongst sad and anxious ones. Age 10 though, my life changed dramatically and the new (suicidal, pessimistic) mindset became established.

 

[PanaxMan]

I don't think there has been a specific point in time that has been a catalyst to my suicidal ideation and self-harm problems, as long as I remember I've just been this way. One of my earliest memories was my first attempt at jumping off a stone archbridge that was in my path to primary school, I was stopped before I managed to muster enough courage but I developed a fear of heights due to it and it felt like the closest I've ever been to death 'emotionally' despite my later attempts, I remember when I was crying while being told off by the woman who took me off that I genuinely felt like I've already died the moment I stepped on that ledge and took a deep look down.

What about you guys?

Since I was 7 (had a dream of me falling off a cliff (no context) and then when I was 12 or 13 experienced a nde caused my exhaustion from a car crash from my big brother who was exhausted from overwork and crashed into a traffic barrier after missing a exit)

 

[LittleJem]

I've had the thoughts for years, but my functioning and will to live got worse in my 20s or 30s when something happened that made me more sad, then I couldn't get out bed with the depression. Before that, I could function, and maintained a kind of life. I wasn't agreeing with the wanting to die thoughts for years, cos I thought therapy would help. It is now that I know it was mental illness, and what can therapy do for that. Bollocks to it.

 

[Shadowsight]

There was never really a specific catalyst for me. I just got into 5th grade and things just started going downwards for me mentally, and that's when I started hoping I just wouldn't wake up one day. I guess by 5th grade, I was already feeling that everything and all the other kids around me were "moving too fast" for me to keep up. It got worse in middle school because that's when I started SHing in earnest, it's when I became anorexic, etc. all before I turned 13.

I kept telling myself "you'll be able to look back on all of this when you're a successful adult and know that you made it through" but then I found out being a successful adult doesn't just happen out of nowhere and that my problems wouldn't disappear the moment I got into my 20s :(

 

[Pluto]